Houston – Gateway to Deer Park?
To: The Houston City Council
From: The Mayor’s Select Blue Ribbon Committee on Other Blue Ribbon Committees
Subject: Houston’s image
As per your instructions, the committee met to consider the scandalous lies, fabrications, innuendoes and catty talk about our fair city and how these falsehoods are being combated by other committees established by the mayor.
The Blue Ribbon Committee on Dirty Air met at a location convenient for all its members, the Lung Damage Control Center at M.D. Anderson. By a unanimous vote, it was agreed that Houston’s air is as clean as the air in many other cities such as Juarez and Seoul. Still, in order to protect our economy, the committee felt some industries should be grandfathered out of any pollution control measures, particularly those facilities built prior to last October.
The 2 p.m. meeting of the Blue Ribbon Committee on Transportation met promptly at 4:30 p.m. Something about gridlock. As you will recall, this committee, designed to jump-start mass transit, was made up of experts on transportation, such as officials from the major freeway engineering and construction firms. Plans were approved for a 24-lane Katy Freeway over objections that it should be 24 lanes each way. It was noted that such a construction project would not have been needed if only there had been a train track parallel to the freeway. The suggestion that Houston needed light rail was greeted with hearty laughter and a toast to Bob Lanier.
The Azure Band Committee on Image met in the most delightful little café among the many waterfalls and statuesque redwoods our city has to offer. They had a wonderful gathering that included fine wines, delicious dining and gold coins falling from the sky. A motion was made and the measure adopted declaring Houston’s image of a city filled with litter strictly the fault of the liberal media. As one member put it, “I got so mad I threw my newspaper out the car window.”
The Blue Ribbon Committee on Crime was called off after it was noted that all the furniture in the meeting room, along with the chandelier, VCR and much of the flooring was missing. The Blue Ribbon Committee on Why We Look Ridiculous was abruptly adjourned when Tom DeLay called in with a case of terminal egomania and the head of the Champions Homeowners Association foreclosed on
himself. The Blue Ribbon Committee on City Revenues announced that unless taxes were doubled, it would be forced to go out of business. It also asked for a bigger budget, larger offices, an increased staff and expenses to cover the office Christmas party, which shall run from Dec. 4 to Jan. 21. Members felt such a happy gathering would further Houston’s image as “The Gateway to Deer Park.”
The Blue Ribbon Committee on Slogans received results of a poll on the previous slogan: “Houston – Expect the Unexpected.” The survey was conducted among the 56 people who actually had heard the term. “Expect the Unexpected” finished behind “Elect the Unindicted” and “Houston – the Big Onion” but slightly ahead of “Houston – Better than Bombay.” In a 7-6 vote, the committee rejected “We’ve Got Water You Can Walk On.” Also turned down was “Please Love Us.”
After a portentous, yet not pretentious meeting, the Blue Bunting Committee created a commodious ambience to discuss the Mayor’s taxpayer-paid speech lessons. Trying to be judicious but eschewing the imperious propension for sanguineness, the committee hoped to exhibit a concupiscence and appetency toward the goal. Or as we kept telling the mayor, it’s locution, locution, locution.
We have no report from the Blue Ribbon Committee on the Mayor’s Travel Image due to lack of a quorum as most of the members were at the annual Image Convention in Las Vegas. The mayor promises to read the report when both he and the report are in town at the same time. In this regard, the mayor did feel the city’s image could get a real boost if Councilmembers Bell and Sanchez represent Houston at the Katmandu Yak Festival & Avalanche Ride.
Finally, a motion was made that Houston’s problems were our own fault. It died for lack of a second. ih