THE DEN – Tonight is time for a good book. There is “The Wit and Wisdom of Sarah Palin” and “A Paleontologist’s Guide to Celebrity Chefs.” I started, “Port Arthur on Five Dollars a Day,” but ran out of ways to spend it the second day. Wait. There is a knock at the front door. Now who could be calling at such an hour? I open the door. “The ostrich is heading south.” Huh? This fellow wears a gray fedora pulled down low, his overcoat collar pulled up high, dark glasses. He whispers, “Edgar is at the horse trough.” I shake my head in incomprehension. He glances in both directions. “Is this 777 Roach Road?” I point out that 777 is across the street where Binnie Bob Laden, his five wives and 10 kids live. Binnie’s a strange guy — tall, bearded, says he moved here from Waco. The Running Rats Acres Home Owners Association is holding a hearing on his guard towers and searchlights.
My mysterious visitor reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a pistol. “Then you already know too much. I’m going to have to kill you. Nothing personal. Just business.” I slam the door. Back to my books. Maybe, “Tonsillectomies for Dummies.” There is another knock at the door. I peek through the peephole. It’s him again, only this time he is only holding a newspaper. I crack the door a sliver. “Let’s start over,” he whispers. “I’m doing this for your own good. You see in this newspaper that presidential campaigns are underway, and when it comes to presidents, I’m trying to save you from yourself. For instance, you know that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. I’ve seen the birth certificate.”
“Correct. Obama’s parents were so cagy that they took out notices in two Honolulu newspapers in August of 1961 announcing Barack’s birth there to hide his real birthplace in Nigeria. That way he could run for U.S. President. Now is that foresight or what?” He shrugs. “Are you going to believe everything the leftist media tell you? Speaking of the media, NBC reports that Rafael Edward Cruz was born in Canada, so why does he look Cuban? A Castro plant? Notice that NBC spelled backwards is CBN. Add two vowels and what do you have? CUBAN. I rest my case. As for Donald Trump, his mother was born in Scotland, spoke Gaelic and taught it to young Donald and his siblings. Gaelic is subversive. Bernie Sanders’ parents were from Poland. That was a communist country, and my sources in the CIA tell me it still is, if you can believe the CIA which is full of commies and puts out false information to counter the FBI’s lies. Incidentally, have you noticed that you never see Bernie Sanders and Colonel Sanders at the same time? Coincidence? I think not.”
“It’s time to end this scene,” I say. “Go away. You and your kind are so paranoid that you see a conspiracy behind every tree. Next you’ll tell me that the Establishment is going to unfreeze Jeb Bush and run him against Trump. And Marco Rubio was originally named Marx Radio. You have proof that Ben Carson was right – the Old Testament figure Joseph built the Egyptian pyramids to store food.”
He snorts. “That’s really ridiculous. Joseph stored arms for the overthrow of Texas. Those guns are still there, and Governor Abbott was absolutely correct. Operation Jade Helm 15 was nipped in the bud due to Abbott’s warnings to the Texas militiamen. You people are so gullible. You really think Hillary didn’t order the attack in Benghazi? There is proof, just ask Glenn Beck. Oh, I’d better run. Do you hear those black helicopters?”
A minute later the phone rings. A voice whispers. “You should know that the code name among Banditos for Hillary and Bill is Hillbilly. They’re founding members. But the reason I’m calling is that I wanted to share this information because I discovered who you really are and that you are one of us, Elvis.” I reply: “I am not Elvis. Before I hang up, no, Hitler is not alive and well and living in Argentina. There are no aliens from outer space stored in ice lockers in Roswell, New Mexico, and the moon landings were not faked on a Hollywood sound stage. You are all conspiracy nuts.”
“Conspiracy nuts? Then just tell me this. Why did that Malaysian Airlines plane disappear only one ocean away from Amelia Earhart? And who really killed Cock Robin? If Sasquatch is not real, why does he appear on Fox and Friends listed as ‘the sane one?’ Why didn’t FDR alert Pearl Harbor about the Japanese attack that he knew was coming? The same reason George W. Bush didn’t warn us about 9/10.”
“You mean 9/11,” I say. He laughs. “That’s what most people think, but they don’t know about the year 2000’s change. Y2K was the secret operation that moved up the date. By the way, do you need more guns before Obama sends the ATF to seize your firearms? That’s his plan after he abolishes the Second Amendment. Fortunately, the NRA stepped in with more money for Congress.” I sigh and ask, “What’s your name?” He pauses for a moment and lowers his voice even more. “Bubba Machiavelli. But my cover name is Grassy Knoll.”
“That’s all the crazed, paranoid conspiracy theories I’m going to listen to. It’s practically a cottage industry the way you sell gullible Americans books and TV shows, convince them to build bunkers in their backyards stocked with barrels of water, rations and weapons that you sell at outrageous prices. These wild tales actually make some people so afraid that they’ll follow any would-be leader who says he or she will save them from unseen enemies ready to take over America. If you keep this up, who knows what idiot will become president.”
“What’s your point?”
Ashby is hiding at ashby2@comcassssst.net
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