To: Gov. Rick Perry
From: Snoop & Peek, PI
Subject: Presidential campaign
Governor, as your confidential consultants and private investigators, we have drawn up several suggestions, warnings plus information on possible opponents to ensure your election as President. First, a brief look backwards, painful though it may be, at your previous attempt to occupy the Oval Office. You were the darling of the right, then the far right, then you moved to the right of Ted Cruz which put you to left of out. Most pundits say that your fall from lead dog to darker than a dark horse was due to your infamous “Oops” moment, but our research shows that other Americans simply don’t like Texans as President. Why? Blame your problems on George W. Bush. It works for Obama.
Your traveling around the nation and, indeed, around the world, is costing the taxpayers of Texas literally millions which could be squandered on silly things like, say, classroom teachers or mental health. If an opponent brings up this expense, reply: “My missions are top secret, and I cannot discuss them, especially my role in Zero Dark Thirty.” Then add with a wink and a grin: “Oh, me and my big mouth.”
How to handle the press: The last time you ran for governor you pulled a first by refusing to meet with newspaper editorial boards, fearing they knew a lot about state government and could ask embarrassing questions. You won in a landslide. With that in mind, and looking back at the Republicans’ disastrous 2012 presidential primary campaigns, next time the party should do away with all televised primary debates. You, more than any American politician, can appreciate that move. If voters complain about not getting to know the candidates’ positions by viewing them in debates, trot out that old chestnut: “You can’t trust the press.” Republicans love that line. There is an exception: Fox News. Before an interview with Fox, send them the questions you want asked, and then edit out any goofs before the show airs. When it comes to goofs, your comments about the Tea Party members being students at UT shows your Aggie allegiance, but Tea Sippers and Tea Party members are not quite the same. Still, we cannot overlook the importance of the Tea Party’s influence on the GOP, so make sure they don’t fall off the edge of the earth.
Continue to call global warming “a liberal-commie hoax,” except in Wichita Falls where they are so hot and dry they are recycling sewer water to drink. Blame the drought on Obamacare, speaking of hoaxes. Our surveys show Obamacare is very unpopular with most Americans until they get sick. Keep calling such programs “government interference in our private lives,” or, as a constituent told Rep. Robert Inglis (R-SC) at a town hall meeting: “Keep your government hands off my Medicare.” Continue criticizing other federal operations such as these four: the IRS and NPR. Demand that the NSA stop eavesdropping on our phone calls. It’s government interference. If elected you will stop the EPA and OSHA from regulating how we live. On the other hand, keep up the fight for more government regulation of those most personal and intimate parts of people’s lives: abortions and gay rights. If anyone points out that this is blatant hypocrisy, call out your DPS bodyguards.
As for our oppositional research, thus far we have not been able to absolutely prove that Hillary was in the mob that stormed our diplomatic outpost in Benghazi, but sources say a smoking gun points to her knowing about the attack beforehand and did nothing. Same with Monica Lewinsky, Pearl Harbor and 9/11. Experts in our top secret ode-cay oom-ray have discovered information which indicates Obama can’t run again, but we’re preparing dirt on Sasha and Malia.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. First, we have to deal with your fellow Republican wannabes. We have hints that Rick Santorum’s real name was Sick Sanitarium, but changed it to run for office, just like Dan Patrick. Marco Rubio arrived here from Cuba as a first baseman for the Mets. Ted Cruz was born in Canada and held dual citizenship until he ran for the Senate, although the birthers say Cruz’s real name is Marco Rubio who’s from Laredo. We have the documents. Anyone from Arkansas named Huckabee should change his name. We’ve really got the goods on Mitt Romney. Reports say he lost and lost badly.
We have come up with a few campaign slogans: “Tricky Ricky.” “Honk if you love a second chance.” This next is a tough one considering our Bush problem: “We Need Another Texan in the White House.” Maybe: “Ask Me About Benghazi.” After several focus groups, polls and interviews, we want to go with: “Rick Perry for President.”
A few do’s and don’t’s: Considering what happened to your housing in Austin while you and your wife were on state business in Europe, do not mention “White House” and “fire” in the same sentence. Don’t mention your $40 million gift of taxpayers’ money to Toyota to move its U.S. headquarters to Texas, since Toyota, one of the world’s largest companies with a record $23 billion profit last fiscal year, said it would have moved here anyway. But kept the money. Do not mention the former name of a hunting camp leased by your father. Focus groups like your new glasses. They say it helps you focus. Your supporters are not “one percenters.” They are “job creators.” Hopefully they will create a job for you. As for the do’s, do compliment Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers constantly. In speeches and interviews, mention Benghazi at least once in every other sentence. Finally, at all costs avoid saying, “Oops.” Invoice to follow
Ashby advises at firstname.lastname@example.org