Everyone knows the country is rather evenly divided in politics – the U.S. Supreme Court regularly votes 5-4. The GOP controls the House, the Dems have the Senate, and so on. But we can all agree that the press is biased. Those shameless ink-stained wretches deliberately slant the news and refuse to tell it the way we see it. So let’s determine how our various media outlets would handle this news bulletin:
ASSOCIATED PRESS — A harmless children’s errand turned into a tragedy today when a young boy, identified only as Jack, and his female playmate, Jill, climbed up a hill to gather a pail of water. They both fell into a ravine and sustained numerous injuries. Authorities say this incident bears a striking resemblance to a recent case involving three visually impaired mice and a farmer’s wife. That case is still under investigation and no charges have been filed.
THE RACHEL MADDOW SHOW — Another blow to the working stiffs occurred on the Hill today when lax safety regulations by those fat cat Wall Street warmongers led to severe injuries to two innocent children who gave their names as Jack and Jill, possibly before they died an agonizing death. House Speaker John Boehner issued his typical cold-blooded response to the suffering of the poor by laughingly proclaiming, “That’s terrible.” Meanwhile, three unfortunate mice, obviously lacking federal eyesight assistance, ran afoul of a farmer’s wife whose violent attack can only means she’s a member of the NRA.
FOX NEWS — From the Hill we have this latest Obama disaster. Two children, no doubt on welfare, were stealing precious water from a farmer’s wife. The farmer was gone, probably to pick up his weekly Obama-issued farm subsidy check which that Kenyan Muslim wants to increase. We know this because we hacked into The New York Times, which is where we and every other network get our news. No need to mention how we learned to hack, since we are under strict orders to be fair and balanced as Rupert sees it.
MITT ROMNEY — Jacques and Jillian, from either Exeter or Choat I believe, took their Bentley up the Hill to fetch a bottle of Perrier, which goes quite well with a duck foie gras. Jacques fell down and broke his crown (which raises questions as to his masculinity, but I would leave that to the states), and Jillian came tumbling after, slightly damaging her Hermes scarf and matching handbag. Fortunately, they had Romneycare, which covered all their hospital expenses but is nothing like Obamacare. In that same village out in Nowhere Land, I mean it’s not the Hamptons, a trio of errant rodents attacked the spouse of an agriculturalist, who strapped them to the top of her John Deere, but not to a car made by GM which can go broke as far as I’m concerned.
NEWT GINGRICH — The elite media say that two juvenile delinquents ran away from their orphanage, which had spoiled them rotten, and broke into a farmhouse where they mutilated three defense laboratory mice whose experiments were on the verge of unlocking a cure for cancer. The elite media, which keeps harping on my $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s while I owe $4.3 million in campaign bills, says the farmer’s wife — wife? He only has one? Incidentally, did I mention the elite media?
THE OBAMA PRESS OFFICE — Two small, defenseless children, sent to a work on the Hill because their father’s unemployment insurance ran out while the rich remain untaxed, were fetching a pail of water when they were savagely attacked by agents from Osama bin Laden, whom the President had killed with a single shot. Fortunately, the two children had Obamacare which is exactly like Romneycare. Meanwhile, a trio of mice, who were visually challenged due to the Republicans’ weakening of Obamacare, ran from an irate farmer’s wife who was suffering from the GOP’s war on women. Scientists blame global warming, but the President won’t tell that loud-mouth Joe Biden.
REV. AL SHARPTON — It is outrageous that these small children were the victims of racial profiling and forced to do menial labor. No wonder they fell down from exhaustion. It’s another example of the white man’s arrogance. Hey, where are the TV cameras? I’ll give an interview. Any reporters here? As for that poor, unfortunate farmer’s wife, I will represent her at the next MSNBC panel. Did the press flock to Jesse Jackson again? What a showboat.
ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT — Do we have a blockbuster expose for you. Two child actors, Jacqui and J-Jill, who are reportedly engaged which means Clooney is out and so is Demi, were seen together on the Hill having a huge spat. Our sources tell us J-Jill slapped Jacqui after learning he was also seeing Angelina, breaking that heart throb’s crown. But here’s an even better inside scoop – a delicious scandal involving money, sex, politics and possibly an Oscar. BettiJoLo, best known in her role as JoLoBetti in “The Farmer’s Wife,” was attacked by three huge animals. She recalled her role as Snarl in “The Dominatrix” and cut off something, we’re not sure just what, but her agent released a statement saying, “You never saw such a sight in your life.”
ESPN – Jack “The Jack” Jackson and Jill-O were doing the 500 meters in Bean Town when they fell – let’s see that video. Oh, that’s got to hurt. Once more. In Lala Land, the Big Three in Mouse Power ran, but not fast enough as Frances “Carver” Knife performed a tailgate when Biffo bopped the pro hoops. Da Bears pulled a red dog wide 23 and I have no idea what I’m saying.
PETA — Forget about the kids, we here at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals protest the scandalous treatment of those poor mice.
GOV. RICK PERRY — Two blind mice….
Ashby fetches water at firstname.lastname@example.org