By Lynn Ashby 13 December 2010
Yes, it’s time again for my Christmas bucket list, but first we need to clear up some back business. Last Christmas couldn’t you dig up one measly winning Lotto ticket for me? And why do I have to be the last among my friends to get a nose job? I’ll give you one more chance to come through before I apply for TARP funds.
Sorry you got stuck in the chimney last Christmas. Guess I should have mentioned in my letter that’s where I hide my meth lab. But I did put out milk and cookies for you. OK, this year I’ll follow the surly note you pinned to my stocking and leave a fifth of Hennessy and some liver pate. I’m not accusing anyone, but during the summer did you sneak into my attic and tangle up all my Christmas tree lights?
Word is the elves are opposed to any give-backs on the contract. They’ll pull that old minority/handicapped ploy, but elves don’t qualify. Oh, while I’m thinking about it, be sure to tell Dancer and Prancer that don’t-ask, don’t-tell might be abolished. How’s your North Pole digs holding up? I hear global warming is melting your igloo.
As for me, I have been a good boy this past year. Oh, sure, there was the time I told the Delta agent, “Just a one-way ticket. No luggage, except this prayer rug and printer cartridge.” Then I asked the airport security guard, “Want to touch my junk?” And, yes, I did ask the flight attendant, “Honey, what’s a no-fly list?” In other developments, the bank foreclosed on my eight-bedroom McMansion that I couldn’t afford on my valet parker’s salary. That is why I’m hanging my stocking on a park bench.
Now, about my consulting work in 2010: Those rumors about my game plan for the Dallas Cowboys are untrue, although I did encourage the Houston Rockets by telling them, “You know your place.” Sorry it turned out to be last place. My work as an election consultant to the Democratic Party was just bad timing. I can explain the financial and legal advice I gave to Tom DeLay. Frankly, I should have never signed on as career adviser to Conan O’Brien, and there is no point in discussing my continued work teaching night driving to Tiger Woods.
Now let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: my wish list. I considered asking for Neiman’s his-and-her states, but where would I put them? Little black electronic boxes are all the rage, but I’m stuck with this outmoded Nintendo Wii. That’s like disco, Fat Man. Still doing the Macarena in bellbottoms? Does your sleigh have a GPS or are you using a sextant? I need a Microsoft Kineck, like yesterday.
While you’re at it, an Xbox 360, maybe toss in “Call of Duty: Black Ops,” but don’t try and palm off any Move system from Sony. That came out in October. You want me to be ridiculed by my friends? I don’t run a museum. Same with iPad and Kindle. They are so last Thursday. My iPhones are gathering dust and my Facebook has been shredded by Mark Zuckerberg for being “so ancient it needs to be carbon dated.” Tweeting and texting and sexting are leftovers from the X Generation. I might as well use semaphores. Get with it, Mister Cutting Edge.
Rumor has it Apple is coming out with the A-88 which has 340 apps including camera, phone, compass, Xerox and radio/TV. For an extra $400 the A-88 will floss your teeth and find the nearest store selling the new and improved A-89 which makes the previous model obsolete.
Once you’ve scratched my itch, let’s move on to others. For those who go racing through a 20-mile-an-hour school zone, give them four flat tires and tangle the fuzzy dice hanging from their rearview mirror. Could you make cell phones that ring in the middle of a movie self-destruct, along with their owner?
Give Gov. Rick Perry another $18 billion. Two years ago the Guv claimed he balanced the state budget without raising taxes, and wouldn’t take federal stimulus money. Then he balanced the budget by accepting $18 billion in federal stimulus money, but still recited his mantra. He was re-elected by double digits. You really can fool all the people all the time. While you are in Austin, UT could use a decent football team. Could you give me the TCU Horned Frogs and I’ll rent them to Mack Brown?
Moving on to Washington, send Congressmen a clue. Right now they are clueless. About that tax cut for the top 2 percent of Americans with income of $250,000 or more. Just put me in that top category. I want to be rich enough to reduce my income taxes, and with that extra money I’ll hire a second chauffeur. Please give President Obama a spine, John Boehner a sense of humor and Charlie Rangel the boot.
This past year the Tea Party has certainly livened things up. Give them what they demand: lower taxes, a smaller budget and less government. But don’t touch their Medicare or Social Security checks. Those are different, sorta. For Christmas, give our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan a ticket home, present al-Quida with Wile E. Coyote’s special Acme Dynamite Kit and give Hamid Karzai a weekend vacation in Juarez.
It’s bonus time on Wall Street for all the people that nearly wrecked our economy and plunged the nation into a jobless recession. Please give those hedge fund managers, slippery bankers and lying stock brokers a nice, high building ledge to jump from.
Finally, my friend Noodles says there is no Santa Claus, but I tend to doubt his intelligence. He’s the same guy who picked Poland over Germany. Noodles thought WikiLeaks was Hawaiian for “Depends.” I’ll know there really is a Santa when I come into the den on Christmas morning and there is the TCU football team.
Ashby’s stocking hangs at firstname.lastname@example.org