THE GROCERY STORE – Every year about this time these trashy magazines we see in racks by the checkout counter stop running headlines such as “Did Rob’s Baby Have Horns?” or “Jana and Lance – Kidnapped By Martians?” I have no idea who Rob, Jana and Lance are, and really don’t care. But these lurid headlines are suspended for the January issues while some soothsayer predicts the upcoming year. And annually it’s the same thing: A great person will die, there will be strife in the Middle East and some Hollywood couple will divorce. Well, these messengers of mischief and mayhem have nothing on us. So stand by while I say the sooth.
JANUARY – In his inaugural address, Gov. Greg Abbott vows to fully fund Planned Parenthood, uphold EPA anti-pollution rules and stop constant lawsuits against Washington, then adds to an apoplectic audience: “Just kidding.” Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick declares himself to be the Official State Icon. Super Bowl reaches record viewers when it is announced the halftime show will feature “The Rockettes’ Wardrobe Malfunction.”
FEBRUARY – Rush Limbaugh again denounces global warming as a “gigantic hoax perpetuated by the drive-by media,” this time from the rooftop of his Florida beach-front mansion, which is under water. The State Board of Education discovers a mention of evolution in Texas students’ reading material and demands that the publishers “Stop the chisels!” Bill Cosby’s one-man show at a Chevron station in Billings, Mont. Is cancelled.
MARCH – The New York Times Best Seller list is topped by “Killing Bill O’Reilly.” Prior to the season openers, Houston Astros and Texas Rangers decide their chances of winning would be better if they joined the Texas League. “The Interview” finally opens widely in the U.S. to scathing criticism, but receives glowing reviews and plays to massive audiences in Pyongyang. North Korean leader Kim Jong-un gave it two thumbs up, and blames his reputation outside his country on “the liberal press.”
APRIL – The NRA proclaims April as Go Postal Month. Halliburton merges with Qatar. Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick warns of “creeping progress in the Legislature.” President Obama vetoes a bill to ban murders in his hometown of Chicago, calling it “selective prosecution.” Occupy Wall Street organizers form a corporation and file to be listed on NASDAQ.
MAY – To howls of laughter, the Koch Brothers make a bid to buy California’s Electoral College votes. The Texas Militia announces that, due to its “over-powering presence,” there have zero immigrants trying to sneak across the river into Texas. It is then pointed out they are guarding the Red River. Gov. Abbott files suit against Daylight Saving Time, explaining, “Typical Washington interference in our private lives. We don’t need to save another day.” A Texas Monthly reader discovers an article among the ads.
JUNE — The Koch Brothers again make a bid to buy California’s Electoral College votes.
The State Board of Education considers approving some non-religious subjects taught in K-12. The motion dies for lack of a second. President Obama holds a press conference to note the stock market hits 20,000, unemployment is the lowest in 50 year, there is a budget surplus and no American troops are in combat. Karl Rove denounces it as “nothing new.”
JULY – Wendy Davis admits she’s not a real blonde. She also acknowledges she was not wearing pink tennis shoes during her famous filibuster, explaining, “My feet are pink.” Also, she said her real name is BettyLou BonnieSue Hogwarts, not Wendy. “It’s OK, because I was conceived in a fast-food drive thru.” The Tea Party denies it is named for Revolutionists who dumped tea in Boston Harbor. “They were left-wing, liberal terrorists who were traitorous to our beloved leader, George III. We blame the press.” A Houston driver uses his turn signal. After an extensive search, CNBC finally discovers an anchor who is not British and is not named “Simon.”
AUGUST – The Houston Astros and the Texas Rangers stand a mathematical chance of finishing the season. Texas Democrats annual convention is called off due to lack of a quorum of five delegates or more. Fox News Channel head Roger Ailes demands that Stephen Colbert stop saying: “The title, ‘Fox News,’ is an oxymoron.” Says Ailes: “Fox viewers are not oxen or morons – for the most part.” Merchants start putting up their Christmas decorations – for 2016. Gov. Abbott files suit against owners of the copyright of “Happy Birthday” for demanding royalties. Then withdraws it when everyone starts calling it “Greg Abbott’s birthday suit.”
SEPTEMBER – The Houston Astros and the Texas Rangers finish at the bottom of the Texas League. Oil drops to $40 a barrel. Midland is repossessed. Gov. Greg Abbott sues himself for frivolous lawsuits. Former Gov. Rick Perry announces he is running for President and will campaign in all 49 states. ISIS terrorist leaders captured and shot. An ISIS spokesman blames the press for ‘bad publicity.”
OCTOBER — The State Board of Education joins the NRA in proclaiming October as
“Texas Public Schools Three Rs Month – Remington, Rimshots and Reloading.” Speaker John Boehner demands that Hillary Clinton explain how, while she was Secretary of State, Ebola was spread to Benghazi, transmitted there by illegal immigrants on welfare.
NOVEMBER – Trashy magazines record circulation highs after changing their names to Readers’ Digest, Mensa Quarterly and Texas Monthly With No Ads. President Obama vetoes Congress. The University of Texas and Texas A&M play on Thanksgiving Day after Johnny Manziel returns to the Aggie football team, explaining, “That NFL sucks.”
DECEMBER – The State Board of Education prohibits any school Christmas caroling which includes the line, “Don we now our gay apparel.” The Koch Brothers give up trying to buy California’s Electoral College votes and simply buy California. Sen. Ted Cruz denounces Obama’s immigration policies, explaining: “We’ve got too many immigrants here now.” Sen. Marco Rubio agrees with a simple: “Si.” Israel and Palestine sign a perpetual peace accord – just kidding. Rob’s baby is dehorned, Jana and Lance are found on Mars and I still don’t care.
Trashby is at email@example.com