My fellow Patriots,
This is an invitation to a secret meeting of the Texas Militia & Non-Mensas. Maybe you saw our ad in the papers and on TV. We are here to guard the Rio Grande River because all kinds of terrorists are sneaking across our border, like that guy Al Kida, and Obama Ben Franklin. Now we have an invasion of so-called “children,” but some are actually terrorists disguised as “children” while some are made up to be donkeys, clay pots and bales of marijuana bound for Colorado. Other invaders are calling themselves “women,” and this is a bit tricky for us to deal with because most of us haven’t been around a woman for years, even though we’ve let them vote and drive sometimes. Texas is no longer a red state or a blue state. It’s a brown state. We’ve got to stop them.
The new twist in these “children” and “women” immigrants is that they aren’t from Mexico but from Central American countries like Guacamole, El Stevedore and Horrendous, because a law lets anyone in who’s from a country that is not contagious to the U.S. That commie Kenyan Barracks Obama refuses to do anything to stop the flow because he claims John Boehner won’t let him. Why doesn’t Obama sign a good immigration bill like our President George W. Bush? No, wait. I’m being told that it was Bush’s bill that led to the border mess. Let me get back to you on this, but I’m sure that somehow it is Obama’s fault.
Anyway, we need to stop this flow by putting more boots on the ground. We are told that these children actually want to be found and sent to a detention center where they finally get some food, a bed and a one-way ticket to their uncle in Amarillo. This doesn’t make any sense. If that were really the case, the more Border Guards with more boots on the ground, the easier for the kids to find them. Maybe we’ve got this all wrong. Maybe we use just one Border Patrol agent, put him in a high-rise office in El Paso, with an unlisted phone number, and those illegal kids will never find him.
Fortunately, since that African illegal immigrant Obama has done nothing, we have Governor for Life Rick Perry. He has ordered the entire Texas National Guard to go to the border and do something. According to a press release by his non-campaign presidential campaign manager, the guardsmen will be more boots on the ground, which is why Perry did not also call up the Texas Air National Guard. We need boots, not jets. The National Guardsmen cannot arrest anyone, something about that pesky U.S. Constitution, but they can bring coffee to the patrolmen, open mail, answer the phone and pose for photographs looking tough. Perry says funds for this program, about $17 million a month, will come from the money he was going to allot to Planned Parenthood.
Here are a few things to do: Always keep your gun loaded, except when firing. Or maybe it’s the other way around. One or the other. Capt. Buck Shot forgot his 0-99 Migrant Mower was fully loaded when he passed out at a Laredo bar and fell to the floor. We shall miss him. If you want to use pistols, remember state law requires you keep them concealed, but you can do as we members of the Shoot First Club did and walk around with your rifle in the open and at the ready, and maybe go into eateries. Sure stirred them up at that Chuck E Cheese birthday party the other day. Bazookas, 105 howitzers and napalm may be used in some cases, but you didn’t hear that from me. Machineguns are allowed, but bayonets are frowned on.
Always be well-kamoflaged. Blend in with your surroundings. For some of you working better neighborhoods, this means getting a haircut, taking a bath and shaving. For those stationed in the countryside, you can get a cactus suit at Academy complete with three-inch thorns. Don’t make the mistake Corporal Charlie J. made and put it on inside out. We shall miss him, too. Another good kamoflage is the tumbleweed. In that case, forget about the haircut. This brings us to infiltrators. Word is that the FBI is sending its agents to join our band. If you spot someone who uses polysyllable words – is polysyllable a word? – uses a handkerchief or seat belts and no tattoos, they don’t pass the smell test, if you get my drift. Many of you have prior experience facing down those feds in the Nevada desert when they tried to seize that rancher’s cows just because he owed more than a million bucks in grazing fees, penalties and back taxes. The feds need to keep their hands off us and our Social Security checks, military pensions, Medicare, Medicaid and air traffic controllers.
Our lieutenant governor-in-waiting, Dan Patrick, has warned about these newcomers carrying typhoid, sidewalk syndrome, bated breath and other insecticides, so when actually handling them, like if they faint from hunger, always wear a haz-mat suit. Yes, they can get hot in 110 degrees, but it’s better than coming down with magnolia. Now, some limp-wristed do-gooders ask why we are here guarding the border when we could be working at a job. I like to quote Senators Mario Rubio and Ted Cruz who say that immigrants should be deported because they have funny last names. A few other points: When you get to the border, if the signs on the other side are in French, you’re at the wrong border. Be careful of that left-wing group known as “the press.” They will twist your words, take quotes out of contest and make you look like a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, so try not to drag your mouth.
Remember our motto: Lingua solo estella bueno vox Christo. (If English was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for Texas.)
Ashby is guarding firstname.lastname@example.org