OVER OUR QUOTE-A

“Once I rob a bank in Texas. Your government get after me with a whole army. Whole army! One little bank. In Texas, only Texans can rob banks.” – Calvera (played by Eli Wallach) in “The Magnificent Seven”

“No other state commands such fierce pride and loyalty. Lesser mortals are pitied for their misfortune of not being born Texans.” — Queen Elizabeth II, visiting Austin, May 20, 1991, in front of the Texas capitol.

Yes, it’s time once more to look at what people have been saying about us, and what we’re saying about ourselves. So let’s start with something serious: football. “Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.” – Darrell Royal

“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.” — On a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 UT-Arkansas game.

“I visit Austin, Texas, from time to time to lecture at the University of Texas and fully consider myself a long-distance Longhorns fan. Yes, I know, news of the Red River massacre reached even Somerset, but as an Arsenal (English soccer) supporter, I have been emotionally conditioned for calamity. — Geoffrey Wheatcroft, an English journalist

Speaking of UT: “I was stopped and questioned seven times by University police on my way into the physics building. Seven times. Zero times was I stopped going into the gym – and I went to the gym a lot. That says all you need to know about how welcomed I felt at Texas.” – Former UT professor Neil deGrasse Tyson, celebrity astrophysicist (you see him on TV a lot) and director of New York City’s Hayden Planetarium. He’s black.

“In my mind, I wasn’t going to pay more than $1.2 million.” — Austin businessman Milton Verret who paid $1.8 million for a jacket worn by Michael Jackson in his 1983 video “Thriller.” Verret planned to exhibit the jacket to raise funds for children’s charities.

“If you’ve ever driven across Texas, you know how different one area of the state can be from another. Take El Paso. It looks as much like Dallas as I look like Jack Nicklaus” — Pro Golfer Lee Trevino.

Some people, for reasons which elude me, don’t like us. “How would you feel if Mexico took back Texas?” a British leader in London asked U.S. Ambassador William J. Crowe, Jr., on July 14, 1996, during a discussion on Northern Ireland. Replied the American ambassador: “You’ve asked the wrong man that question. I’m from Oklahoma. We’ve been trying to give Texas back to Mexico for a hundred years.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.” –  George Carlin

Everyone knows, “Houston, we’ve got a problem,” but how about a few more observations on, in and for the Bayou City?

“The view from the Warwick Hotel is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. It’s just like Paris.”– Bob Hope talking about Houston on The Phil Donahue Show.

“Houston is an example of what can happen when architecture catches a venereal disease.” — Frank Lloyd Wright on Houston’s skyline in the 1950s.

“It is an ugly, sprawling city, unprotected by zoning laws. Block after barren block of weed-infested parking lots and disintegrating houses stand close by upscale shopping centers and lushly landscaped residential Edens like River Oaks. Too many hours are spent in cars on the congested but indispensable freeways. Yet in its way, it is also a city of art and culture, of exciting museums and distinguished buildings and world-class performing arts organizations.” – R.W. Apple, Jr., in The New York Times

“When I was a kid in Houston, we were so poor we couldn’t afford the last two letters, so we called ourselves po’.” – George Foreman

Moving on: “Why doesn’t Texas simply close UT-El Paso?” – Prof. Richard Vedder of Ohio University, commenting on the poor graduation rate at UTEP (one out of 10 graduates in four years, 35 percent in six years)

“Give me an army of West Point graduates and I’ll win a battle. Give me a handful of Texas Aggies and I’ll win the war.” – Gen. George S. Patton may or may not have said this. The Citadel, VMI and other schools claim the quote, too.

Turning to politics:  “I have been screamed at by total strangers in the street who recognize me.” – Texas State Sen. Dan Patrick, sponsor of the anti-abortion forced sonogram law.

“We already have term limits. They’re called elections.” – Former Texas House Speaker Rep. Tom Craddick.

“Y’all as tempting as it may be, don’t shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we’ve EVER had!” — Texas College Republicans called for the resignation of the University of Texas chapter president, Lauren Pierce, who is also the state chapter’s secretary, after she posted this tweet.

.            Gov. Rick Perry’s disastrous campaign for the GOP presidential nomination gave us a couple of good quotes. “I am concerned that the unfortunate results of Perry’s performance on the national stage may confirm the stereotype that much of the rest of the country has about Texas – the impression that Texas is a bunch of yahoos and people of low intelligence. “ – Scott Caven, a Houston Republican who was Perry’s state finance chairman in his last two runs for governor. “There has never been a more ineptly orchestrated, just unbelievably subpar campaign for president of the United States than this one.” –A “senior Perry adviser.”

Molly Ivins: “Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

The Grand Slam winner for years to come (cringe, ye Texans) “Oops.” — Our not ready for prime time Texas Gov. Rick Perry in a GOP presidential debate.

Finally, I checked for quotes about Texas in “Bartlett’s Quotations” but found nothing, mainly because there is no such book. Everyone calls it that, but the true name is, “Familiar Quotations” by John Bartlett. You may quote me on that.

 

Ashby can be quoted at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

FILLED UP OR FED UP?

THE GAS PUMP – Look at the prices twirl like cherries and red 7s on the face of a Louisiana slot machine. How much are you paying at the pump? Too much, and as economists like to point out, the more we pay for gas the less we have left over for Lotto tickets and a chaw of Red Man.
For us, this price escalation is a two-edged MasterCard. We have to pay more, but then Texas, oil capital of Texas, gets more out of the boom than say, Vermont, no matter what our business is. As the late Glenn McCarthy once told me, “Son, we’re ALL in the oil business.” Only he said, “the awl bid-ness.” In addition, south Texas is benefiting from something new in the industry called fracking. I’m not sure what this means, but I understand it’s been banned at Baylor.
None of this Texas togetherness eases the shock as I fill up my car’s gas tank because, no, I’m not in the oil business except as a customer, which is why I feel like my pocket is being picked. So I have come up with several ways to cut down on my gas bill. (Incidentally, by “gas” I am referring to gasoline, not to the nauseous fumes mixed with chopped celery which power those effete brie-and-wine environmentally correct cars that look like a Munchkin’s phone booth.)
Here are my tips: I always try to drive downhill, usually that’s south, possibly with a strong wind to my back. Being towed is always a help. I keep my car’s weight to a minimum, starting by cleaning out my trunk. Take out my bowling ball collection, any old Mafia snitches, sacks of slugs for the toll roads and that anvil I never got around to converting into a lamp for the den. They call that round thing a “spare” for a reason: I don’t need it. Keep my own weight to a minimum, too, especially if my seat belt is tighter than Boris Yeltsin at a vodka tasting. Look for other items to pitch. Do I really need a backseat? Anchors were invented before brakes.
Look for the cheapest gas. I found the lowest prices at a Shamrock station in Marfa. Don’t worry, it was down hill. My wife and I both drive Lexuses (Lexi? Lexxus? Lex Luthor?) which have the gas mileage equivalent to that of an M1 Abrams tank and slightly better than those Hummers the size of a ZIP code. Instead of miles to the gallon, it’s more like gallons to the mile. My other solutions are to drive less, bundle my errands, and car pool. This means completing my Christmas shopping by August, taking in my dry cleaning annually and car pooling with people who are not going where I need to go. This last step requires a lot of follow-up cab rides, but really cuts down on my own driving.
It is a known fact that gas expands in heat and contracts in cold, so you get more gas when you pump at lower temperatures. I only buy gas in January. Another step towards handling the high price of gas is the reverse of NIMBY – Not In My Back Yard. I favor PIMBY. Please In My Back Yard. I’m trying to have an oil well or two next to the pink flamingoes by the coyote traps. Ah, that grinding and drilling all night, the distinct aroma of sweat, blood, beer and thick crude. I agree with Newt Gingrich, as I usually do: Drill, Baby, Drill! We didn’t hear that a lot after the BP oil spill turned a large chunk of the Gulf of Mexico into a black ooze of life-killing puke. But we all have short memories. Besides, those Cajuns like monetary paybacks the same as the rest of us.
Then we have the Keystone XL pipeline. Build that sucker through my neighborhood, Running Rats Acres, and send me a check. OK, the line would have to be diverted about 450 miles, but that is cheaper than lawsuits from tree-huggers who don’t like a little 50-foot-deep slit trench in their street with the ever-so-rare spill.
Incidentally, while pumping, I note that one of the great inventions, right up there with unsliced bread and the TV remote, is the little string that attaches the gas tank top to the vehicle. It’s so simple, but how many times have you found yourself sliding under your Peterbilt to fetch a runaway gas tank top? Usually in the rain at night.
We must now consider our oil companies, which employ five out of every three Texans. (See “Glenn McCarthy” above) Despite their billion-dollar subsidies and tax breaks from a generous American public, Big Oil seems to be barely getting by: Irving-based ExxonMobil’s annual revenues of more than $400 billion are about the same as the GDP of Norway. Honest. The company made $41.1 billion in profits last year. Although that was 35 percent more profits than it made in 2010, when the company paid only 17.6 percent taxes — lower than the average American – its tax rate actually dropped. A Reuters analysis estimates that Exxon paid only 13 percent in effective taxes for 2011. Exxon paid zero taxes to the federal government in 2009. Did you?
We can blame OPEC. (Arabs and white males are the only safe targets these days.) Its founding members included such Mideast monsters as Venezuela, Ecuador, Gabon and Indonesia at the initiative of that sneaky Muslim, Venezuelan Energy and Mines minister Juan Pablo Perez Alfonzo. Speculators are also blamed for part of the price increase. And we have taxes. The U.S. federal excise tax on gasoline is 18.4 cents per gallon and 24.4 cents per gallon for diesel fuel. Here in Texas we pay an additional state tax of 20 cents on both gas and diesel. Meanwhile, I’m waiting for PIMBY, then the price of gas will not be near high enough.

Ashby is gassed at ashby2@comcast.net

THE 10 PERCENT SOLUTION

AUSTIN – We are here to check on The University of Texas at Austin. Why? Because the U.S. Supreme Court is doing the same thing. Again. For 20 years the Forty Acres has been in a contest with the courts over its admissions policies, i.e., can race be part of the mix in determining who is allowed to enroll here and spend four years, at least, drinking beer, attending football games and lording it over lesser beings.

Just when we thought it had all been settled and we could stop paying lawyers, along comes Abigail Fisher, an applicant denied admission in 2008 who said she was discriminated against because of her race — she’s white. She charged that some minorities with worse grades got in.

As we all know, UT has a plan whereby any Texas student who finishes in the top 10 percent of his or her graduating high school class is automatically admitted. This opens the door for minorities who have mediocre SATs because they attended mediocre schools. Good, but it is also blatantly unfair to all sorts of brilliant, beautiful and fun-loving high school grads who finish in the bottom 10 percent, like me.

These goodie two-shoes have pretty well taken over the 50,000-plus enrollment, making up an astounding three-quarters of the in-state students. To select the remaining quarter, which the U.S. Supreme Court will consider, the school uses a “holistic review” including test scores, essays, activities, socioeconomic status, cultural background — and race and ethnicity.

As a result of all this mixing of stats and opinions (does the activity of curling count as much as stalking?), this year’s freshman class of 7,000 students is 46 percent white, 23 percent Hispanic, 20 percent Asian and 6 percent black with 5 percent “other.” This is no more a true reflection of Texas youth than the Longhorns’ Young Republicans or their basketball team. These figures are further skewered by UT’s policy allowing illegal immigrants, under certain conditions, to pay in-state tuition. Every seat in every classroom they fill means that the legal child of some Texan couldn’t get in.

It was Houston Chronicle columnist Richard Justice who once observed, “Texas is divided into two kinds of people – those who went to UT and those who wish they had.” A main reason so many Texas high school grads want to go to UT is not the distinguished profs (who are unknown because they never teach) and/or fellow students. It’s the UT panache, the reputation, the parties on East Sixth Street. College Magazine named UT the nation’s Number One school for sex. But the school dropped from first (2010) to fifth place (2011) as the best party school in America, as judged by Playboy. No doubt parents found this exhilarating as they sold their left kidneys to pay tuition.

Another attraction is that Longhorn High is a Tier 1 university which means whatever someone wants it to mean. For example, the University of Houston desperately wants to join UT, A&M and Rice as a Tier 1 school, and recently the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching said UH had been categorized as a research university with “very high research activity,” which the Cougars claim is the equivalent of Tier 1 status. No other ranking agency has followed, but UH is telling everyone it’s now with the big boys.

We have lots of state schools. They just don’t have the attraction of UT. So at each one we build a 106,000-seat stadium, pay the head football coach $6 million a year, land a presidential library or two and by all means add an East Sixth Street. Then UT-Brownsville or Texas A&M-Commerce has the same attraction as the Forty Acres, and the our high school grads will be fighting to get into those schools.

For the youngsters who still want to go to Austin to school, but can’t get in, I present the Wyoming Syndrome: pandering to the school’s hell-bent rush to be “diversified.” That is the buzz word in academe these days. They never use code terms like “quotas,” “level playing field” and “making up for past sins.” No, the secret password is “diversity.” Every school likes to say it has a diverse student body. “We have students from all 254 Texas counties, all 50 states, 187 countries and Mars, and 49 ethnic groups,” they say in their brochures which contain photos of diverse faces that look like the U.N. Security Council.

There is always one photograph of a concerned full professor giving one‑on‑one attention to a freshman. Notice that it is the same professor in every single brochure -‑ he’s an inflatable figure with a clip‑on beard and is about as close as a freshman will ever get to a concerned full professor.

When applying to UT, put down that you are from Wyoming, the state with the smallest population and no doubt the fewest students going out of state. If that seems a stretch, make your hometown Mentone in Loving County, Texas. It is the least populated county in the nation (82), and the chance of any student making it to Austin is minimal. You are a Serbian-Taiwanese with a Tibetan grandmother and speak Navaho. In one fell swoop you plug in several vacancies the Dean of Admissions has been seeking.

Religion is another source for entry. Universities like to boast of every possible religion to show the school isn’t prejudiced. On the other hand, Notre Dame quarterbacks still call their signals in Latin to draw Protestants offside. Oh, that reminds me. Forget all these tips if you can dribble or punt. If only Abigail Fisher could have performed a decent slam dunk we wouldn’t be having this discussion.

Finally, “The” is part of the school’s name, but there is no sane reason to add “Austin.” Everyone knows where it is. But UT is best known as The University, and justifiably so. Only now we can call it The Diversity of Texas at Cheyenne.

 

Ashby hooks ‘em at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

GRANDSTANDING

Houston has a pro soccer team, the Dynamo, which has a new stadium, and, no matter where you live in Texas, it may be costing you money. The new Dynamo owners are paying $60 million of the $100 million total. Texas Southern University, which will use the stadium for football, is contributing an estimated $1-2 million. The rest is being paid by the city and county.

This sports facility comes after Houston built stadiums for the NFL Texans and the Astros, plus an arena for the Rockets and Aeros (hockey). It’s hard to get a grasp on the actual cost of these playpens for the billionaire owners. There is the infrastructure such as city streets, curbs, waters and waste, taxes diverted, bonds sold, and on and on. In addition, the Astrodome cost $35 million in 1965 or $244 million in 2012 dollars. But it still carries as much as $32 million in debt for improvements — nearly as much as the original cost of construction – to keep the Oilers from leaving. Hahah.

The Dallas Cowboys built a stadium in Irving with a unique design: a giant doughnut. The fans were covered but the field was open so, as the story goes, God could watch his team. It speaks volumes to know that the design was never copied by any other city anywhere. So owner Jerry Jones wanted a new stadium and got it: Originally estimated to cost $650 million, the stadium cost $1.15 billion,^[ making it one of the most expensive sports venues ever built.

To aid Jones in paying the construction costs of the new stadium, Arlington voters approved an increase of the city’s sales tax by 0.5 percent, the hotel occupancy tax by 2 percent, and car rental tax by 5 percent. The City of Arlington provided over $325 million (including interest) in bonds as funding, and Jones covered any cost overruns. Also, the NFL provided the Cowboys with an additional $150 million loan, as per their policy for helping the financing for the construction of new stadiums. Then there is San Antonio, which built that ghastly Alamodome in hopes of landing an NFL franchise. No luck. On the other hand, look at Los Angeles, the second largest city in the nation, with no NFL team because its priorities are not pro sports. LA seems to be doing just fine.

All these facilities were sold to the taxpayers as an investment in future earnings with sales taxes, hotels, etc. But that is unsportsmanlike conduct, according to scholarly studies. For example, Dennis Coates, PhD. economics, University of Maryland-Baltimore County and president of the North American Association of Sports Economists Impact, determined, “the presence of franchises in multiple sports, the arrival or departure of teams, and stadium construction — in a given area reduced per capita personal income by about $10. In other words, every man, woman, and child in the metropolitan area was poorer by $10 as a result of the sports environment.” Sports facilities now typically cost – COST — the host city more than $10 million a year.

Professional sports teams are very small businesses, comparable to large department or grocery stores. One study found that the overall economic addition an NFL team injects into a city is about the same as a Wal-Mart store. What’s more, the entertainment dollar is only so big. Money spent on the Cowboys or Rockets is money not spent on movies, restaurants, roller rinks. Think of it more like a pizza pie. When one slice is cut larger, all the other slices get smaller. The pie doesn’t grow.

Here’s something else to consider: Roger Noll and Andrew Zimbalist’s study, “Sports, Jobs, and Taxes: The Economic Impact of Sports Teams and Stadiums,” found: “Most professional athletes do not live where they play, so their income is not spent locally. Moreover, players make inflated salaries for only a few years, so they have high savings, which they invest in national firms. Though a new stadium increases attendance, ticket revenues are shared in both baseball and football, so that part of the revenue gain goes to other cities. Similarly, most tax collections inside a stadium are substitutes: as other entertainment businesses decline, tax collections from them fall. On balance, these factors are largely offsetting, leaving little or no net local export gain to a community.” This includes state taxes not paid.

Why would a strapped community put scarce public funds into an essentially private company which reaps the benefits? Because there is a hard-driving owner who threatens to take his franchise elsewhere. Indeed, by their very nature, owners of pro sports franchises are rich egomaniacs. In “North Dallas Forty, or maybe “Semi-Tough,” the owner of a Dallas football team shows an organizational tree of his various companies – oil, cattle, computers. “But this,” he says, pointing to the icon of his pro football team, “got me on the cover of Time.”

It’s the same with colleges. Before an Oklahoma State football game, T. Boone  Pickens is being interviewed by a reporter on the field. “Mr. Pickens, why didn’t you give forty million to the English Department instead?” Said Pickens without missing a beat, “Because you wouldn’t be interviewing me now if I’d given forty million to the English Department.”

Don’t forget our high schools: “’Look, football has always been a big deal here. This is Texas.’ – Steve ‘Bubba’ Williams, athletic director at Allen High School, overlooking his new $60-million football stadium. But seating 18,000 with double-decked press boxes and huge video screen, Allen’s facility will still be only the fifth largest high school football stadium in Texas.” – The New York Times

Finally, in 1950 when Rice Stadium was being built by Brown & Root, there were rumors that construction was behind schedule. A reporter went out to the site and found CEO George Brown himself shoveling dirt. The reporter inquired, “Mr. Brown, do you really think this place is going to be ready on time?”

Said George Brown, without looking up, “It’s a night game.”

 

Ashby is subsidized at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SO SIOUX ME

We must now consider North Dakota University – and why we should care. The school, way up there on the tundra, for many years has fielded athletic teams called the Fighting Sioux. But in this era of political correctness, the name is deemed insulting and demeaning to fighters. No, actually, insulting to Sioux. The NCAA ruled several years ago the university must change its name to something more suitable for delicate minds or NDU cannot host or participate in NCAA postseason games as the Fighting Sioux. What’s more, other schools are refusing to play in Grand Forks and NDU’s attempt to join a bigger and better athletic conference may be in peril.

Well, them’s Fighting (Sioux) words. Besides, the campus is covered with Sioux stuff. The lobby of the school’s Ralph Engelstad Arena has a huge Indian head logo in the marble floor. The gift shop is – what else? — the Sioux Shop where more than 90 percent of the merchandise features the logo or the nickname. The head of an Indian warrior wearing feathers is everywhere in the stadium — on team jerseys, etched on the aisles, on walls, in locker rooms.

There was a North Dakota state law requiring the university to keep the nickname, but it was repealed. Then the repeal was repealed. The battle has dragged on for seven long years, even involving the North Dakota Supreme Court. The last round was a referendum: Organizers presented more than 17,000 signatures on a petition calling for a statewide vote, which will be held in June. Keeps them busy. If you’ve seen the movie “Fargo” you know that, aside from tossing people into wood chippers, not a lot happens in North Dakota. But to make the change again won’t be cheap: $750,000 was spent on the original transition.

This fight is only the latest chapter in the Politically Correct, or PC, movement to do away with traditions. UT-Arlington used to be the Rebels. Indeed, a lot of Southern schools once called themselves Rebels. Not any more. As far as I know, there is no groundswell to change the New York Yankees to the Emancipators. The Stanford Indians became the Cardinal. Marquette University changed its team name from the Warriors to the Golden Eagles.

Somehow the Florida State Seminoles have avoided the change. Some say it’s because the actual Seminoles in Florida like the name. Others note Florida State wins national titles and generates big bucks for everyone, including the NCAA, unlike North Dakota. That’s cynical, and probably true. The University of Utah still calls itself the Utes, which beats their first choice: the Multi-Married Mormons.

Here’s a good one: The University of Oklahoma once had an Indian mascot, Little Red, who at OU football games would dress in red and white war paint and feathered bonnet (school colors). When OU would score a touchdown the band’s drummers would beat a tom-tom rhythm and Little Red would dance around, waving his tomahawk and yelling war chants. This was eventually deemed in poor taste and humiliating to our noble savages, so the job was abolished. Unfortunately, the slot was reserved for full-bloodied Indians, and included a total scholarship at OU. “Don’t do me any more favors, round eyes, as long as the rivers shall run and the buffalo shall roam.” It’s a good story, but I can’t confirm it.

The Florida State situation highlights some confusion in this policy. Since the NCAA says schools can keep their names if it’s OK with the Indians, and the Seminoles like the idea, why can’t NDU? Because the Spirit Lake Tribe voted to allow the use of the Fighting Sioux, but the Standing Rock Sioux tribal council opposes the nickname. Incidentally, the pros don’t seem to be changing at all: the Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians.

It seems most Indian activists oppose the use of Indian names, but the rank and file don’t care. According to a Sports Illustrated survey in 2002, “There is a near total disconnect between Indian activists and the Native American population on this issue.” Indeed, there is even a fight over what to call whom. The title “Indian” is being replaced by “Native American” among activists. But the federal agency which oversees the Native American affairs is called the Bureau of Indian – yes, Indian – Affairs, and is headed by Larry EchoHawk. Go figure.

According to the American Indian Cultural Support, as of 2006, at least 2,498 kindergarten, elementary, middle and high schools used Indian mascots, so there is a lot of work to be done with school names. But the facelift doesn’t end on campus. The word “squaw” has disappeared from the names of all public places in Maine – about six of them. The erasure came 11 years after a state law required the change, but it took till now for the U.S. Board on Geographic Names to approve the move. Most Indians in Maine say “squaw” is offensive and translates to prostitute. The law doesn’t cover the privately owned Big Squaw Mountain Resort, and the owner said he is not changing the name. Of course, Squaw Valley, Calif., was the scene of the 1960 Winter Olympics and no one seemed to mind, not even India.

Here in Texas, there was a road just west of Port Arthur called Jap Road because years ago a Japanese rice farmer lived nearby. I think they changed the name because no Toyota dealership would set up shop there. As for the battle of the North Dakota teams’ title, note the name in dispute is the Fighting Sioux, not the Fightin’, a spelling which is so popular among college organizations. I’m going to buy the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Band a “g.” Also, is the disturbing part of the name Fighting or Sioux? Maybe the Mincing Sioux or the Fighting Sue would past muster. Finally, we must expect at future North Dakota games, ticket scalpers will be called “entry adjusters.”

 

Ashby is PC at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCRAPING BY

INTERSTATE 10 — The cars and trucks speed along here on a bright and cheery spring day. The grass is green, the bluebonnets are blooming. The sky is blue. All is well in Texas. But we are not out here today to smell the flowers, or the diesel fumes. No, once again we come to this highway between San Antonio and Houston to briefly remember an event which took place here long ago, then we can go back to sweating who wins “American Idol.”
We all know about the fall of the Alamo (March 6) and the Battle of San Jacinto (April 21), but tend to forget the time in between. It was called the Runaway Scrape, when Texians – as they were then known – literally ran for their lives. First, let’s set the stage: As early as Jan. 4, 1836, settlers around San Antonio and today’s Corpus Christi got word that the Mexican Army had crossed the Rio Grande and was heading northward. Delegates had gathered at Washington-on-the-Brazos to draw up a constitution when word arrived that the Alamo had fallen. That gave impetus to the evacuation.
Most Texas men had joined Sam Houston’s army, so women, children and old men started trudging towards the safety of the United States, i.e., Louisiana. Using everything from ox carts to worn-out horses or just on foot, the rag-tag citizens moved over what passed for roads, enduring rain, temperatures as low as 33 degrees, hunger and disease. Many died on the way and were simply buried along the roadside. Doctors were scarce since most of them, too, had joined the army. Not only were the refugees afraid of the Mexican Army, there were warring Indians around.
On March 11, Houston moved his army east to the Colorado River and ordered all civilian Texians to do the same. The Constitution was signed on March 15, and by March 17 Washington-on-the-Brazos was deserted. San Felipe de Austin, the biggest town around with five stores and 30 houses, was burned to the ground by its inhabitants before they left. Others also followed a scorched earth policy, leaving Santa Anna’s soldiers practically starving. Richmond was abandoned by April 1. All settlements between the Brazos and the Colorado were emptied. By April 2, the prairie near Lynch’s Ferry (today’s Lynchburg Ferry near the Houston Ship Channel), was covered by refugees with their horses, wagons, mules, baggage and tents. About April 13, San Augustine and Nacogdoches were abandoned as the inhabitants fled east.
Gen. Houston kept retreating, much to the annoyance of the Army, whose officers almost mutinied. The interim Texas government was also dissatisfied with their general. President David G. Burnet addressed a scathing letter to Houston: “Sir: The enemy are laughing you to scorn. You must fight them. You must retreat no further. The country expects you to fight. The salvation of the country depends on your doing so.” Sam kept retreating, but he also kept a detailed expense account and then sent it to the government for reimbursement. Two saddles, five barrels of corn, powder, shot, all of that. The government would not reimburse Houston $2.50 for the in-flight movie.
Among those on the trek were brothers Gail and Thomas Borden, publishers of the Telegraph and Texas Register. The paper, strongly for an independent Texas, first published the Texas Declaration of Independence. It ran letters to the editor: “God and Texas – Victory or Death! W. Barret Travis, Lt. Col. Comm.” And on March 24, 1836, it reported: “. . . the darkness of death occupied the memorable Alamo.” When the Texas Army retreated, the Bordens put their press in an ox cart and joined the Runaway Scrape. The paper arrived in Harrisburg (there was no city of Houston) and had printed only six copies of the latest edition when Santa Anna’s troops entered the town. The Bordens escaped but three printers, still at work, were captured. The press was thrown into the bayou.
Meantime, the two armies had a few scattered skirmishes as they entered today’s Harris County, and camped here and there. The Texas Army entered the area from the northwest via Bastrop, Hempstead and southwest to San Jacinto. Part of the Mexican Army came through Goliad and Richmond, another came up from the south around Columbia. Looking at maps tracing the routes, it appears both armies wandered over half the county before meeting on April 21.
It was not an easy trek in the mud and muck. Yet, on occasion, the Texas countryside would warm, the sun came out and flowers blossomed. The soldiers were touched by the beauty of Texas. Col. Francisco González Pavón ordered his men not to harm what was left of Gonzales because he wanted his regiment to return and set up a colony there after the war.
“If the banks of the Guadalupe, going from Bejar (San Antonio) to (San Felipe de) Austin are extremely beautiful, because of the winding of the river, and undulation of the woods, all of which created a beautiful contrast with its green valley, the areas in which the town of Gonzales was situated is no less pleasant,” Lt. Col. Jose de la Pena, an officer with Santa Anna, wrote. He went on to observe, “Had we been well organized, the Texas campaign would have been a delightful trek, a series of pleasant days in the country interspersed with military maneuvers.” They were not well organized. Santa Anna lost and was captured in today’s Pasadena, about a mile north of State Highway 225.
Word of the victory reached the refugees before most got to Louisiana. There had been so many rumors that it took time for the news to sink in. The Runaway Scrape was over. The miserable lines turned back to the ashes of their homes and memories of their dead kin, and started all over again. Whether we have blood lines or not, we are their descendants and we should remember what happened during that spring in Texas.

Ashby retreats at ashby2@comcast.net

UP WITH PUT-DOWNS

“I notice in your brain dead typical left wing journalists who have no clue about misery and suffering in America by Obama, but pretend too” “You are a disgrace as a writer with your lap dog suck up to the radical left wing democrats who are destroying Americans lives daily” “Learn the truth” “Obviously, Lynn Ashby is a SOLD OUT Liberal in OH-BLAMA’s Tent!!”
One of the joys of this job is hearing back from readers, and e-mail makes it so much easier. Now we can simply put on our bathrobe in the middle of the night, go to the computer in the cellar and anonymously write threatening messages to total strangers. It’s better than beating the wife and kicking the dog to vent our frustrations.
Here’s some more: (Editor, please don’t correct the letters, they add to the flavor.) “I wish Mr. Ashby would identify those he mentions so we could bar them from attending. If he won’t then, he’s a liar.” “I notice you didn’t say in one of those months Obama declares himself King since he spits on our system of government. Also Obama gives aways billions of tax payers money for political donors to start businesses which fail”
“One of your brain dead reporters actually forgot their lies, to support the radical far left Obama faithful and Dems, which goal is to shut down American jobs, stated the Earth was the coolest in many years in 2011. I thought your brethren said a reversal wasn’t possible under this scenario of Global Warming????? More lies”
“This is all scare tactics, which you have been brainwashed by the far left and cannot be honest with real truth because your peers will reject any objection to the far left religion” “Print the truth, don’t slander, there could be issues. I know, how you left wing journalists ,love to distort the truth against conservative thinking people, who go against your perverted left wing religion” “Let make it simple for your polluted, lying mind”
OK, I did mistake the mayor for a serial killer, and did wrongly call it “the police farce.” True, not all Texas legislators are thieves, traitors and bigamists, but I’ll bet some are. I meant to call you a “bastion of the community.” Sorry, but libel lawyers need to work, too.
Human nature is such that, when we read something we like or agree with, we nod our head in approval and turn the page. But if what we read is unsettling, we slam down the newspaper and head for the cellar PC. Journalists refer to such epistles as Dear-Sir,-you-cur letters. They go with the territory and actually we like them, except for the ones signed, “Love, Mother.” Besides journalists feel they serve a purpose, letting others vent their frustrations. But these people really need to get a life. They could be doing something useful. Think of the camaraderie and the knowledge of accomplishment of taking up another cause: adopt a highway.
I cannot tell you of the depression and frustration I feel. No, not of being on the receiving end of such diatribes, but seeing the bad spelling, terrible syntax, garbled facts, lack of punctuation and semi-literate outrage. Journalists go to college to make sure every word is perfect, every fact is double-checked. Then we ignore all of that and do as we please. (Sorry about leaving out the “not” before “guilty.”)
We really need a better class of insulters. These examples are so crude, so unsophisticated. “Your mother wears army boots” would be a step up. Where is Mark Twain when we need him? “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” And: “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” Theater critic Walter Kerr: “He had delusions of adequacy.”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow. And from Mae West: “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” Closer to home: “He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.” That gem was the work of Sam Houston. President Abraham Lincoln is always portrayed a sorrowful figure, but he could insult with the best of them. To wit: “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
On the other hand, be careful whom and what you insult: “We did not conceive it possible that even Mr Lincoln would produce a paper so slipshod, so loose-joined, so puerile, not alone in literary construction, but in its ideas, its sentiments, its grasp. He has outdone himself.” — Chicago Times on Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address (Nov. 19, 1863)
Bumper stickers can be real zingers. These are from the commie-pinko left, but no doubt the right has some, too “Tea Parties are for little girls with imaginary friends.” “Am I a liberal or just well educated?” and: “Voting is like driving a car. Choose (R) to move backward. Choose (D) to move forward.” Any of these is guaranteed to provoke road rage in my neighborhood.
The British have honed the well-sharpened insult to a science. There is this famous exchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Nancy Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” Churchill replied, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
A member of Parliament said to Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.” Finally, Oscar Wilde: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” Baba-boom!
A journalist’s standard reply to a toxic letter from a total stranger is, “Dear Sir, You may be right.” Don’t mention the bathrobe.

Ashby gets insulted at ashby2@comcast.net

PASS THE WORD

MY COMPUTER – “The password you gave is incorrect.” So my bank is telling me on my computer screen. I am trying to get into my bank account to check my overdrafts, but can’t. My password is “wombat.” At least it was until someone stole my wallet that contained a slip of paper on which I wrote at the top, “secret passwords,” and somehow broke my code. So I changed this particular password to “tabmow” – “wombat” spelled backwards. Sneaky, eh? Eat your heart out, National Security Agency.

Wait. Is tabmow the secret word for my bank or my home burglar alarm system? Are you saddled with, and supposed to remember, a long string of various passwords for every one of your black boxes? Do you also have a different word to punch in at the bank ATM? Want to see your stock portfolio on-line or read your e-mail? In each case you need a password – a different password. Indeed, I need both a user ID and a password to check several accounts, plus a whole series of other secret words to use on my laptop not to mention my iPad2. (Apple didn’t like my initial offering in which I expressed my frustration over so many different passwords, labeling it, “Too obscene – get used to it.”)

Everywhere I look there are people fondling and punching their BlackBerries, iPads, iPhones, Kindles or their Android cell phones that take photographs while flossing their teeth. Each one of those instruments needs a password, maybe two or three, before activating. How much human energy and time do Americans spend each day simply trying to use what we can’t use until we remember our first spouse’s birth date?

If I forget the password to my parole records, the computer gets testy, so I have to jump through hoops to explain it’s really me: “What elementary school did you attend?” That’s easy, Benedict Arnold Elementary. Go Fightin’ Red Coat Turncoats! “What’s your mother’s maiden name?” Benedict Arnold. “How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck is a union member?” “If a train leaves Chicago at midnight going 65 mph and another train leaves New York ….” You get the idea.

One of my brothers lives in a gated community, he’s a convicted war criminal, so each time we drive up to the guard tower, I have to punch little buttons to open the gate. Actually, the security box is carefully designed so I have to un-do my seat belt, get out of the car, usually in the rain, to push the buttons, then I discover they changed the code. A friend lives on a ranch outside of Austin and invites us out for dinner. The ranch has a huge gate and tall fences – something about Comanche moons — so I need to punch in the code (Double Bar Laughing Cow). Where’s the cow button?

“Read The New York Times on-line!” To keep non-subscribers and Republicans away, the Times wants a secret code, password, eyeball check and DNA sample. Same for my local on-line newspaper. Have you tried to read your credit card statement on your PC or whatever you use? It’s easier to find a Rush Limbaugh sponsor. My own credit company, House O’ Cards, was reluctant to open my file, explaining, “You still owe us for the Y2K virus screen.”

Speaking of credit cards, they used to have just a long number and an expiration date. A few years ago they added another secret code: a four or five digit number. It is neatly written on the very same card. So what’s the point? That’s rather like hanging the key next to the door. Do you work in a place that has a keypad by the locked door? Before being allowed in, you have to punch in the correct code. Couldn’t you just wait till someone comes out and then you walk in?

One way to simplify my memorization was to use one word for everything, so I chose “password.” But I was told over the phone by Billy Bob, who spoke with a Nepalese accent, those were not enough letters; I must have at least one numeral and, besides, that word had already been taken. So now I have Passswurd8, puusswired32 and drowssap (backwards, hehehe).

There are so many different secret words that I had to make this list. Besides the aforementioned sites and firms I have been issued codes for a MUD (either Municipal Utility District or Mothers Ugainst Dating), my computer router, my PC anti-virus screen, the cable account, my Quickens checkbook, automatic electric bill payment and the Philosophical Society of Texas (don’t ask). Oh, I forgot: what’s your secret number to fetch the recorded phone messages from your home phone, office phone and cell? Can I borrow them?

Jack Paar, the late-night TV host, once said he got a secret Swiss bank account. The bank official told Paar, “On this slip of paper is your secret account code. Memorize it, then burn this paper and scatter the ashes in the wind off a bridge.” Paar stuck the paper in his pocket, ran to the nearest bridge, got out a match and read his secret code: “9”.

It seems odd that we need all these various codes, keys and passwords to protect our accounts and records from hacking when a 23-year-old Army private can give 300,000 secret government records to WikiLeaks. We taxpayers spent Lord knows how much to safeguard all those secrets to prevent exactly what happened. I want a refund. We must wonder how many security risks have access to the CIA’s ode-Cay oom-Ray. How is it that some 16-year-old in Frankfurt can hack into the Fort Knox when I can’t even open my own recorded cell phone messages? How many times have you been asked, over the phone, for the last four digits of your Social Security number? By the time you’re eligible for Social Security, you can’t remember them.

 

Ashby is hacked at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

OPERA IN THREE AXE

Our opera, “Entrare d’Pagliaccio” (“Send in the Clowns”), opens in the small Italian village of Constanto d’Beta where the rivals to become Il Duce square off for their daily arguments. The moderator, Fatso Rushbo, begins with the poignant lament, “Doofuss GOPO Canadito” that asks the musical question, “D’besti politico inna da parti? Dios Damanti!” which roughly translates as, “These are our best candidates for leader? Gee whiz!”

One office-seeker, Count Mitti Romo, sings his aria, “Mafioso Getta No Respecta” (“Corporations are people, too.”) which usually receives a standing ovation from the private boxes while those in the cheap seats throw fish heads at Romo. The moderator turns to another candidate, Dr. Ronaldo Paullini, who is considered a dark horse (listed in the program as “equine hopelessa”). Paullini takes a careful look at Romo and sings the hilarious “Medico Moribundo.” (“As a doctor, I pronounce your campaign DOA.”) Romo, of course, takes offense and replies with the well-known, if not vicious, “Fido inna d’Calaboosi.” (“I’ll put you in my car’s rooftop cage.”)

As the two adversaries almost come to blows, arriving in a hale of tossed rice and wedding bouquets is the white-haired southerner, Nintendo Blanco. Known as a fearless debater, if not a serial adulterer, Blanco takes center stage to offer the other candidates some advice in “Mama Media” which contains these lines, loosely translated:

“When your campaign’s a rotten mess/when money’s gone/you’re all alone/you can’t go wrong/just blame the press.”

Fatso Rushbo asks Blanco why he is not spending more money on his campaign, to which Blanco wails the unforgettable “Alimoni Non Pre-nupto.” Blanco then turns on Romo and sings, “Why did you say I’m a heretic and should be burned at the stake?” Romo replies with the arrogant, “Inferno Fantastico.” (“I like to fire people.”) Romo adds, “Sposo Macchina. (“You’ve had more wives than my wife has Cadillacs.”) As the curtain goes down on Act I, Paullini and Blanco sing the daunting duet, “Ennui Tutti-frutti,” that contains the memorable line, “Dominos wid d’pepperoni via Lamborghini.” (“Deliverers smile arrogantly as they make their rounds in an expensive sports car. It’s the Preening Tour of Pizza.”) At this point even those in the private boxes are throwing fish heads at the stage.

ACT II — The second act opens with the entrance of yet another job-seeker, Don Santore. With his beautiful tenor voice, he stands flatfooted, arms folded across his chest, and defiantly sings, “Non Scuola, Non Governo, Non controle d’bambinos!!” He segues into his beautiful “Medieval Melodi,” which ends with, “A woman’s place is in the convent.” Santore goes on to tell everyone that he will be chosen the new Il Duce because he is against all public endeavors, especially streets, parks, schools and fire departments, causing Romo to ask, “Don’t you like to fire people?” (“Zippo De Do Da?”)

There is a sound at the door and all turn to see the entrance of Ricardo Perri from the Solo Estella Stato. He bursts into song with, “Recuerdo Ooopso.” (“I remembered! It’s the Department of….of….of…”) Perri wanders off stage sadly shaking his head. Fatso Rushbo turns to the others and asks, “Eh?” (“Did that guy really get elected governor of Solo Estella Stato?”)

This is when Nintendo Blanco sings the defiant aria, “Non Influenza Per Banconote.” (“I Am Not a Lobbyist.”) His denial brings a chorus of laughter from the others who reply with the saucy, “Quack, Quack, Quack” (“If you look like a lobbyist, walk like a lobbyist and talk like a lobbyist, you’re probably a lobbyist.”) Romo adds an additional insult: “Betcha Buncha Moneta?” (“You want to bet 10,000 lira on that?”)

Blanco steps forward to sing, “How often do we have to hear ‘the Gingrich who stole Christmas?’ It’s been beaten to death.” Fatso Rushbo replies, “As often as we have to hear more dumb jokes about Eye of Newt.” (“Stupido Ad Nauseum”) When Dr. Paullini chides Romo for making so much money in a questionable manner, (“Una Percenta Dilemma”). Count Romo fires back with the delightful jig, “Danza d’Forma 1040” (also called “When IRS Eyes Are Smiling”) that contains the raunchy: “The Bain of my existence/ maintains my bare subsistence/loopholes keep me rich for sure/so I don’t fret about the poor.” The curtain falls as Blanco wails his famous, if repetitious, “Paparazzi d’scumbaggio.” (“The media are all lying commies except for Fox, which is fair for the unbalanced.”)

ACT III — The final act opens in the cloistered offices of the evil Don Wiggi Trumppo, king-maker, power broker and egomaniac. He is in sad spirits, singing the mournful, “Lamenta Bozo,” which goes, in part: “Bachman was the best man/Cain looked good as well/Chris won’t run/and Ron’s no fun/Newt’s poisoning the well.” Enter Don Romo who kneels and begs, “O, endorsi, presto chango.” He says the Don’s support would flip the race and put Romo in the lead. Trumppo replies with the hilarious, “Pinka Slippa.” (“You’re fired!”) And so it goes as one after another of the candidates comes begging for Trumppo’s support. After the last candidate leaves, the Don sings the sly, “Uno buono secondo Il Duce.” (“Maybe one of them could be my vice president.”)

In comes the current Il Duce, Baracci O’Bama, singing the naughty, “Status Quo Perfecto.” (“This is no time for change.”) Don Trumppo scoffs with, “You’re full of promises and flowery speeches.” (“Bovine Poopinni”) O’Bama replies with the acidic, “Bigatti Contrario Negro” (“You bigot. Because I’m a black Irish-Italian Catholic Muslim you’re playing the race card.”) Don Trumppo argues that the economy is terrible, gas is 400 lira a liter, occupi Wall Strada is in its eighth month and, finally, “Unemploi essa d’pits.” O’Bama responds with his enchanting “Scaldare Globale.” (“It’s because of global warming.”) As the curtain drops, angry voters storm the stage singing the rousing March of the Tea Party: “Ditzo Eskimo.” (“Bring Back Sarah Palin.”)

 

Ashby sings at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

CROWNING MYTH TEXAS

Jose Antonio Navarro was a member of the landed gentry from San Antonio who was captured in 1842 by an old school chum, Gen. Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna. As Navarro had been a father of Texas independence, Santa Anna was overjoyed with his catch. Navarro was taken to Mexico City and tried for treason. He was found guilty, and was ordered executed.

However, he was promised that his life would be spared and he would get a prominent government job if he renounced Texas. But Navarro, replied, “I have sworn to be a good Texan, and that I will not forswear. I will die for that which I firmly believe, for I know it is just and right. One life is a small price for a cause so great. As I fought, so shall I be willing to die. I will never forsake Texas and her cause. I am her son.”

So wonderful a statement of personal pride, so much courage displayed and so widely quoted that the last part of it (“I will never forswear Texas and her cause. I am her son.”) is literally chiseled into stone — the lobby wall of the Bob Bullock Texas History Museum in Austin.

But the quote is also wrong, so made up, so flowery as to come from a bad movie. In Dallas recently I ran into Dr. James E. Crisp, noted author and an expert on all things Texas who discovered the inside skinny. According to Crisp, who was also quoted by Kent Biffle in the Dallas Morning News, the Navarro message was totally made up by Daniel James Kubiak (1938-98) of Rockdale in Milam County. Kubiak was an 11-term state legislator, high-school math teacher and football coach who created the quote in Ten Tall Texans. The statement was picked up in another book, often quoted (including by me) and ended up on the museum wall. A spokesman at the Bullock museum said they know about the mistake, but “you can’t just plaster over it and carve something else.” Donations for the job are welcomed.

This story shows again much of Texas’ history is too good to be true. Take the old story that Texas, having been a nation, can leave the U.S. any time we wish because that right is part of the Texas Annexation Treaty.Gov. Rick Perry has alluded to that. Even in “Travels with Charley” John Steinbeck writes, “Texas is the only state that came into the Union by treaty. It retains the right to secede at will.” Wrong. We didn’t get married by treaty, but by joint resolution. We even tried to leave once, with devastating results. See: “War, Civil.”

Here’s another: “By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.” Not true. But we do have a much-ignored law that says all trains going in or through the state have to display the Texas flag. On the other hand, Texas really can divide itself into as many as five different states. The division also creates a problem with what your children recite every school day: “I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one and indivisible.” The students should recite, “one and divisible up to four times.”

We entered the Union with the stipulation that we would keep all our public lands, including six leagues out into the Gulf, and we did. Why should anyone care? Because a few generations later oil was found under some of that land and water. The royalties go to educate our school children. There is another myth, or at least a misconception, in other states that the official state song is “The Eyes of Texas.” It certainly should be, but it’s the almost unsingable “Texas, Our Texas.”

Here’s a good myth to mull, if it is a myth. Did Travis draw a line in the sand with his sword at the Alamo, asking those who wanted to stay to step over? Indeed, the term “drawing a line in the sand” has become part of our national vocabulary. The biggest Texas myth is: How did Davy die? Was he killed fighting or captured and executed? One version is the truth and the other is clearly a myth. The nice thing about Texas history is that some of it is true and the rest should be.

 

 

 

Ashby’s myth is ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

PUTTING THE TEXT IN TEXAS

 

Quick. What was the last picture show in “The Last Picture Show”? What’s the best wood for barbeque, is high school football a religion or a cult, and why this sudden interest in things Texas? Answers: “Red River,” whatever wood they use at Dozier’s in Fulshear or Bill’s Barbeque in Ingram, and cult. As for the sudden interest in things Texan, it isn’t sudden, only now you can get college credit for studying our front porches and “Giant.”

According to the Houston Chronicle, the “idea of Texas” — in literature, culture, politics and even food — is the focus of courses in college campuses around the state. Texas A&M offers 10 Texas-flavored courses covering everything from anthropology to art history. One seminar is devoted to the intricacies of Texas barbecue. (Don’t laugh. Barbeque is a major industry in Elgin.)

UT-Austin offers courses in “Writing Texas,” which dissect the “premise that Texas is both a place lived in reality and a cultural phenomenon,” and “Texas State of Mind,” an interdisciplinary examination of geography, journalism, music, high school football and death row. Sam Houston State, Rice and others are getting in on the movement. McMurry University may have the most far-reaching study program: the “Texas Semester,” a chance to “study abroad — in Texas.” Students study the state’s vastness and diversity, culminating with a three-week waltz across Texas.

This being academia, we have to have those pointy-headed liberal profs with their cynical view of anything good and decent, like smoked ribs, cheerleaders and death row (where there are no more smoked ribs for a last meal, Mister Put-Down Prof.). So a number of de-bunking seminars are offered, too. But there are still a few more courses our young Texans need to take:

Baylor University has a new studies program: Texas Culture from Waylon to Willie. The Lyndon B. Johnson School at UT-Austin has a new seminar on “Elections LBJ Style,” where attendance will be taken – several times. Windmill Tilting 101 — Taught by Dr. Ron Paul, includes the medicinal benefits of marijuana, an expose of the Federal Reserve, plus field trips to Monaco and Macau to check on U.S. foreign aid (tuition must be paid in gold). SMU’s Tom DeLay School of Political Ethics offers Beginning Gerrymandering, although there may be a three-to-five year delay, so to speak, depending on the appeal.

Ooops 391 – A former Aggie yell leader teaches how to embarrass his state before the entire nation. The class meets a dozen times, with a final exam on the 10^th and last session. This same professor explains how to be guarded by DPS troopers in Paris while an arsonist burns your mansion in Austin because there aren’t enough DPS troopers to guard it, with its ever-popular spin-off lecture series, Charge It to the Taxpayers.

Sul Ross University’s Home Economics Dept. now has Accounting 101. Future CPAs learn how to cook the books, turn portfolios into toast and butter up the SEC. This same department offers gourmets a special foodie’s study: Road Kill Under Tire and Glass. Includes on-the-job training lab near US 90 outside of Alpine. Texas Woman’s University is considering a remedial class: It’s WOMAN’s University! Singular possessive! A Texas A&M professor of lenguesticks teaches Speeleng Fur Beginurs in which Aggies learn how to spell SEC.

Myths of Texas — Unicorns, Big Foot and the Abominable Snowman lecture on the last sighting of a Texas Democrat. The University of Phoenix depends on several offices in Texas not to mention 12-million home computers which serve students with such fields as Hot-Wiring Made Easy, Earn Big Bucks as a Bus Boy, Your Future as a Valet Parker and All You Need to Know About Resume Writing From A to B.

UTEP’s Bernie Madoff College of Business offers a seminar on how to run your own company into bankruptcy: Enron for Dummies. It’s an on-line course you can take right in your own cellblock. UTSA’s College of Liberal Arts proudly presents Math for Meth — a combination calculator and lab class. Also: A River Runs Through It – A new look at Texas’ immigration policies. In-state tuition approved for illegal aliens (English sub-titles).

The Texas State Board of Education unveils several new required courses for college-bound students. The Wheel – Is It Really Necessary? Evolution – Fiction or Fiction? Did God Mean for Man to Fly? A Fresh Look at Hieroglyphics, and for those future co-eds: Fashion Trends in Burkahs. All courses on animal husbandry were banned as “they sounded kind of kinky.”

The Texas Legislature has authorized Abstinence Makes the Crowd Grow Larger 102 – Students explore any link between abolishing family planning clinics and birth control programs with Texas having the highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation. Extra credit for linking mandatory sonograms with the vast increase in Medicaid and Food Stamps.

Rice University launches Student-Athletes 303: Do we really need athletes as students? The University of Houston launches its Student-Athletes 303: Do we really need students as athletes? Sam Houston State University’s Dept. of English has a new offering: Bushisms 303, in which students learn actually true and memorable quotes from our 43^rd president including: “We ought to make the pie higher.” “Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” and, “It’s clearly a budget, it’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

We spoke earlier of those liberal profs who are teaching how overblown, right-wing and backwards we are. They have classes entitled Mess With Texas, Rednecks and Gun Racks — No Place But Texas and Santa Anna Was Right (the proposed parallel course, A Fresh Look at Occupy the Alamo, has been postponed due to lack of police protection).

As we can see, there are still ample opportunities for our college students to be totally immersed in the state’s culture. Just remember, a Texas intellectual is someone who can listen to “The William Tell Overture” and not think of the Lone Ranger.

 

Ashby teaches Texas at ashby2@comcast.net

Federal Workers

UNCLE SAM’S CLUB

As long as there has been a federal government, we have heard that, while the pay is not real good working for Uncle Sam, there are wonderful health care and retirement benefits that even up the total package, so just don’t pay attention to the pay. However, we now find out that things have changed. These days the average federal non-military worker earns about 2 percent more than a private sector worker in a comparable job.

If we tack on the feds’ generous pension system, our government (or “gub-ment” as we say in Texas) civilian workers are making out like bandits – 16 percent more pay and benefits than the rest of us. Overall, the average benefits package for federal workers, including health insurance and a defined benefit pension plan, costs the government about 48 percent more than for private sector workers in comparable jobs. (To me, it is unclear how these workers are making 16 percent more but cost the government 48 percent more. Maybe they get annual bonuses or overtime on weekdays.)

These figures are an over-simplification; of course. We can’t really make sweeping statements about our 2.3 million civilian federal government workers, or 1.7 percent of the U.S. workforce. But in a nutshell, starting at the bottom on the federal pay scale, you are doing better compared to your cousin who works for Exxon. But when you get to the upper scales, like engineers and doctors, you could make more in the private sector.

More precisely, lower-skill federal workers with a high school diploma or less make 21 percent higher wages — about $4 more an hour — than private sector employees in similar jobs. What’s more, the federal worker-bees have far better health and pension benefits than their comparable colleagues in the private sector. Moving up to the mid-pay scale, for workers with a college degree, private and public sector wages – just wages — are about the same, but the government’s benefits package means overall compensation is about $7 more an hour, on average.

Looking at the tip-top of the federal pay ladder, the government has difficulty competing for highly qualified workers like doctors and engineers because federal pay isn’t as high. Indeed, federal workers with a professional degree or a doctorate earn, on average, 23 percent less than private sector employees. However, the government offers far greater job security, especially in these days of down-sizing, layoffs and firings. (We learn all of this from a study by the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office which, by the way, is itself a government agency. Hmmm.)

The easiest way to spot the disparity in private vs. public pay at the top levels is watching federal trials. Bernie Madoff or some Wall Street slime-ball has those high-powered attorneys with their alligator-skin briefcases and $2,000 Armani suits facing some poor just-out-of-law-school lawyer making Food Stamp pay. No wonder we the people lose most of these trials. The Dept. of Justice is simply a training ground for future lawyers who can jump over to the private sector. Those who are left wear alligator-skin suits.

Total compensation for civilian federal workers costs roughly $200 billion a year. Their pay has been frozen for the past two years because of our useless attempt to balance the budget. President Obama proposed lifting the pay freeze next year but limiting the increase to a small 0.5 percent hike. However, the House voted to keep the pay freeze for another year. Congressional pay stays at $174,000 a year plus benefits such as travel allowance, office expenses and campaign contributions, aka bribes.

It is considered cute to dump on our government workers at all levels, but these sweeping put-downs — usually by pols running for office so they, too, can be a government worker – are cheap shots, if you can consider $200 billion cheap. Most of us have little directly to do with the federal government. My only one-on-one is my postal delivery person, who is excellent. Incidentally, the U.S. Postal Service does not – repeat, NOT – get any of our tax money, unlike Newt Gingrich’s pension.

The key to these comparisons is, of course, “comparable jobs.” I made $80 a month as a Marine infantryman. Is there a civilian position that entails the same skills with comparable pay? Maybe those of a Mafia hit man. We pay the president $500,000 a year. The job has perks — Air Force One leaps to mind – and drawbacks, as Lincoln told Kennedy. Could the CEO of our federal government pull in more as a hedge fund chief?

We need to determine the civilian equivalent of an FBI undercover agent or lighthouse keeper before we can compare pay. You’re a DEA agent, armed with a government-issued cap pistol, waiting all night behind a cactus along the border to apprehend 24 drug smugglers armed with howitzers. Is there a private rent-a-cop equivalent? Wal-Mart doesn’t hire moles to hack the Kremlin’s laptops. GM apparently doesn’t have anyone to cook the books, like Congress does. Even our largest companies don’t do what our feds do. We can’t compare Apple to Agent Orange.

Studies show no child ever said he or she wanted to grow up to be a bureaucrat, but if we like those Social Security checks, Medicare payments and some guy in a white lab coat inspecting dead chickens for e-coli, it’s a good thing somebody scratches our itch. So it appears our ire at Washington is misplaced. It should be directed towards those hypocritical dirt bags we elect, and re-elect, to Congress. But we mistake their incompetence for those of all federal employees.

I always wanted to print up a bumper sticker: “The Alamo Was Defended By Gub-ment Workers” or maybe: “Man on the Moon — Close Enough For Government Work.” Here’s one: “’Fed Up’ Was Written By a Loser.” “Where’s the Tomb of the Unknown Whiner?” So, Mr. Wannabe Congressman or Miss Talk Show Radio Screed with your daily put-downs of our federal employees, deliver your own damn mail.

 

Ashby governs at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BRAND KNEW

So these three Texas ranchers are sitting around a saloon and one says to another, “What’s the brand of your spread?”

“Double Bar T. What’s yours?”

“Rocking Y.” He turns to the third rancher. “And yours?”

“Double G Rocking E triple O Bar J running 6.”

“How many head you got?”

“Not many. They don’t survive the branding.”

Those days may be over as the feds are trying to get ranchers to stop branding and start ear-tagging. What’s next? License plates on our stagecoaches and inspection stickers on our saddles? Get a rope. Wait, before you become irate about Washington interference and micromanaging the back 40, let me explain. The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture is proposing that adult cattle which are moved across state lines start wearing ear tags with an ID number instead of, or in addition to, a brand. Rustlers think twice about stealing that cow with those fabulous earrings, plus if any disease breaks out among the cattle the feds can easily spot the ranch, lot, owner, etc.

Some ranchers already use ear tags and they are increasingly important in exports to other countries, which account for about 15 percent of American beef and just over $5 billion in sales. Japan and South Korea both require electronic identification tags that verify the animal’s age and place of birth. The tags, which are stapled into an animal’s ear, are also less painful for the cow. OK, now you can get irate.

Some ranchers already are. An earlier federal proposal met with heavy flak and was shelved in 2009. This time the department received close to 1,600 comments on the proposed regulation, many of them negative. “Pilgrim, you’ll get my branding iron when you pry it from my hot, dead fingers.” Opponents note that rustlers can easily snip off the tags, but brands, like diamonds, are forever. Even if the brand is changed, the inside of the skin shows the change. Of course, you must skin the cattle to find out, which definitely lessens its value.

Here in Texas we have the Texas and Southwestern Cattle Raisers Association (TSCRA), a 134-year-old organization which rides herd on brands. You probably have seen those association signs on the gates of ranches, just next to the hanging tree. There are more than 15,000 beef cattle producers, ranching families and businesses in the association who manage approximately 4 million head of cattle (Texas has 13.3 million) on more than 51 million acres of range and pasture land. That’s a lot of horns and hoofs.

It is the only private organization I know of with its own official and authorized police force: 29 peace officers are commissioned by the Texas Department of Public Safety and/or the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation. Those rangers stationed along the Red River are dually commissioned to investigate agricultural crime in both states. Each year they investigate some 1,000 cases and recover an average of $5 million in stolen cattle and assets. Their job description is neatly ticked off by the TSCRA including, somewhat ominously, “keep the peace.”

You might be surprised to know there is no official state branding registry in Texas. It’s all done by the counties (at one time the office of hide and cattle inspector was an elective county office), but the TSCRA knows everything brand-wise. Now let’s learn branding. First, hold the cooler end of the iron. Where on the cattle you put your brand is just as important as the brand itself. The most popular spot is on the back left side. I recommend anywhere that the bull can’t gore you, and use a 45-foot handle. Brands can be handed down through the generations if you have proof Uncle Oscar wanted you to have his brand. They have to be re-registered every 10 years, and right now is the window of opportunity — the re-registration period began Aug. 31, 2011, and closes Feb. 29, 2012. You have to register in person because it’s hard for the county clerk to read rocking Js and flying Zs on his Dell.

This brings us to brand-speak. If you want to fit in with Luke, Slim and Pea Eye at the campfire, take notes: a leaning letter or character is “tumbling.” In the horizontal position it is “lazy.” Short curved strokes or wings added at the top make a “Flying T.” Short bars at the bottom of a symbol make it “walking.” Changing straight lines into curves makes a brand “running.” There are also rocking, bars, rails and slashes. Some ranchers were more inventive. A picture of a fish marked the cattle owned by Mrs. Fish of Houston. A. Coffin of Port Lavaca used a picture of a coffin with a large A on it. Bud Christmas of Seminole had his XMAS brand.

We all know the stories of the XIT brand, and the famed Running W of the King Ranch. Don’t forget the ranch with the unlisted logo: the Mavericks. There must be brands for ranches such as the Flying Dutchman, the Lazy Susan, the Rolling Stone and the Double Dipper. I knew a Jewish rancher who owned the Bar Mitzvah. Does Rupert Murdoch own the Fox CEO?

But the feds are trying to strike down what J. Evetts Haley called “the heraldry of the range.” I’d hate to see an end to the sizzle and smell of burning hide and the squeals of delight from joyful calves. Besides, it’s hard to make a James Avery pendant in the shape of an ear tag. Just doesn’t have the same pizzazz.

This Texas rancher is driving down roads in rural Vermont and spots a farmer leaning on a fence. The rancher pulls up and asks, “How big’s your spread?”

“Ten acres.”

“Son,” says the Texas rancher, “I can drive for three hours and not get to the end of my land.”

The Vermont farmer replies, “Yeah, once I had a car like that.”

 

Ashby brands at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

UNCORK THE CAMPAIGN!

We are in the midst of the most expensive presidential campaign in our nation’s history. (No, this race is not “the most important in our history etc.” Historically, it’s only sort of important.) Money records will be smashed as the candidates raise and spend millions – no, billions – of dollars seeking jobs that pay a fraction of that.

The question, as usual, is: what’s in it for us? If we don’t look out for Number One, who will? Certainly not those lying, cheating, hypocritical candidates who promise hot pie in the sky and deliver cold pizza in a box. Forget them, what about their money? Who receives all those campaign contributions? Why not us?

Let’s set the scene: In 2000, George W. Bush set the gold standard by raising and spending so much money all the other GOP candidates just melted away in surly silence. W. set a high bar, and Obama cleared it in 2008. This year, we don’t know yet how much money is involved because the bookkeeping is dreadfully behind the times. The Federal Election Commission (FEC) is not only toothless but late. It’s still figuring if Truman really beat Dewey by over-spending.

And, of course, there is the U.S. Supreme Court ruling in Citizens United v. FEC that said corporations are people and thus endowed with free speech rights – and the right to spend as much as they please. Bill Moyers observed, “I have a friend back in Texas that says he’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.” If speech is free, it’s also terribly expensive. Because of the high court’s ruling, super PACs can raise and spend as much money as they want and (the best part) almost anonymously.

This is truly a redistribution of wealth, as the Koch Brothers spend millions on catering, valets, ad salesmen, the little people. Wrong! In presidential campaigns, about 80 percent of the money goes to TV ads. Unless you own a TV station, you might not get a dime. Some of the money will go to Viacom, which owns CBS and whose chairman, Philippe P. Dauman, received $84.5 million last year. Remember that factoid when you make your next campaign contribution.

But there are still some donations left to fight over. For inspiration we take Iowa, please. The GOP primary a few weeks ago chose 1 percent of the party’s national delegates. Should we really care about a minute sample of skewered demographics? We were told we should, as the candidates with their entourage, the press from all over the world, poured into the corn fields and poured cash into the farmer’s coffers. If Iowa can do it, Texas can do it better.

Two steps: First, we have to move up the Texas primary to, say, a week after the January inauguration. No more shall we be an afterthought. We need to be up for grabs and not just a cash cow for funds to buy TV time in South Carolina. We’ll know we are important when we start seeing TV ads for the candidates, sudden visits to our cities, and rallies on the Capitol steps. A political first: they will be spending Texans’ money in Texas.

On the other hand, neither party really wants to blow cash in Texas. We are expensive. Texas is separated into 20 media markets, the most of any state. Former Texas Land Commissioner Garry Mauro, who was state director for Hillary Clinton’s campaign in 2008, told The New York Times, “It’s like running a national campaign. There are no similarities between Amarillo and Brownsville and Beaumont and Texarkana and El Paso and Austin and Houston and Dallas. These are very separate demographic groups with very diverse interests.”

That done, we take step Number Two: We need to be a consultant. It requires no training and obviously no talent. Look at Gov. Rick Perry’s presidential campaign staff: “There has never been a more ineptly orchestrated, just unbelievably subpar campaign for president of the United States than this one,” said an anonymous senior Perry adviser.  There’s room for fresh blood.

Perry’s principal campaign committee, RickPerry.Org Inc., reported in October that it had raised $17.2 million in the third quarter of 2011, more than every other candidate in that filing period. Some say they spent most of it. Others think there’s still a bundle of Perry cash in an Austin bank. I believe it’s piled up alongside Mitt Romney’s fortune in the Cayman Islands.

We also have those aforementioned super PACs. Perry’s was Make Us Great Again. The organization had intended to spend as much as $55 million to secure the Republican nomination for Perry, but as of Jan. 13, the super PAC had spent just $3.9 million. Where’s the rest of it?

But our governor was a cheapskate compared to Mitt Romney, the richest person ever to run for president. His worth is said to be near $250 million. Hey, when someone refers to his $374,000 income in just speaking fees for one year (seven times the median family income of $49,445) as “not very much,” he’s rich big time. Now Romney is spending millions and millions of his own money. Did you get your share?

Then there’s Newt Gingrich, who paid his daughter, Jackie Gingrich Cushman, more than $56,000 working for her father’s campaign the past two years. Ron Paul’s support comes in many different forms. In Nevada, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch is offering a special: two bunnies for the price of one if you support Paul. The Bunny Ranch, as you might suppose, is a brothel (prostitution is legal in Nevada). Dennis Hof, owner, said, “We thought real closely about supporting Gingrich, because he’s a cheater – and we love cheaters.”

All this time Obama is just raking it in, ready to out-spend the GOP nominee. Between now and November a few billion will be blown, and that’s where we come in, on either side. We can consult, hang chads and deliver cold pizza in a box.

Ashby consults at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

AIR APPARENT

Texas is once more the nation’s leader. No, we’re not talking about the number of children with no health insurance. Texas has long held that first place spot. Or the number of times meetings of our State Board of Education has been likened to a Luddite convention. Nor can anyone argue with our lead among the 50 states in cattle, population growth and executions. We are first in how little per capita our state appropriates funds for the arts (18 cents a year). The right answer? None of the above. Our latest Numero Uno championship is we’re the best state of the 50 for the emission of greenhouse gases. And by a long shot.

A bit of background: It seems the EPA (Energy Police Agency) has just released a detailed map of the U.S. showing who’s polluting our air and how. You should be proud, yet humble, to know that the Lone Star State’s coal-fired power plants and oil refineries generated 294 million tons of carbon dioxide and other heat-trapping gases in 2010. That’s more than the next two states — Pennsylvania and Florida – combined. Texas also releases more air pollutants of all sorts than any other state. Why should you care? You shouldn’t, unless you and your children breathe.

Texas, which has 19 coal-fired power plants — more than any other state — and plans to build nine more, is among the few states still adding coal-fired plants. Those power plants accounted for 61 percent of the state’s greenhouse gas emissions, while oil refineries and chemical producers contributed 15 percent and 13 percent, respectively. This spurred the American Petroleum Institute to say this data proves beyond a doubt that there is no reason to include oil refineries in any new anti-pollution rules because the refineries’ pollutants only destroy 15 percent of our lungs or 15 percent of the population. Either way, they have a point.

Remember that in 2006 Gov. Rick Perry wanted to “fast track” the construction of 11, or maybe it was 13, more coal-burning power plants, but got slowed down by those nosey tree-huggers who found a friendly judge. I’m not sure what exactly “fast track” means in this instance, but it has something to do with running up the coal-burning plants during a night when everyone is watching “America’s Got Talent.”

Texas also leads in getting screwed by our power companies: In the years after Texas deregulated its retail electricity market, rates have leaped higher than any other state with similar open competition. Between 1999 and 2007, our residential rate rose 64 percent. Before deregulation, Texans paid far less than customers in other states. However, we are first in wind power – until our electric companies figure out how to slap a finder’s fee on gifts from God.

Why should the EPA (Environmental Prohibition Administration) make such a study of greenhouse gases? You are absolutely right: It wants to link emissions to global warming, a theory opposed by Gov. Perry and most of the Whig Party. No wonder the governor, our attorney general and our GOP members of Congress want to abolish that federal agency and spend the money on dirigibles.

Much of the opposition to the EPA is based on a dislike of all regulations at any level, such as stop signs, child-proof bottle caps and zoning. Houston is the largest city in the nation, if not the galaxy, without zoning. Developers say, “Zoning and building regulations would hurt development, growth and, most importantly, our income.” Tell that to Austin, with more regulations on growth and development than the White House Rose Garden. Indeed, Austin’s biggest problem is that so many other people want to move there – mostly from Houston.

This takes us to the state level. We have the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality (TCEQ), an agency with the attack-dog ferociousness of a Portobello mushroom. This agency, ruled by appointees of — who else? – Gov. Perry, rides herd on pollution in a state where the children have a poem, “I shot an arrow into the air. It stuck.” We’ve got neighborhoods near the Houston Ship Channel with Gulf breezes you can chew. In Port Arthur, on a clear day you can see your feet. But air pollution is a statewide problem.

Remember the TCEQ (The Committee for Enjoying Queasyness) is the same state agency that commissioned a highly regarded Rice prof to make a study of the sea level rise in Galveston Bay. The prof attributed some of the rise to global warming, so the commission simply took that part out. Eventually the two sides reached an agreement, but it is obvious our Lung Rangers are the gang that can’t soot straight.

As for the governor, a spokeswoman in Perry’s office said all these EPA anti-pollution regulations are “a continuation of the Obama Administration’s assault on traditional American energy sources and the good American jobs they support.” Who can argue with that? There is a growing number of jobs around Texas for EMS staffers plus the makers of gasmasks, eye drops and headstones.

All this time you have been thinking, “I sure would like to see just how dirty our air is so I can flout it to my cousin in Newark.” Go to www.ghgdata.epa.gov and click on

Greenhouse Gas Data Publication Tool. Then you “Choose a State.” I chose Texas, for some reason, and there it is: 68 pages of facilities around the Lone Star State listing what they are pumping into the air we breathe.

David Doniger, the policy director for climate and clean air at the Natural Resources Defense Council, said of the new web site, “It means that every high school student or local reporter can see who the biggest carbon polluters are in his or her own backyard.” That’s easy for him to say. This local reporter has not a clue what any of those scientific terms mean. It’s just as well. I, personally, don’t want to breathe anything I can’t see.

Ashby pollutes at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s hone it down to only our fair city. Records for heat and drought were smashed as “Houston’s Hot” became more than a city motto. 2011 was officially the hottest and driest year in Houston’s history. Wildfires swept across fields and forests in the suburbs, and Memorial Park reported a vast number of trees there are dead or dying.

Parents Magazine rated the 10 best children’s museums for 2011. We’re Number Won: The Children’s Museum of Houston! And Houston was crowned Fast City of the Year by Fast Company magazine.

Red Light District: Mayor Annise Parker gave the green light to the red traffic light cameras, then reversed, then reversed her reversal. The program still may cost the city millions for breaking the contract with the camera company. That’s OK. The city’s coffers are loaded.

Bumper-to-Bumper Crop: Houstonians waited in traffic 57 hours last year, according to the 2011 Urban Mobility Report. That’s equivalent to about one and a half vacation weeks.

City Council members Wanda Adams and Jolanda Jones said they didn’t need to follow Mayor Parker’s mandate and take furloughs without pay to reduce the city’s terrible financial condition. Adams and Jones saved themselves a $1,000 pay cut each by, they said, reducing other expenses. This begs the question: couldn’t they do both? Anyway, Jones was defeated for re-election in a runoff.

Be It Eversole Humble (and Spring): Harris County Commissioner Jerry Eversole, facing re-trial on federal corruption charges, resigned and pled guilty. The charge carried up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. In exchange for the guilty plea and for Eversole’s resignation from office, prosecutors dropped charges of conspiracy, bribery and two counts of filing false income tax statements. He cannot run for office for 10 years, like we need him, and still faces sentencing.

The Casons Go Rolling Along: Socialite Becca Cason Thrash’s name appeared in the Chronicle at least 70 times in 2011, usually accompanied by a photo. Thrash was named a Chevalier of the Legion of Honor in Paris for raising $5 mil for the Louvre.

We all know Houston lost out in getting a retired space shuttle for the Johnson Space Center, but we eventually discovered whom to blame: former Houstonian and NASA director Charles Bolden, who overruled an advisory panel which recommended Houston get one of the space shuttles. Wonder if he’ll retire here?

Radio Active: After KTRH dropped its veteran and professional news team and veered to the loony right, Houston was left (so to speak) without any decent radio news programs. Enter KROI (91.1) FM with some of the old hands from KTRH. Houston. Not all of us are afraid of black helicopters.

In sports, TSU head football coach Johnnie Cole led the Tigers to a 9-3 record, the best in eons, and the Southwestern Athletic Conference championship, then was fired. Something about an NCCA investigation into players who got great grades – in classes they never took. The NCAA stripped the school of 14.78 (huh?) athletic scholarships.

The Rockets didn’t make the playoffs, again. Actually, Houston’s team finished dead last in its division, 18 games out of first place. Yao Ming played five games in two years, then retired. Two of their best players, Shane Battier and Aaron Brooks, were traded, and head coach Rick Adelman was fired/quit. Meantime, the Astros finished with the worst record in Major League Baseball, 40games out of first place, and no help is in sight. None of the Lastros’ minor league teams finished with a winning record, and none made the playoffs.

The Ice of Texas: Houston’s minor league hockey team the Aeros, got to the finals and their coach was promoted to the majors, if anyone cares.

Moving on, at a press conference, Houston Police Chief Charles McClelland probably saved the life of free-lance photographer Tony Morris by administering CPR until paramedics arrived a few minutes later. The chief declined to say if he had also administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Finger Pointing (Left Hand, Right Hand Div.): The DA’s office and the HFD each accused the other of letting Jessica Rene Tata flee to Nigeria. Tata was the child care owner who allegedly left her kids alone to go to the store, when a fire broke out at the house killing four infants.

A Bull Market: The Houston Livestock & Rodeo broke its own attendance record with nearly 2.2 million attendees – 5 percent higher than the 2010 record.

You are now free to move: The merger of Chicago-based United and Houston-based Continental Airlines caused us to lose 1,500 jobs to the Windy City.

The Houston Buffs are gone. No, not our minor league baseball team, but 11 of our small herd of buffalo were moved to a large north Texas ranch. Between the local drought and inbreeding, it was time to move.

Good Nabors Make, well, a lot: Nabors Industries’ retiring CEO Eugene Isenberg received a $100 million golden parachute. This was on top of his $176 million in compensation between 2006 and 2010 during which the company’s stock fell 38 percent. It’s dropped another 20 percent this year.

But our grand winner has got to be MTA chief George Grenias who was suspended for one week and forfeited a week’s pay for using his office computer to access adult sex sites.

Ashby looks backwards at ashby2@comcst.net

GOODBY MISTER CHIPS

By  Lynn Ashby                                    16 January 2012

LAS VEGAS – Over there sits Duc Luc, the inscrutable Vietnamese poker player. Next is Pampa Slim in his trademark cowboy hat and boots. Minnie Mae McQueen, queen of Minnie Mae, is here. Others around this crowded table are the usual suspects – card sharks from every corner of the globe, betting hundreds of thousands as the crowd applauds and the TV cameras keep grinding for ESPN.

Jeffrey Silas-Silas III, the Harvard math boy wonder, beckons me. No doubt he wants my advice on how to double-down his straight jack o’ hearts. He says, with that broad Boston accent, “I’ll have another gin and tonic, boy.” And that is about as close as I get to the big spenders here in Vegas (we riverboat gamblers just call it Vegas).

Sin City, Disney World for adults, Lost Wages, by many names, there is only one Las Vegas because that’s all our economy can afford and is an indicator of the nation’s finances. We must remember people come here for gaming (they never use the word gamble, gambling or bankrupt) after they have paid all their bills, saved enough for their kids’ college education and their own retirement. Yeah, right. In good times and bad, casinos are good, just maybe not as good as before.

Here are the latest figures from last October. The calculating runs a little late because the Mob has to run down – sometimes literally – the deadbeats and card counters. (I, personally, like the Sleep With the Fishes Collection Agency.) In a nutshell, things are looking up — slightly. About 3.42 million visitors came to Vegas last October, an increase of 2.7 percent. Year to date it’s almost 33 million guests, a 4.5 percent increase.

“What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas” is certainly one of the better city slogans, right up there with the “Big Apple” and “Port Arthur – gateway to Orange.” What stays here is the visitors’ money. Last October, just in that month, Nevada had $960 million in taxable gambling revenue, an increase of 8.1 percent. The casinos on the Strip raked in $$560 million. Baccarat broke all monthly records. Nevada took in $65.4 million in gambling taxes, up 8.6 percent for the month. No wonder they have no income tax.

In the mid-1970s, there were 35,000 hotel rooms in town. By 2007, the last time I was here, the boom was booming. Cranes everywhere, with 151,000 rooms (more than any other city in the country), another 11,000 rooms under construction, as well as more on the drawing boards (35,000).

How things have changed. The boom is bust. The Rat Pack is dead. Vegas tried to land an NBA franchise, but the basketball bosses said only if the casinos wouldn’t handle bets on the games, to which the casino bosses said, “Fugetaboutit.” Economists at the University of Nevada – Las Vegas (which offers bachelors, masters and doctorates in hospitality/hotel administration) have warned that Southern Nevada’s real estate market may improve, but not soon. With the decline in housing prices, 63.3 percent of homeowners in the Las Vegas area “have negative equity” (are underwater).

Unemployment improved slightly from 14.8 percent in 2010 to 13.2 percent in 2011, but that’s still one of the highest in the nation. On the other hand, the Las Vegas population is expected to reach 3.6 million by 2050, which is what the Houston area is today.

No major American city has less of a history than Las Vegas because almost nobody lived here until Bugsy Siegel arrived, and he got shot dead for his efforts. Speaking of such matters, this is Binion’s, a casino with a wonderful steakhouse up on the 24^th floor that the locals don’t want the tourists to know about. I heard the maitre d say on the phone, “From 6 to 9 we are solidly booked. As usual.”

The casino belonged to Benny Binion who came here after he was run out of Dallas where, back in the 1940s, he was known as the Mob Boss of Dallas. Benny had five kids, and my father, a pediatrician, would make house calls (there’s a forgotten term) to the Binions. Dad would remark how he’d drive up to the big iron gate and two guys would stop him and peer into his car to make sure he was alone. Dad noted how, even in the Texas summers, these two torpedoes would always wear black overcoats.

Nearby is another Texas connection (this place is full of Texans), the Golden Nugget. It was bought by a Houston restaurateur, Tilman Fertitta (Landry’s, McCormick & Schmick’s, Salt Grass, etc.), who pumped $100 million into the Nugget and helped make downtown Vegas a decent place. It used to be the pits.

I suggest you visit here during the annual Rodeo Super Bowl or officially the National Finals Rodeo. This week the town is full of easy-to-spot cowboys. You can tell they are the genuine thing because none of them wears fancy boots. If you want to look genuine, here’s the wardrobe. Hat is black or pearl gray, no straw and no feather hat bands. Shirt has pearl-snap buttons. Blue jeans are too long so that they crumple at the bottom and the back hem is frayed. Boots are round-toed and rough-hewn. Belt buckles are still the size of a hubcap. The men dress roughly the same way. The rich ranchers wear more pointy-toed boots made of ostrich or leopard or Comanche.

A high school friend became a lounge singer in Vegas. She’d come home about 4 a.m., get up to send her two kids off to school, go back to sleep till noon. One of the toughest jobs in America must be trying to run a P-TA in this town. “We’ll meet at 8 p.m. in the school cafeteria to… OK, 9 o’clock? So 4 a.m. is best?”

Wait. Duc Luc is gesturing for me. He either needs my advice or a light.

 

Ashby is a real card at ashby2@comcast.net

 

LEND US YOUR YEAR

In San Antonio, Ricardo Jones shot an air gun at a restaurant manager, displayed a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol, then exchanged gunfire with three police officers. Jones drove away, but later held off police during a three-hour standoff at a hotel. Tear gas had to be used to get Jones out of the room. Why? He had ordered seven Beefy Crunch Burritos and was surprised to learn that the price had gone from 99 cents to $1.49.

In Houston, Bridgett Nickerson Boyd‘s car broke down on a freeway, a sheriff’s deputy wrote her a ticket for driving on the shoulder and finally drove her to jail. Boyd, who is black, claims in a lawsuit that the handcuffs were put on her wrists painfully tight, etc. and, worst all, she said she was forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh “make derogatory comments about black people” all the way to the jail. She sued alleging many wrongs, and, for being forced to listen to Limbaugh, intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Yes, 2011 was that kind of year in Texas. So let’s continue with our two-part look at that year’s winners before Texas Monthly steals all our good ideas for its Bum Steer Awards.

The Spies of Texas: Vice Adm. William H. McRaven of San Antonio and UT, where he was a journalism major, masterminded, or led – these guys are so secretive — the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden. If he really is William H. McRaven.

Missed: Eunice Sanborn of Jacksonville, Tex., died at the age of 114 – the world’s oldest person.

Longhorn of Plenty: Facing drastic cuts in the UT System’s budget, including higher tuition and fewer scholarships, UT regents hired Rick O’Donnell, a conservative think tank consultant, for $200,000 a year. His job description was remarkably similar to that of Chancellor Francisco G. Cigarroa. After huge indignation, O’Donnell was fired.

Half Nelson Quote: “I’m gonna let him plead, pay a small fine and he’s gotta sing ‘Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain’ with his guitar right there in the count room. You bet your (rear) I ain’t gonna be mean to Willie Nelson.” – Hudspeth County attorney Kit Bramblett, offering a musical deal to the singer after several ounces of marijuana were found on his tour bus. After his plea proposal went nationwide, Bramblett said he was just kidding.

A Grave Mistake: Reacting to an anonymous phone tip from a woman claiming to be a psychic, local law officers, the FBI and a horde of media descended on a lot near Hardin in East Texas looking for a mass grave containing scores of mutilated bodies, including those of children. Nothing.

Aransas County court-at-law Judge William Adams was taped cursing at his teenage daughter and using a belt to whip her for violating his orders to stay away from the Internet. Adams told a local TV station: It’s “not as bad as it looks on tape.” In the assault trial of oft-seen-on-TV hand-surgeon Michael (“Daddy’s baby girl”) Brown, it was charged that among the objects Brown threw at his wife was Brown’s 2010 Humanitarian Award. He was acquitted.

Double Big Dipper: Gov. Rick Perry is collecting an annual salary of almost $133,000 plus a $7,700 monthly state pension from his earlier state offices. He reported a total annual income of $290,000 including his wife’s salary of $65,000 giving him a net worth of at least $1.3 million. Not bad for a guy who’s been a Texas state employee much of his adult life.

Since the 9/11 terrorist attacks, Texas has received at least $1.7 billion from federal Homeland Security to fight terrorism. Local governments spent it on a $21 fish tank in Seguin, a $24,000 latrine on wheels in Fort Worth, and, in Liberty County, grants bought $6,167 worth of dog crates, feed pans and a hog catcher. Others bought Ziploc bags.

San Antonio was named the best-performing city in the nation in 2011 by the Milken Institute, a nonpartisan economic think tank. Houston was ranked 16^th but was Numero Uno among the nation’s 10 largest metropolitan areas. In sports, seven starting quarterbacks in the NFL are Texas high school products. Eight when Vince Young plays for an injured Michael Vick.

Tale of Two Cities: The Houston Astros finished the ’11 season with the worst record in major league baseball, 40 games out of first place. The Texas Rangers went to the World Series – and finished in last place. The Houston Rockets finished 18 games out, while the Dallas Mavericks won the NBA championship. Big D has a great video out touting the city, complete with an address by Mayor Mike Rawlings and a shot of, uh, the Houston skyline.

Houston gave us all sorts of dummy awards. In anticipation of heavy snow, the city of Houston spread liquid magnesium chloride on the streets at a cost of $68,250. Houston got ice instead, along with 800 wrecks and four traffic fatalities.

He Was Framed: This guy appears at the door of a fancy Houston house. He wears a ski mask, gloves and carries a black semi-automatic weapon, demanding money and jewelry. “But wait,” says the owner/victim, “notice that painting on the wall. It’s very valuable.” So the burglar also takes a priceless Renoir, his “Madeleine Leaning on Her Elbow.”

Four people, two of them employees of the International Bank of Commerce in Houston, were charged with robbing their bank after a tip that two of them wrote on their Facebook pages, “Get$$$.” “I’m rich” and “Wipe my teeth with hundreds.” Also, during a high-speed chase demonstration staged by the Houston police for Chinese law enforcement officials, two patrol cars collided, injuring seven people, including five of the People’s Police.

Houston’s State Sen. Dan Patrick, who constantly rails against Washington’s outside interference in state matters (“Austin knows best.”), filed a bill to exempt churches and schools from a Houston drainage fee which had already approved by the voters. It seems Austin knows best.

Next, we take a closer look at more of Houston’s contributions to 2011, while we await 2012 with mixed feelings.

 

 

Ashby wins at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s hone it down to only our fair city. Records for heat and drought were smashed as “Houston’s Hot” became more than a city motto. 2011 was officially the hottest and driest year in Houston’s history. Wildfires swept across fields and forests in the suburbs, and Memorial Park reported a vast number of trees there are dead or dying.

Parents Magazine rated the 10 best children’s museums for 2011. We’re Number Won: The Children’s Museum of Houston! And Houston was crowned Fast City of the Year by Fast Company magazine.

Red Light District: Mayor Annise Parker gave the green light to the red traffic light cameras, then reversed, then reversed her reversal. The program still may cost the city millions for breaking the contract with the camera company. That’s OK. The city’s coffers are loaded.

Bumper-to-Bumper Crop: Houstonians waited in traffic 57 hours last year, according to the 2011 Urban Mobility Report. That’s equivalent to about one and a half vacation weeks.

City Council members Wanda Adams and Jolanda Jones said they didn’t need to follow Mayor Parker’s mandate and take furloughs without pay to reduce the city’s terrible financial condition. Adams and Jones saved themselves a $1,000 pay cut each by, they said, reducing other expenses. This begs the question: couldn’t they do both? Anyway, Jones was defeated for re-election in a runoff.

Be It Eversole Humble (and Spring): Harris County Commissioner Jerry Eversole, facing re-trial on federal corruption charges, resigned and pled guilty. The charge carried up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. In exchange for the guilty plea and for Eversole’s resignation from office, prosecutors dropped charges of conspiracy, bribery and two counts of filing false income tax statements. He cannot run for office for 10 years, like we need him, and still faces sentencing.

The Casons Go Rolling Along: Socialite Becca Cason Thrash’s name appeared in the Chronicle at least 70 times in 2011, usually accompanied by a photo. Thrash was named a Chevalier of the Legion of Honor in Paris for raising $5 mil for the Louvre.

We all know Houston lost out in getting a retired space shuttle for the Johnson Space Center, but we eventually discovered whom to blame: former Houstonian and NASA director Charles Bolden, who overruled an advisory panel which recommended Houston get one of the space shuttles. Wonder if he’ll retire here?

Radio Active: After KTRH dropped its veteran and professional news team and veered to the loony right, Houston was left (so to speak) without any decent radio news programs. Enter KROI (91.1) FM with some of the old hands from KTRH. Houston. Not all of us are afraid of black helicopters.

In sports, TSU head football coach Johnnie Cole led the Tigers to a 9-3 record, the best in eons, and the Southwestern Athletic Conference championship, then was fired. Something about an NCCA investigation into players who got great grades – in classes they never took. The NCAA stripped the school of 14.78 (huh?) athletic scholarships.

The Rockets didn’t make the playoffs, again. Actually, Houston’s team finished dead last in its division, 18 games out of first place. Yao Ming played five games in two years, then retired. Two of their best players, Shane Battier and Aaron Brooks, were traded, and head coach Rick Adelman was fired/quit. Meantime, the Astros finished with the worst record in Major League Baseball, 40games out of first place, and no help is in sight. None of the Lastros’ minor league teams finished with a winning record, and none made the playoffs.

The Ice of Texas: Houston’s minor league hockey team the Aeros, got to the finals and their coach was promoted to the majors, if anyone cares.

Moving on, at a press conference, Houston Police Chief Charles McClelland probably saved the life of free-lance photographer Tony Morris by administering CPR until paramedics arrived a few minutes later. The chief declined to say if he had also administered mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Finger Pointing (Left Hand, Right Hand Div.): The DA’s office and the HFD each accused the other of letting Jessica Rene Tata flee to Nigeria. Tata was the child care owner who allegedly left her kids alone to go to the store, when a fire broke out at the house killing four infants.

A Bull Market: The Houston Livestock & Rodeo broke its own attendance record with nearly 2.2 million attendees – 5 percent higher than the 2010 record.

You are now free to move: The merger of Chicago-based United and Houston-based Continental Airlines caused us to lose 1,500 jobs to the Windy City.

The Houston Buffs are gone. No, not our minor league baseball team, but 11 of our small herd of buffalo were moved to a large north Texas ranch. Between the local drought and inbreeding, it was time to move.

Good Nabors Make, well, a lot: Nabors Industries’ retiring CEO Eugene Isenberg received a $100 million golden parachute. This was on top of his $176 million in compensation between 2006 and 2010 during which the company’s stock fell 38 percent. It’s dropped another 20 percent this year.

But our grand winner has got to be MTA chief George Grenias who was suspended for one week and forfeited a week’s pay for using his office computer to access adult sex sites.

 

Ashby looks backwards at ashby2@comcst.net

THE YEAR OF OUR DISCONTENT

By Lynn Ashby                                                       26 Dec. 2011

How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped out hundreds of homes and up to half a billion trees. Lakes dried up to reveal cars and bodies. Texans suffered through the hottest June, July and August on record in the United States, according to the National Weather Service. Our 86.8 average beat out Oklahoma’s 85.2 degrees in 1934.

This was also the year that gave us the near-destruction of the Big XII and Gov. Rick Perry’s presidential hopes. The Aggies continued to give us oddball events, and our pols proved Texas has the sleaziest. So let’s take a look at 2011, the Year of the Rat.

Right-wingnut radio talk show host Glenn Beck looked all over America for his new home and radio-TV studios. Where would such a conspiracy-screwball feel most at home, comfortably surrounded by similarly minded people? Dallas, of course.

Prose and Cons: Anthony Graves, who spent 18 years on Death Row for a crime a special prosecutor ruled Graves didn’t commit, was due to receive $1.4 million compensation, but the Texas Comptroller’s office ruled Graves was ineligible because the words “actual innocence” did not appear in the document ordering his release. Other Texas Death Row inmates will no longer have a last meal after convicted murderer Lawrence Russell Brewer ordered up a vast feast including two chicken fried steaks, a cheese omelet and loads of extras – then didn’t eat them.

Texas state Sen. Judith Zaffirini was running for re-election in her district along the Mexican border, but had to change her logo. Border residents were alarmed to see lawn signs with a big jagged Z, a symbol for the Zetas, a murderous drug gang. Meanwhile, the Zetas were horrified that anyone might mistake them for members of the Texas Legislature.

Hullabaloo Disconnect, Disconnect: After a century of being in the same conference with UT and Baylor, Texas A&M split for the SEC. Then fired its coach. Aggie Quote of the Year: “Bring it on.” – Texas A&M Deputy Chancellor Jay Kimbrough, longtime Perry trouble shooter, to Aggie officials who had just fired him. At the time, Kimbrough was holding a pocketknife. Kimbrough later said it was just a joke.

Maroon Is Also a Verb Div: “I have to admit that the stupidity on this board (of regents) always brings me back to the point that I know I’m not the dumbest (expletive) out there.” – Texas A&M athletics chief financial officer and senior associate athletic director, Jeff Toole, written on a fan web site, anonymously, he thought. He also called A&M President R. Bowen Loftin a “putz.” and a “hopelessly underqualfied puppet.”

Goal Finger: Dallas Cowboy Roy Williams mailed a $76,000 engagement ring to former beauty pageant winner Brooke Daniels of Tomball and a recorded marriage proposal. She turned down Williams, a former UT football star, and kept the ring, he claimed. Williams went to court, but finally got the ring back. No word on the romance.

Big D for Disaster (A wardrobe malfunction seems minor): After years of planning and vast amounts of money spent, Super Bowl XLV at Cowboys Stadium also hosted heavy snow and ice which canceled flights. Traffic was a dangerous hockey game, and 850 fans were told their temporary seats were not useable because they were unsafe. The unhappy ticket-holders sued. Meantime, during that Dallas weekend, 59 people were arrested on prostitution related charges.

Worst Sports Fans: The boo-birds in Austin who heaped scorn on Longhorn quarterback Garret Gilbert after a couple of incompletions, and the fans were Longhorns! Wonder if they would do that to his face – that face which goes with his 6-foot-4-inch 219-pound body? No matter, Gilbert got hurt and transferred to SMU. We’re doing better at getting a return on our athletic investment: Of the top 100 Texas graduating high school football players this past spring, only 43 went out of state. Usually, we keep just a few of the blue chippers.

In politics, the year began with years – Tom DeLay got three of them in the clink.

From his re-election in November of 2010 until last Sept. 28, Gov. Rick Perry had gone through $762,680 in state funds for bodyguards (read: sherpas) on out-of-state trips. These taxpayer funds were used during a family vacation to the Bahamas and trips made by Anita Perry alone. Just why al-Queda would attack Mrs. Perry in Amsterdam or Madrid isn’t clear.

“Commerce, education and – what’s the third one there? Let’s see. I would do away with Commerce, Education, and let’s see. I can’t – the third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.” – Our not ready for prime time Texas governor in a GOP presidential debate.

U.S. Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Austin, married to the Clear Channel fortune, is the richest member of Congress, displacing Sen. John Kerry, married to the Heinz fortune. A Texas congressman on the House Financial Services Committee has filed for personal bankruptcy. Rep. Rubén Hinojosa, a Democrat, has $2.9 million in liabilities, and nearly $1.5 million in assets. Most of the debt, $2.6 million, is a claim by Wells Fargo Bank. Fortunately for the congressman, his House Financial Services Committee has jurisdiction over legislation affecting banks.

Gentlemen, Start Your Indignations: Five Republican lawmakers from the Houston area — Reps. Kevin Brady, John Culberson,  Michael McCaul, Pete Olson and Ted Poe — all voted to eliminate federal dollars earmarked for National Public Radio and Planned Parenthood. But they voted yes for the Defense Department’s multimillion-dollar sponsorship deal with NASCAR racing teams. Lost in Space: Houston didn’t get one of the retired space shuttles for the Johnson Space Center. Instead, NASA awarded them to such space bases Los Angeles and Seattle. Don’t Keep on Truckin’: A Sealy factory officially lost its $3 billion contract to build 23,000 trucks for the US Army.

We haven’t even started yet, so let’s get back together next week and honor the dishonorable before Texas Monthly steals our list for its Bum Steer Awards.

 

Ashby awards at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

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