Q: What?s the Difference Between Houston
A: Hell has Better Radio.
THE RADIO: Hi, there, faithful listeners. It?s time once again to Call Paul and speak to Houston?s favorite radio talk show host. But let?s not have any more boring blah-blah-blah about that idiot Bill Clinton. I?m sick and tired of him. OK, first caller, Billy Bob in Baytown.
Hi, Paul, I wanted to talk about the weather. We?ve had some pretty smoggy days lately and I?
But it?s clearing up, isn?t it?
That?s only because we?ve ignored your advice to do nothing.
Bob, I don?t want some tree hugger in Washington telling me I can?t belch black smoke out the tailpipe of my Humvee. I blame Clinton. Next, let?s go to Katy in Katy.
That last caller was right, Paul. You are so ignorant that?
Katy, you?re wrong. It was Clinton?s fault, and don?t get me started on Monica. I?m tired of callers bringing it up all the time.
Next caller, Seymour in Cyberspace.
Paul, I want to complain about your language. I am driving along with my three kids listening to your show, and you have the vocabulary of a sewer rat.
Then don?t listen.
But why should I have to police what a radio station broadcasts over the public airwaves to make sure my children don?t hear foul language?
I don?t use foul language, Seymour. You?re full of crap, you stupid SOB.
Next caller. Tony in Consequential.
Paul, I think Rush Limbaugh is a hypocrite.
Why? He stands for family values.
Then what does Rush Limbaugh have that Bill Clinton doesn?t?
I give up. What?
Three marriages and two ex-wives.
Another hate-filled liberal. Go ahead, Woody in Tanglewood.
Paul, we don?t need those pointy-headed bureaucrats in Washington. Wait a minute, I think that?s the mailman at the door. He?d better have my Medicare check and my Social Security payment. But …
Shut up while I explain what it is you?re trying to say, Woody. It?s all Clinton?s fault. I think every federal worker should be fired. We should bulldoze every government building and do away with every federal program. OK, Melrose in Montrose.
Paul, back last summer, weren?t you flooded out? Didn?t you get money from FEMA? Help with your bills? Repairs to your house, and didn?t a Coast Guard helicopter pluck you from a rooftop?
Next caller. Bert on a cell phone from his car.
Paul, you?re great. Now what really bothers me are people who are driving while trying to aggggghhhh!
Let?s go to West in University Place.
I have this problem with the IRS.
IRS? How do you spell that?
Paul, every afternoon you put out hatred mixed with stupidity. The other day you told a caller that God was a Christian and that NATO was one of the Marx brothers. Then you referred to the sixth grade as ?my senior year.? You are a pompous…
And you?re an imbecile, Mr. Beans for Brains. Next caller.
Hi, Paul. I was listening to Dan Patrick the other day lecture us on phony people and not being upfront and all about Houston?s problems.
A wonderful Houstonian, he is.
But his name isn?t Dan Patrick, and he doesn?t live in Houston or even Harris County.
It?s a Clinton plot, but don?t get me started?
Paul, look it up. His name is Dannie Scott Goeb, and he lives in Montgomery County.
That?s not suppose to get out.
He can?t vote in our elections, serve on our juries, doesn?t pay Houston or Harris County property taxes. So how can he lecture us?
Shut up, you dirt bag. Let?s go to Time in Memorial.
Paul, I was just driving on the tollway, and one of your major fans was on his cell phone talking to you when he slammed into the back of a Peterbilt.
How did you know he was talking to me?
The wreck splattered his tobacco juice all over his bib.
It?s Clinton?s fault. ih