OPERA IN THREE AXE

March 5, 2012 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

Our opera, “Entrare d’Pagliaccio” (“Send in the Clowns”), opens in the small Italian village of Constanto d’Beta where the rivals to become Il Duce square off for their daily arguments. The moderator, Fatso Rushbo, begins with the poignant lament, “Doofuss GOPO Canadito” that asks the musical question, “D’besti politico inna da parti? Dios Damanti!” which roughly translates as, “These are our best candidates for leader? Gee whiz!”

One office-seeker, Count Mitti Romo, sings his aria, “Mafioso Getta No Respecta” (“Corporations are people, too.”) which usually receives a standing ovation from the private boxes while those in the cheap seats throw fish heads at Romo. The moderator turns to another candidate, Dr. Ronaldo Paullini, who is considered a dark horse (listed in the program as “equine hopelessa”). Paullini takes a careful look at Romo and sings the hilarious “Medico Moribundo.” (“As a doctor, I pronounce your campaign DOA.”) Romo, of course, takes offense and replies with the well-known, if not vicious, “Fido inna d’Calaboosi.” (“I’ll put you in my car’s rooftop cage.”)

As the two adversaries almost come to blows, arriving in a hale of tossed rice and wedding bouquets is the white-haired southerner, Nintendo Blanco. Known as a fearless debater, if not a serial adulterer, Blanco takes center stage to offer the other candidates some advice in “Mama Media” which contains these lines, loosely translated:

“When your campaign’s a rotten mess/when money’s gone/you’re all alone/you can’t go wrong/just blame the press.”

Fatso Rushbo asks Blanco why he is not spending more money on his campaign, to which Blanco wails the unforgettable “Alimoni Non Pre-nupto.” Blanco then turns on Romo and sings, “Why did you say I’m a heretic and should be burned at the stake?” Romo replies with the arrogant, “Inferno Fantastico.” (“I like to fire people.”) Romo adds, “Sposo Macchina. (“You’ve had more wives than my wife has Cadillacs.”) As the curtain goes down on Act I, Paullini and Blanco sing the daunting duet, “Ennui Tutti-frutti,” that contains the memorable line, “Dominos wid d’pepperoni via Lamborghini.” (“Deliverers smile arrogantly as they make their rounds in an expensive sports car. It’s the Preening Tour of Pizza.”) At this point even those in the private boxes are throwing fish heads at the stage.

ACT II — The second act opens with the entrance of yet another job-seeker, Don Santore. With his beautiful tenor voice, he stands flatfooted, arms folded across his chest, and defiantly sings, “Non Scuola, Non Governo, Non controle d’bambinos!!” He segues into his beautiful “Medieval Melodi,” which ends with, “A woman’s place is in the convent.” Santore goes on to tell everyone that he will be chosen the new Il Duce because he is against all public endeavors, especially streets, parks, schools and fire departments, causing Romo to ask, “Don’t you like to fire people?” (“Zippo De Do Da?”)

There is a sound at the door and all turn to see the entrance of Ricardo Perri from the Solo Estella Stato. He bursts into song with, “Recuerdo Ooopso.” (“I remembered! It’s the Department of….of….of…”) Perri wanders off stage sadly shaking his head. Fatso Rushbo turns to the others and asks, “Eh?” (“Did that guy really get elected governor of Solo Estella Stato?”)

This is when Nintendo Blanco sings the defiant aria, “Non Influenza Per Banconote.” (“I Am Not a Lobbyist.”) His denial brings a chorus of laughter from the others who reply with the saucy, “Quack, Quack, Quack” (“If you look like a lobbyist, walk like a lobbyist and talk like a lobbyist, you’re probably a lobbyist.”) Romo adds an additional insult: “Betcha Buncha Moneta?” (“You want to bet 10,000 lira on that?”)

Blanco steps forward to sing, “How often do we have to hear ‘the Gingrich who stole Christmas?’ It’s been beaten to death.” Fatso Rushbo replies, “As often as we have to hear more dumb jokes about Eye of Newt.” (“Stupido Ad Nauseum”) When Dr. Paullini chides Romo for making so much money in a questionable manner, (“Una Percenta Dilemma”). Count Romo fires back with the delightful jig, “Danza d’Forma 1040” (also called “When IRS Eyes Are Smiling”) that contains the raunchy: “The Bain of my existence/ maintains my bare subsistence/loopholes keep me rich for sure/so I don’t fret about the poor.” The curtain falls as Blanco wails his famous, if repetitious, “Paparazzi d’scumbaggio.” (“The media are all lying commies except for Fox, which is fair for the unbalanced.”)

ACT III — The final act opens in the cloistered offices of the evil Don Wiggi Trumppo, king-maker, power broker and egomaniac. He is in sad spirits, singing the mournful, “Lamenta Bozo,” which goes, in part: “Bachman was the best man/Cain looked good as well/Chris won’t run/and Ron’s no fun/Newt’s poisoning the well.” Enter Don Romo who kneels and begs, “O, endorsi, presto chango.” He says the Don’s support would flip the race and put Romo in the lead. Trumppo replies with the hilarious, “Pinka Slippa.” (“You’re fired!”) And so it goes as one after another of the candidates comes begging for Trumppo’s support. After the last candidate leaves, the Don sings the sly, “Uno buono secondo Il Duce.” (“Maybe one of them could be my vice president.”)

In comes the current Il Duce, Baracci O’Bama, singing the naughty, “Status Quo Perfecto.” (“This is no time for change.”) Don Trumppo scoffs with, “You’re full of promises and flowery speeches.” (“Bovine Poopinni”) O’Bama replies with the acidic, “Bigatti Contrario Negro” (“You bigot. Because I’m a black Irish-Italian Catholic Muslim you’re playing the race card.”) Don Trumppo argues that the economy is terrible, gas is 400 lira a liter, occupi Wall Strada is in its eighth month and, finally, “Unemploi essa d’pits.” O’Bama responds with his enchanting “Scaldare Globale.” (“It’s because of global warming.”) As the curtain drops, angry voters storm the stage singing the rousing March of the Tea Party: “Ditzo Eskimo.” (“Bring Back Sarah Palin.”)

 

Ashby sings at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

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