By Lynn Ashby 26 Sept. 2016
THE TUBE – “All new! Fantastic drama! Laff riot!” The TV networks are telling me all the wonderful new shows coming this fall to replace last year’s wonderful new shows that lasted two weeks. Here are some programs to avoid, and, no. the local news shows are not re-runs, they just seem repetitive.
Channel 1 News – Every show begins with: “Breaking News, but first an even more breaking story!” Texas Board of Education prohibits Christmas carols after discovering choir books containg, ‘Don we now our gay apparel.”
What Ailes Us – Gripping drama set in the Fox Newsroom as the Boss chases anchorwomen around his desk while panting: “I can make you or break you, Honey Lips!”
PBS Nightly News – Show presents Cannibal Comedians – fact or fiction? Notes from a Peruvian pottery-maker’s funeral and: Why don’t we have more viewers?
21 Trump Street — The Donald demands to be admitted as the 51st state.
PBS Business News — Tote Bags are the new Gucci.
Comedy Central – Live broadcast of House Committee’s 47th investigation of Benghazi.
Family Feud – Jeb Bush explains why his parents asked him to change his last name.
60 Minutes — An inside look at a club sandwich, Scott Pelley interviews the widow of the Unknown Soldier, and: North Dakota – do we need it?
Nothin’ But News – Five shootings, two house fires and a high-speed police chase. Sen. Ted Cruz announces his presidential campaign for all campaigns in all nation, “Especially my homeland, Canada.”
CNN – Interview with someone who thinks coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines plane should be limited to just 23 hours a day. Russian President Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking U.S. citizenship so he can vote for Donald Trump
Hollywood Time – “Roots” Kunta Kinte changes his name to Barack Obama and moves to Chicago.
Network News — Clinton campaign patents “Make America Hate Again,” global warming deniers hold their convention in Port Waco. Putin and Trump announce they are opening an antique and interior decorating shop in Montrose.
Let’s Make a Deal – Hillary Clinton denies that, if elected, she’ll rent out the West Wing to the Saudi royal family.
10 Most Wanted – Astros look for a new bullpen.
Orange Is the New Black – Convicted Texas Atty. Gen. Ken Paxton is assigned a prison number, but still gets to put an R by it.
Channel 3000 News — Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick receives 2016 Texas Demagogue Award, and retires the trophy. Hackers get into Sarah Palin’s computer and find she used Windex on her Windows 10.
MSNBC – Mad Money’s Jim Cramer: How to Make a Fortune. Tonight’s guests, two drug lords, crew of a pirate ship and executives of the Clinton Foundation.
Movie: “Things That Go Trump in the Night” – The Donald explains that, building a wall along the border, will create thousands of jobs for Mexicans. (English subtitles)
Texas Tonight — Gov. Greg Abbott calls out the Texas State Guard “to defend our state from a foreign military invasion” after discovering Old Navy is opening an outlet in Marfa.
The Rachel Maddow Show – Liberal talk show host has a special about Fox News’ sexual harassment lawsuits entitled: “Hahahaha!”
America’s Got Talent – Unfortunately, not here.
The West Wing – Is rented out to the Saudi royal family.
Dancing With the Lone Stars – Rick Perry dances the Oops with two left feet
Vladimir Putin learns the Czech Republic has changed its name to Czechia, mistakes it for the breakaway province of Chechnya, and bombs the bejesus out of Prague. Trump calls it “an honest mistake — those African countries all sound the same.”
Beat the Press – Americans show their fury in news they don’t want to know.
Fast and Furious – Detective Fast and Sgt. Furious discover that Black Lives Matter is not a new element in the periodic table.
Film Night – “Back to the Future IV” Marty and Doc go back to 1900 to update Texas school books.
Dancing With the Czars – Vlad and Donald finish last and are exiled to Siberia.
Eight Is Enough – Rollicking comedy about an SUV driving north from Matamoros.
Plato Socrates, Frontier Philosopher – In this episode Doc Plato explains to Gen. George Custer why only the Washington Redskins are allowed to scalp tickets.
Movie – “Tapes of Wrath: The Hillary Clinton Story”
Presidential Debate — Cancelled for lack of interest
Ashby is remote at firstname.lastname@example.org