Mink and Manure

By Lynn Ashby                                                30 August 2010
THE STORE – The first clue is the parking lot. Intermingled are Lexuses and MachoMaster pickups, bumper stickers reading “George W. Forever!” and “I’d Rather be Ropin,’” country club ID stickers and gun racks. No place but Texas. This is a store in Hunt (actually, its [...]

Separate Checks

By Lynn Ashby 9 August 2010
THE RESTAURANT – Now is the awkward moment of truth, or agony. The waiter is coming across the restaurant with our check. This is the same waiter who ignored us for most of the evening as we smiled, waved napkins, stood on the table yelling. No attention from him. But when [...]

Grocery Store Manners

By Lynn Ashby                                                 12 July 2010
THE COUNTER – You may have heard of Ettorre’s Observation: The other line always moves faster. Before me is living proof of that. The shopper who is checking out seems to have a problem – it could be the English language, U.S. currency, sobriety or mental instability. [...]

Neighborhood Spies

By Lynn Ashby 19 July 2010
THE FRONT YARD – Here comes my neighbor, Billy George Kudzu, who likes to talk about international affairs. “Billy George, did you see those news stories about the Russian spies living in suburban neighborhoods? Had jobs, kids, AA membership, and all the time they were trying to [...]

Vacation

By Lynn Ashby                                                            5 July 2010
Workers unions in Spain are steamed about changes in their rules and are going to strike for the first time in a decade. Nothing will stop them as they slam down their tools, lunch pails and capes to storm out of their factories, rail yards and [...]

Big 12

By Lynn Ashby                                                            28 June 2010
We must discuss the Big 12 or, if you’re a Latin major, the Big XII. Cynics call it the Dirty Dozen, and note the athletic conference now has only10 members. How can it be called the Big 12 when the conference almost called it quits? [...]

Death and No Taxes

By Lynn Ashby                                                    21 June 2010
My first indication of the changing situation was when my children started inquiring about my health. “How ya feelin’ today, Dad?” asked the eldest. “You look a little tired, Daddy,” said my daughter. Another son e-mailed me: “Is your medication kicking in? Just asking.”
They had never [...]

Dear Texas School Teacher,

Dear Texas School Teacher,
You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your new tectsbooks as approved by us here at the Texas State School Board Comitee.
Well, here they ar. Tell us if you don’t like the emprovments and end-of-chaptor questions so well [...]

The Attic

This is a good time to go through junk in my attic, because it’s not too hot. During a Texas summer, attics are fit only for empty suitcases, unwanted picture frames and Christmas ornaments. Speaking of the latter, have you noticed that during the summer someone goes into your attic and tangles up your Christmas [...]

Supreme Insult

24 May 2010
Texas has again been bypassed in the Washington power game. (Whine-whine, sulk-sulk) I am referring, obviously, to our complete absence on the U.S. Supreme Court. To fill another vacancy there, President Obama has, predictably, looked to the Ivy League to select Solicitor General Elena Kagan.
Her background is the usual. She is from the [...]

Second Battle of the Alamo

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        17 May 2010
Okie: If there was a backdoor to the Alamo, there wouldn’t be a Texas.
Texan: There was a backdoor to the Alamo. That’s why there’s an Oklahoma.
Hehehe. Just an old joke to start today’s discussion of who owns the Alamo? It would seem obvious the mission [...]

Coat Hangers

By Lynn Ashby                                    12 April 2010
THE CLOSET – It’s OK for me to come out now. Just don’t ask and don’t tell. I am speaking, of course, about coat hangers. Notice that you can’t unhook a single coat hanger, especially an empty one? They band together, get all tangled up. I went in [...]

Good by to Free Newspapers

All good things must come to an end, and now this includes free newspapers. The change is most welcomed because I’m tired of standing on the street corner holding up a sign, “Wil rite fur food.” As we all know, the media are (remember the word is plural) in bad financial shape. So are hotels, [...]

Texas School Books

By Lynn Ashby                                                5 April 2010
Dear Texas School Teacher,
You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your new tectsbooks as approved by us here at the Texas State School Board Comitee.
Well, here they ar. Tell us if you don’t like the emprovments and end-of-chaptor questions [...]

How Texas Ranks

By Lynn Ashby                                                   26 March 2010
How good, bad or indifferent are we here in Texas compared to, say, Chad? No, make that compared to Louisiana or California or Chad. Every now and then you and I discuss these comparisons on health, education, halfbacks, etc. It’s a good apples-to-apples measuring standard. But [...]

Happy Texans

Are you happy? How happy? Happier than, say, the residents in New York or California? Worry no more about how much you worry, because I’ve got good news and some bad news. Texans rank 16th among the 50 states in the happiness quotient. You’ll never guess who ranks first. Our cousins to the east, the [...]

Texas Quotes

When spy novelist Alan Furst was asked why he sold his papers to The University of Texas-Austin, he explained: “It’s like why do you subscribe to The New Yorker? It’s the best.”
“It was the worst time in my broadcasting career, and I wish people would stop bringing it up. It’s the most embarrassing thing I [...]

Greetings from Beijing

Mr. Lynn Ashby
H Texas
Dear Lynn,
Greetings from Beijing.
Where plans to expand solar power in the United States look a lot different from
my seat in a cafe near Tiananmen Square than from my office in Northern California
– where I am the CEO of one of America’s larger solar power companies.
Many of the measures — and half measures [...]

The Neighbor’s Porch

By Lynn Ashby
Just slip this little envelope into the mail slot and leave. They’ll never know who did it. When they cash the check they’ll…oops. Come to think of it, I paid by check rather than cash. That blows my cover.
This is my predicament and probably yours, too. The other day in my mailbox was [...]

2009 In Review

What a year it was for Houston. What fantastic events, what great people and wonderful victories. I am referring, obviously, to 1836. As for 2009, it ranks right down there with 1348, which gave Europe the black plague. Still, we must look back with joy — joy that 2009 is over. Remember the swine flu, [...]

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