Dear Student,
As you no, the State Board of Education has replaced the TASK tests with the TAKS which replaced the TAAS, TEKS and also the TACKY. A motion to approve the TYTOD (Take Your Teacher On a Date) died for lack of a second. But there’s more! Texas has now refused to adopt new nationally developed standards for teeching science. They are officially called the Next Generation Science Standards which were written by the National Research Council, the National Science Teachers Association and the American Association for the Advancement of Science – like they no ennything about teeching science.
Those standards have been rejected by lots of other states. OK, in truth they have been adopted by 45 states, with possibly more to come. But if Joey jumped off a bridge would you jump, too? Worry not, as Barbara Cargill, the Republican chairwoman of Texas’ State Board of Education, or SBOE, said, there is a “zero percent chance” of the standards being adopted, which makes it almost nothing. So as a substitute for whatever liberal-Godless teaching program those pointy-headed akademix thought up, here is Texas’ own Sience (or is it Sciense?) Test. Take your tim and feel free to ask your teecher for help – or for a date.
Circle the korrect answer: The earth is: flat, round, sort of egg-shaped, in danger of being overrun by Muslims. Volcanoes are: God’s boils, mountains built by unionized government workers, a contraction for “voluntary canoes.” Thomas Edison: invented electricity, bankrupt candle makers, founded the Church of Scientology, was a Muslim candle maker. The wheel is: a danger to our vital bodily fluids, not yet proven, useful for making a good rack for heretics, endorsed by the Obama administration (need we say more?). Global warming is a hot topic (a little SBOE humor there). It is: a new iPad game, being pushed by the polar bear lobby, a cottage industry for commie college professors who make a living by scaring the bejesus out of everyone else, all of the above.
Much has been said about the controversy over Texas text books approved by the SBOE, although we feel a great conciliation was made by the more conservative members in allowing the use of moveable type. To test your knowledge of science, choose the korrect selection to be Texas’ new science textbook: “Air Pollution – Fact or Fiction?” “Science From A to E-Coli,” “The Thesaurus and Other Dinosaurs,” “A Fresh Look at Toxic Dumps.”
True or false? Lenin’s Tomb is a communist plot. “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea” explores the proliferation of scuba team competition. A lot of tax money could be saved if Texas students was home schooled. Praying in class to the God of your choice is the Christian way to heaven. High school football is to be maintained even if science classes are eliminated. The Nobel Prize for Science was awarded to Jules Verne. People who recycle are mostly druggies like seven-time winner Lance Armstrong.
Name one endangered species worth saving. (Extra credit if you can’t name any.) Is the EPA really necessary? Should the law of gravity be repealed by the next Texas Legislature? Does your teacher believe in evolution? If so, name your teacher. When was the War of 1812? Complete this sentence: Planned Parenthood is an un-American, leftist organization which should be: (use back of test form if necessary)
Some theorize that science is close to medicine and have even given it a term: medical science, although science fiction is closer to the truth. Following this tree-hugging policy, in an annual report card just released, the federal government has rated Texas very last in its delivery of health care services – 51st — behind every state and the District of Columbia. Gov. Rick Perry discounted the ranking as “fake and false.” Under heated grilling by Fox News, he also voiced suspicions about “our Kenyan President” and called the earth going around the sun “an unproven theory, like germs.”
Gov. Perry followed up this last-place report by announcing that Texas would not participate in expanding Medicaid in Texas under the federal health-care reform law, this in a state where a quarter of the people are uninsured, another dead last. This leads us to our next question: Gov. Rick Perry is: a great governor or our greatest governor?
In the most recent meeting of the SBOE, members learned of the governor’s action when a messenger raced in, yelling to the secretary who was keeping the minutes, “Stop the chisel!” In appreciation for Perry’s actions in progressive education, the board had polled the state before voting to name a school after him: the Gov. Rick Perry School for Xcellance an Stuf. One member read from a student’s essay on the plan: “He sure has did a good job here.” Another wrote: “Governur Parry rox!”
In other action, the board considered whether fire is a passing fad and if vaccinations were, as one member put it, “the devil’s secret for stealing our children’s soul at the pinochle of their lives.” Next the members discussed whether they should be elected, appointed or chosen by lot. The latter idea was dropped when one member noted Lot had a somewhat lurid private life and his wife was a pillar of salt. It was agreed that if sex education is limited to female students who are already pregnant, why bother? The boarda also agreed to distribute bumper stickers for student-athletes: “Labs and Abs – no place but Texas”.
Finally, the SBOE returned to discussing whether Texas should adopt the Next Generation Science Standards if only to compare our state’s students’ grades and comprehension in science with those of the other 45 states. Considering Texas’ ranking in most other categories, the plan was rejected unanimously, which meens almost all. Barbara Cargill, the Republican chairwoman, spoke for the entire board when she told reporters, “We write our own standards here in Texas.” How troo, especially for sience (or is it sciense?).
Ashby is scientific at ashby2@comcast.net
