Roger Gray

April 1, 2002 by  
Filed under Edit

In Your Face

by Roger Gray

We’d Pay $100 Million to Keep Kathie Lee From Having Anymore “In-wedlock” Births

Dr. Wade Horn, who has probably the most thankless job in a Republican administration, overseeing welfare programs, has an idea. If we can’t do nothin’ about birthin’ these babies out of wedlock, let’s, by gosh, make it legal. Dr. Horn, who serves as Tommy Thompson’s brain at Health and Human Services, wants to spend $100 million to educate and nudge single parents toward marriage. It’s a noble goal, and we wish him well. Then maybe these kids won’t get in trouble by, oh, I don’t know, underage drinking or forging prescriptions.

“Hank, It’s Bill Clinton on the Phone! Do You Have Barbara Boxer’s Number?”

Our San Antonio boy toy, Henry Cisneros, is shocked – shocked – to learn he and his “nonpartisan” voter registration drive are being accused of partisanship. Texas Republican Chairwoman Susan Weddington (whom Henry secretly suspects is a boiling cauldron of passion beneath that placid veneer) says his support of Democrats like Ron Kirk (former mayor of Dallas who’s running for the Phil Gramm memorial Enron seat in the Senate) calls his supposedly nonsectarian “Every Texan Foundation” into question. Henry was so stunned at this accusation, he nearly dropped the blonde he was holding as he replied that he could remain partisan and non-partisan at the same time. Sort of like remaining married and ?

We Just Needed to Reiterate

As I write this, I just read Bill Coulter’s “analysis” of the congressional tax and stimulus package arguments in the Houston Chronicle, and I just have to say once again, WHO HIRED THIS MORON? Thanks, I feel better.

Well, Mr. President, If Osama Hijacks a Boat, You’ll be Darn Glad We Bought Those Extra Attack Subs

Speaking of money and taxes, are there two budget planners less equipped to plan for the future than George W. Bush and Lee P. Brown – The Prez wants F-22s to fight terrorists and tax cuts for Enron, and Lee P. can’t seem to figure out how to pay the folks who fight fires, catch bad guys and pick up garbage. Maybe if we didn?t spend the nest egg on Cold War weaponry or sports stadiums, these two Arthur Andersen-quality number crunchers could find the needed lucre to fill potholes and help my mother with her prescriptions.

And Rick, When the Air is Clean, Every Day is a Good Hair Day

Kudos to Governor Rick – should I use mousse or spray- Perry. His plan for transportation corridors throughout Texas utilizing highways, rail lines and rights-of-way for pipelines is visionary. Too bad those who harp against rail in Houston, anti-pollution efforts or Amtrak don’t have the creativity the good Lord gave small hand tools. Anyone who thinks our highways or airlines truly pay for themselves, as they want Amtrak to do, is uninformed or simply lying. Anyone who can’t find the wherewithal to drive 55, pay a few bucks more for tailpipe tests and accept truly minimal intrusions on our profligate lifestyles is simply lazy, selfish or worse. And anyone who thinks the Bush pollution plan does anything is gullible or thinks the former guv’s “voluntary” industrial cleanup actually worked here in Texas. Perry’s plan has all the farsightedness his colleagues and predecessor lack.

Keep Hope Alive! I?ll be on Channel 2 at Five!

I was disheartened when I watched the news stories showing the employees of our own homegrown business Chernobyl on the streets, cleaning out their desks, talking about their empty 401(k)s, which are now 101(k)s. Then I saw that Jesse Jackson was on his way to lead a rally on their behalf. At that, my spirits sank. Haven’t these folks suffered enough?

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