THE OFFICE – “Hello, Mister Uhgr Zzzwrrj. I’m Officer Johnson. Welcome to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE as we’re called in English. We’re called other titles in other languages, some of which I can’t repeat. You have applied for a DREAM exemption so you can stay in America legally rather than be tossed back to that mud hut in Tajikistan to live on feral hogs in the forest. There are several strict criteria that you must meet in order to circumvent the law and bypass all those honest people in other lands who patiently stand in the snow outside our consulates with their tattered documents trying to get here legally.”
“Is good be here to. Moonrog.”
“First and foremost, this new policy applies only to young people who were brought to the U.S. ‘through no fault of their own,’ as everyone keeps saying. If you came over by yourself, it’s your fault, and out you go. You need to have arrived here before you turned 16 and have resided in the country for at least five continuous years before your application. I see your arrival date was Tuesday. I assume you meant on a Tuesday. Very efficient.” Uhgr Zzzwrrj nods in agreement.
“To qualify, you can be no older than 30.You look like you’re closer to 45, but I see the notation here that Tajikistanians age early and start growing beards as soon as 12. The boys somewhat earlier. We would like to check your birth certificate with our embassy in Tajikistan, but unfortunately it has been under siege for the past five months by the Modern Goth Party, or MGP, and we have lost all communications. In addition, your Bureau of Records was torched by the MGP when it lynched your president. So we’ll consider this is a true, if unverified, answer.”
The ICE man turns the page. “You must not take away jobs from Americans, which, with unemployment hovering just under 10 percent generally and around 50 percent for young minorities, seems an overly harsh restriction. You can only take positions that other young Americans won’t take, like staying off drugs, not getting pregnant and remaining free of tattoos. You can qualify for weaseling out of our normal deportations if you have served in the military. I see on your application form that you did, indeed, serve in the military: the Tajikistan Camp Guard’s 456th Rendition and Water Boarding Battalion. That particular outfit doesn’t seem to be on our list of suitable armed service units, but I’ll look into it. Another qualification is that you must be fluent in English. Are you?”
“Da.”
“Close enough for government work, except in Arizona. Incidentally, DREAM is an acronym for Development, Relief, and Education for Alien Minors. Fox News says it is actually the Devious Response for the Election of A Muslim. Now I’m supposed to read you the reason for this abrupt change in U.S. immigration policy. ‘After years of increasing the number of border guards, building fences, calling out the National Guard and Marine Reserves, a tripling of the Border Patrol budget, plus the use of search towers, helicopters and now drones, it has come to the attention of the Administration that allowing you to leapfrog over all other illegal immigrants is, in the President’s words, the right thing to do. It allows families to stay together, keeps our bright young visitors here to contribute to our society and, most importantly, it’s an election year.’ Any questions?”
“Vat ist dis comprehensive immigration reform I hear all time? Moonrog?”
“No one has a clue what ‘comprehensive immigration reform’ means, but it sounds good, so politicians pandering to immigrants use the term all the time. Anyway, we come to the educational qualifications. You must stay in school or have a GED. If you are an illegal alien – excuse me, we’re not supposed to use that term – if you are an undocumented immigrant, citizenshiply challenged or a person of non-papered persuasion but have been in Texas at least 48 hours, Governor Perry says you qualify for in-state tuition. At last count there were 16,476 such students – 614 at UT-Austin. Texas awarded about $33.6 million in state and institutional financial aid to them between fall 2004 and summer 2008.”
“I in the West Pampa Arc Welding Academy & Taxidermy Shop. Take courses on-line and on time every other Wednesday in every other March. Incidentally, how you spell GED?”
“Any way you wish. We can’t engage in racial profiling. Now, if you qualify you will be one of 1.4 million persons who can ‘come in out of the shadows,’ as the panderers like to say. Of those, 170,000 are in Texas. Together, you would make up the population of Brownsville and sometimes I think you do. Moving on, you must not have any major crimes on your record. I see here on your form that you have been charged with burglary, arson, kidnapping, high treason and conspiracy to lurk. How could you be guilty of high treason when you aren’t even an American citizen? Let’s just put down ‘usually innocent.’ That’ll work.”
Officer Johnson continues: “We can’t let you stay if you pose any threat to national security. In this regard, you list your sponsor as someone named Al Kayda and his occupation as ‘serial suicide bomber.’ That’s obviously a joke. Under Questions and Comments you ask if you would qualify as an anchor baby. Of course not, but anchor cousin is possible for your 13 relatives packed and waiting in Toronto. Finally, the President’s change of heart, not to mention the changing polls, means if you receive deferred action for a period of two years, that period will be subject to renewal for either another two years or until the next election. But don’t worry. If Romney wins next fall, you’ll be back hunting feral hogs.”
“Moonrog.”
“You keep saying that. What does it mean in English?”
“Amnesty.”
Ashby is illegal at ashby2@comcast.net
