To: Members of the Texas State Guard
From: Gov. Greg Abbott
Subject: Well done!
My fellow patriots, Washington has informed me that the so-called Jade Helm 15 “exercise” is over, although many of you never knew it began. That’s because you depended on the Main Stream Media (MSM) which never tells you the real truth about these many lurking dangers to our freedoms, like ZIP codes, crash barrels and headphones. But for those of us who receive our coded information from Fox News, we knew that a military takeover of the Republic of Texas was imminent. We knew that soldiers would seize our weapons, especially our howitzers and Abrams tanks. A stream of ambulances cleverly disguised as Blue Bell trucks was standing by to whisk away refrigerated bodies to hide all evidence of the blood baths in the streets of Pecos, Pampa and Port Arthur. And, of course, every town in Texas has at least one empty Walmart store, which served as command posts and ammunition dumps.
When word of these military “maneuvers” reached my desk, as the commanding general of the Texas State Guard (not to be confused with the Texas National Guard, Right Guard or cattle guards), I immediately commanded, “Somebody do something!” As I wrote to Maj. Gen. Gerald Betty of the Texas State Guard, “During the training operation, it is important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.” After meeting with Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick – who recommended shooting the Senate Democrats, then ostracizing their voters to reeducation camps – I then turned to the state attorney general, Ken Paxton, who explained that, while as attorney general he wasn’t actually a general in the military sense, if he declared martial law, perhaps his three felony indictments could be dismissed, or at least the prosecutors could be tried as war criminals.
I finally decided to empower you, members of the Texas State Guard, to monitor all activities by these foreign invaders disguised as U.S. 0troops. You did your job well, proof is that, because of your unending work, there were relatively few cases of military takeovers of any large city. Yes, there were a few screw-ups. Fort Worth turned not to be strictly a fort. But suspicious military activities were reported, complete with artillery, tanks and a marching band, at a central Texas location code named Fort Hood. The Texas State Guard managed to contain the invading force to the camp itself, plus a few bars in Killeen on Saturday nights.
Our spies in San Antonio reported military activity along the Riverwalk among young people disguised as recruits from Lakeland Air Force Base. They seemed particularly interested in taking selfies in front our secret command post, aka the Alamo. (Our motto: This time we’ll get it right.) Remember how infiltrators came disguised as postal carriers, cleverly noting who got what suspicious mail, i.e., post cards from socialist France, plus leaflets from Battleground Texas and Black Lives Matter). Others pretended to be school crossing guards or check-out clerks at your local grocery store (bar codes are telltale evidence of counter-patriotic communications) and rodeo clowns.
We now come to the greatest threat, and this is the honest truth. This bulletin from a sister group called Counter Jade Helm which was founded in Arizona and joined our monitoring: On Aug. 6 at “17:54,” a dispatch from Louisiana on the group’s website noted that military personnel were seen on Caddo Lake near the Texas line. They were described as “8 military aged men, very fit on 8 brand new Jet Skis,” raising the prospect of an invasion by troops using water-recreation vehicles. “When the eyewitness talked to them,” the report continued, “their story did not add up.” I suspect their tale was that they were simply eight guys having fun on the lake. But decoded, it was: “We’re Marine Recon, scouting an invasion by the 1st Marine Division which is camped just over the lake, awaiting our signal.” The State Guard is investigating if Jet Skis can be converted into F-35s. “We’ve all seen James Bond do it,” they added.
Another true story: Big Spring’s mayor, Larry G. McLellan, downplayed the conspiracy theories of Jade Helm, in his area, noting: “ It was so under the radar that I don’t even know anyone who came into contact with them.” McLellan received about 60 phone calls, letters, emails and social media messages from people convinced that he had betrayed his country by supporting Jade Helm. McLellan and other officials were accused of taking bribes from Washington and warned him that Jade Helm “will open the door to them doing SWAT and no-knock raids on civilians.”
So we are now told that Jade Helm 15 is over and that there were no problems between the invading forces and Texans. Military leaders thanked landowners who let young Americans practice their skills far distant from population centers. Actually, the only downside was that Texas was made the laughingstock of national newscasts, editorial cartoons, late night comedians and foreign observers who wondered if Texas was comprised totally by paranoid flakes.
But did the troops really leave? The Astrodome is rumored to hold 200 black helicopters. Have you noticed that the San Jacinto Monument now sits on a launching pad, and the USS Texas is fully manned? Are the Texas Rangers a baseball team or a para-military force? Notice how they use terms such as steal bases, sacrifice, forced out and their hero is the Sultan of SWAT. We cannot let down our guard. I have ordered at least one DPS trooper trainee to watch the Governor’s Mansion during daylight hours every other Thursday to prevent arson. All TxDOT orange cones along the highways are to be inspected for IUDs, or is it IEDs? Ever vigilant, the Texas State Guard is ready to monitor. And to you forces in Jade Helm, the spies of Texas are upon you.
Ashby is cowering at firstname.lastname@example.org