Campers, the new year is upon us, and what promises 2014 holds for us all. To get a head start on our upcoming next 365 days, or is it 366? — Leap Years mess me up as much as Daylight Saving Time. Anyway, I now shall predict what will and won’t happen to us in the next 12 months (or is it 13?) Clip this and save.
JANUARY –– 49 bowl games lead to couch failure, alcoholism among unemployed kidney donors and terminal ennui. Congress meets to hear President Obama’s State of the Union speech and immediately adjourns until the Easter recess. Gov. Rick Perry travels to Madrid, Paris and Hong Kong on his “farewell tour.” With so many DPS troopers working as his traveling security detail, the unprotected Governor’s Mansion is again hit by an arsonist. As scheduled by NBC, Jimmy Fallon replaces Jay Leno despite Leno’s constant spot as number one in ratings.
FEBRUARY — UT-Austin names its former president, William Powers, as the next football coach. Rachel Maddow sends Bill O’Reilly a box of valentine candy. O’Reilly’s food taster is rushed to the ER. At the Winter Olympics, the CIA team wins an old event with a new twist: snowboarding. In an emergency session, the Texas Legislature names fracking the official state savior and redistricts Austin to Oklahoma.
MARCH — NSA warns members of Congress not to put limits on the agency, explaining: “Want to see our files under C?” A new cable network is formed and will open for business sometime between May and August. The Texas Congressional delegation is expelled by the rest of the members for voting to repeal the law of gravity. The Supreme Court of Texas reverses its decision and declares that all beaches in the state are open to the public, but only at high tide during shark season. As Jimmy Fallon’s ratings drop, NBC fires Fallon and brings back Jay Leno.
APRIL — Enrollees for Obamacare reach two dozen. “We’re right on track,” a White House spokesman brags. Sen. Ted Cruz demands to be admitted as the 51st state “or at least as a Canadian province.” Campaigning for the GOP nomination for governor, Greg Abbott vows to be “the best governor of Texas since Sam Houston.” When it is pointed out that Houston was thrown out of office for opposing secession, Abbott calls it “liberal propaganda.”
MAY — Local 10 o’clock TV news goes one night without showing yellow police tape. Staff is fired. Sears and Neimans are arrested in the disappearance of their business partners Roebuck and Marcus. Obamacare enrolls its100th participant, who promptly dies. The White House blames the Bush administration.
JUNE — Harris County Commissioners Court promises to make a final decision on the Astrodome “any millennium now.” Although Jay Leno’s ratings continue to rise, NBC fires Leno and brings back Conan O’Brien. Sarah Palin admits she can’t see Russia from her front porch, but adds excitedly: “I can see my next door neighbor!” The Obamacare computers get a virus which are not covered by any policy.
JULY — Hurricane Horace Timblebrook-Hastings III (NOAA had run out of other names) hits Louisiana destroying houses, towns and crops, and inflicting $2.50 worth of damages. Two million Cajuns flee to Texas. The Fourth of July falls on July 4th. In an effort to boost sagging attendance, the Houston Astros adopt a catchy new slogan: “Remember, at an Astros game you are never more than half an inning away from major league baseball.”
AUGUST — Hillary Clinton denies any interest in running for President. The announcement is made by her Presidential campaign spokesman. Texas Democrats meet to nominate their gubernatorial candidate. The vote is 34 to 5. Campaigning for governor, Wendy Davis vows to be “the best governor of Texas since Sam Houston.” When it is pointed out that Houston was thrown out of office for opposing secession, Davis calls it “right-wing propaganda.”
SEPTEMBER — The Texas State Board of Education formally adopts the wheel.
Syrians overthrow their dictator, copy the U.S. Constitution as their own and make lasting peace with Israel, crediting the Obama administration. Fox News calls it “nothing new.” GOP gubernatorial candidate Greg Abbott shows up to debate Sen. Wendy Davis wearing pink tennis shoes. Not Davis, Abbott. The Longhorn Network logo is put on the sides of milk cartons. Teenaged hackers from Singapore break into the Obamacare computers and fix everything.
OCTOBER — Noting its equipment needs electricity and running water, FEMA announces it will arrive in Louisiana “when everything is working.” Houston and Dallas install video cameras at major intersections to spot motorists who stop at red lights. The Supreme Court of Texas reverses its reversal and declares that all beaches in the state are open to the public, but due to global warming, high tide is now at Port Waco. The Washington Redskins change their name because “it is demeaning and embarrassing to much of the nation.” Hereafter they are called the Chevy Chase Redskins.
NOVEMBER — Two million Cajuns refuse to leave Texas and return to Louisiana, reducing Texas’ average IQ but greatly improving its gastronomy. Texas Longhorns go 0-13. As Conan O’Brien’s ratings continue to drop, NBC fires O’Brien and brings back Johnny Carson. In a write-in campaign, Sam Houston is elected governor of Texas. In what is termed “the ultimate putdown,” the Dallas Cowboys play the Houston Texans at noon on Sunday, then play the Chicago Bears that night.
DECEMBER — In an effort to pay for its empty football stadium, UT is renamed Texas A&M University at Austin. U.S. Supreme Court rules Bethlehem, Penn. can keep its name “as long as it doesn’t involve religion.” Carefully cultivating his legacy, President Obama renames the Affordable Care Act, calling it Bidencare.
So there you have it, campers. Now let’s hide till next New Year’s.
Ashby says the sooth at ashby2@comcast.net
