By Lynn Ashby 5 April 2010
Dear Texas School Teacher,
You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your new tectsbooks as approved by us here at the Texas State School Board Comitee.
Well, here they ar. Tell us if you don’t like the emprovments and end-of-chaptor questions so well know who to far. Thank, Texas State School Board Comitee.
HISTORY: Columbus landed in America to: (a) get away from the reign in Spain. (b) bring the One True Religion to the heathens by massacring all non-believers, turning the rest into slaves, stealing their gold and spreading deadly diseases throughout the New World. (c) find a new route to India, but got lost. India had no idea how lucky it was. (d) Keep from falling off the edge.
True or false: The Founding Fathers have been wrongly portrayed in paintings and movies as wearing knee pants, silk stockings and black loafers with silver buckles. Ditto for lace collars and ponytails.
Fact or rumor: Thomas Jefferson was not an Enlightenment thinker who changed the world, but he did wear all of the above.
The War of Jenkins’ Ear was not covered by health insurance because Jenkins was such a deadbeat and a drain on society that he refused to pay a 38 percent increase in his premiums.
GOVERNMENT: Which one of these is NOT a freedom guaranteed by the Constitution: Religion, press, speech, right to assemble, cable TV. (Extra credit is given for naming any freedom which should be abolished.)
Finish this sentence: The Second Amendment is the most important of all because: (Grade points reduced for mention of Starbucks.)
Barack Obama is: (a) the first line of the “Macarena.” (b) Kenyan for “show me the birth certificate.” (c) a one-term president.
True or true? Texas can secede from the Union any time it wishes.
Who said: “Give me liberty or give me a break.” “We distort, you deride.” “You lie!” “Honk if you want a theocracy.”
Gov. Rick Perry is the longest-serving governor in Texas’ history. Who was the longest-serving inmate on Death Row? Hint: Not if Gov. Perry had his way.
The State School Board is: (a) wise (b) brilliant (c) charming (d) all of the above.
MATH: If an Amtrak train leaves Dallas at noon heading for Houston on the same track that an Amtrak train leaves Houston heading for Dallas, how long would it take for everyone to realize mass transit is a commie plot?
When are 59 votes fewer than 41 votes?
Write a 500 word essay on: Taxes should only be levied to run basic governmental functions such as chain gangs, SWAT teams and death panels.
If one black helicopter costs $4 million, how many can be bought by cutting Medicaid in half?
Minimum wage – Class warfare at its worst or an impediment to the free market?
If a plaintiff’s attorney squeezes $250,000 in damages from a good, solid God-fearing company that makes diapers which occasionally burst into flame, how much will an equally veracious, greedy attorney wring from an upstanding, talented physician who mistakenly amputates the wrong leg?
GEOGRAPHY: Texas is surrounded on all sides by jealous people who want to come here. In 500 words, describe the solution. Hint: Unattributed quotes about land mines, pit bulls and F-16s are not considered plagiarism.
Which of these is NOT a national park but should be: Mt. Olympia Snowe, Forrest Gump, Tiger Woods. (This is a trick question. The correct name is Eldrick Tont Woods.)
SCIENCE: Charles Darwin should be: (a) studied with doubt. (b) not studied. (c) sentenced to eternal damnation.
Name the Biblical chapter and verse where this appears: “God created the Earth in seven days, 10,000 years ago, more or less.”
Should sex education be taught in Texas public schools or should our students continue to learn it by circumventing the Parental Control block on the Internet?
Draw a wheel (it’s sort of round, isn’t it?) List three reasons it should be outlawed.
Earth, wind and fire are: (a) a musical group. (b) underwritten by AIG. (c) still not proven.
SOCIAL STUDIES: “Fair and Balanced” is: (a) slogan of a GOP subsidiary. (b) tattooed on Sarah Palin’s ankle. (c) a law firm.
Newt Gingrich: (a) is an amphibian of the Salamandridae family. (b) stole Christmas. (c) will explain in his autobiography why he was thrown out as Speaker and fined $300,000 for misleading a committee investigating him. (d) Our next president and none too soon.
Name three myths on this list: The Easter Bunny. Global warming. The separation of church and state.
A poll by Quinnipiac University in Hamden, Conn. shows that Tea Party members are “less educated…than the average Joe and Jane Six Pack.” This proves “Quinnipiac” is Algonquian for: (a) village idiot (b) morally challenged (c) He Who Hits the Six-packs.
Well, teachers, that abot does it. We hope you like theze emprovements. Or else. Your State School Board Comitee.
Ashby changes facts at firstname.lastname@example.org