Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow; and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, which was against the rule; It made the children laugh and play, to see a lamb at school. — Sarah Josepha Hale
Associated Press – A lamb was found in the Redstone School in Sterling, Mass. on Thursday morning, reportedly with fleece “as white as snow.” According to police, the owner was identified only as a “Mary,” who apparently was stalked by this animal. “Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go,” said one witness. It made the children laugh and play, which is contrary to school rules. “They should be studying for their STAAR test or TAKS or whatever it’s called today,” said the teacher, Ms. Grimace Grinch. “This could hurt my year-end bonus.”
Glenn Beck – I have ASTONISHING news! A possibly rabid animal, maybe a wolf or a lion – I don’t know — invaded a school filled with innocent babies still in their cribs, and our government allowed this vicious predator to SLAUGHTER these babes while Washington did nothing! This is no doubt an ISIS terrorist attack right here in America, and another step in establishing a caliphate! I recommend that you stock up on food and land mines, and hide in your bomb shelter. But first, buy my latest book, “Fear and Paranoia Are the New Normal.”
The White House – President Obama loves lambs, unlike those pet-and-child-hating Republicans. This incident proves that the President’s predecessor’s program of Paddle No Child’s Behind is a total failure. However, the President feels other children from, say, El Salvador, have a right to come here illegally and stay without fear of degrading pressures such as learning English or being separated from their parents and 12 siblings waiting on the riverbank just outside of Nuevo Laredo. If you like your lamb, you can keep your lamb.
Rachel Maddow MSNBC – Wall Street fat cats are again running roughshod over the little guy. A lamb visited a private school, no doubt catering to the children of the top 1 percent who have villas in France and ski lodges in Aspen while the proletariat sweat in the mines. Police say the lamb followed her? Sure it did, in that conservative think-alike Hitler Youth camp, they’re all followers. And speaking of being fleeced….
Jon Stewart – Mary had a little lamb. So who’s the father? Ewe Haul? OK, I know a ewe is a female, as I was telling Caitlyn Jenner. Now it’s time for me to interview some guy who wrote a book nobody will ever read. Jeez. Still got another month on my contract.
Rev. Al Sharpton – Only a white lamb? No blacks? This is a racist school. Where are the TV cameras?
Fox News – In an obvious Obama attempt to wreck America as we know it today, a sacrificial lamb was allowed into one of our degrading public schools which were perfectly fine under George W. Bush. It was against the rules, but do you see our inept attorney general doing anything about these lawbreakers except prosecute police who are all that stand between us and anarchy, mostly led by black terrorists? True, every survey finds our viewers are not very well educated, are elderly and tend to doze off during newscasts, SO STAY AWAKE! We’re fair and balanced, if you get our drift. And what about Hillary leading that mob in Benghazi?
The New York Times – A lamb (Ovis aries) followed a female student (the Times does not release the names of minors, especially if they give us secret government papers) to school in Sterling, Mass. Mary Sawyer decided to take her pet lamb to school, at the suggestion of her brother. (Brothers in America. Page A-12) Visiting Mary’s school was a young man who was very taken by the presence of the lamb. The next day he returned to the school (A history of Massachusetts school houses. Pages B 12-32) and handed Mary a piece of paper with the three original stanzas written upon it. (Wikipedia) The Redstone School was built in 1798. (Major educational events of 1798, Section T). Mary Sawyer’s house, located in Sterling, was destroyed by arson on Aug. 12, 2007. (Arson in Sterling, Mass. – Is it growing? Editorial, op/ed columns and graphs G-24-33)
Local TV News – Is looking at kale harmful to your spleen? How big should your pie pans be? But first – Pow! Wow! Screech! – Breaking news!!!! A school house has been invaded by a lamb matching the description of a pet stolen by three alleged perpetrators shown here on blurry video tape made from 45 feet away, actually from another store. They can easily be identified by their ski masks, hoodies and ponchos. We’ll be back with more details on the school invasion right after stories on three apartment fires, two car wrecks and lots of yellow police tape around shootings.
PBS NewsHour — Hi, I’m Judy Woodruff. Smack. Gwen isn’t here, but she rarely is. Smack. She says she can’t stand my constant smacking. Smack. In the first recording of the human voice in 1877, Thomas Edison recited “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” The nursery rhyme was initially published by the Boston firm Marsh, Capen & Lyon, as an original poem by Sarah Josepha Hale on May 24, 1830, and was inspired by an actual incident. Here to take up the remaining 55 minutes of the program by debating the influence of rules, laughing and playing on education are two opposing experts on something.
Bill O’Reilly – Those pinhead educators are pushing their liberal do-gooder propaganda on children by turning classrooms into petting zoos. I’ll be back with egotistical and blustering comments, but first this reminder: Now that you have bought my Killing Series – Jesus, Patton, JFK and Cock Robin, buy my new book based on this latest murder, “Silencer of the Lambs.”
Ashby is sheepish at firstname.lastname@example.org