There has been a lot of confusion about the 2015 presidential races, so once again as the Answer Man, I shall clear up any questions, doubts and other stupid problems bothering you. Yes, the gentleman in the tri-corn hat and carrying a musket.
Answer Man, first of all, the elections are in 2016, or maybe it’s 1776. As a member of the Tea Party, which presidential candidate best reflects our beliefs and priorities?
An easy one. Millard Fillmore. Next, from the old guy with the white hair holding the “Sanders for President” poster. Please state your name.
I’d rather not. But do you think some guy from a little state like, say, Vermont, with almost no cash compared to his opponents, and no national recognition, stands a chance, especially if he’s a self-described socialist who wants to confiscate wealth and give it to the poor? Can he be elected?
Possibly, if he were running for president of Cuba. His best bet is to appeal to his base, Occupy Wall Street, but avoid the Starbucks bathrooms. Incidentally, in these election primaries there are many candidates, and perhaps I can give you some tips. We have Carly Fiorina, which many voters believe goes well with tuna bucatini and a dry pinot grigio. Actually, Fiorina was once head of HP and ran it almost as well as BP. She laid off 30,000 American employees, the stock lost more than half its value, and she was fired. But Fiorina left with a golden parachute of $20 million, big enough to self-finance her run for U.S. senator from California. She lost, but must still have some funds left over, because she’s now running for president. On the plus side, she is the daughter of a UT law professor.
Speaking of Texas, we have Rick Perry, better known to the voters as Governor Oops. Perry is the only candidate in either party under two felony indictments, or maybe three. He’s confused, but he plans to campaign in all 45 states. Also from Texas is Sen. Ted Cruz, who is MIA from the Senate, since he’s been away campaigning for president even before he was sworn in. But back to the questions. Has anyone heard of Donald Trump?
Next question, from the lady in the ragged T-shirt, cut-offs, with the large snake tattoo on her legs, both of them, and smoking something that smells funny.
Yeah, Man Answer, like, my name is Wonder Woman and I’m from Colorado, I think, and, like, there are so many candidates, especially on the Repub, Public, whatever, side. Which POG candidate best reflects my own, uh, like stuff, ya know? And why do you look like a giant anteater?
Wonder Woman, vote for Rand Paul. He is for legalizing almost everything except straight hair. Another wannabe president is Sen. Marco Rubio from Florida, who doesn’t believe in global warming, but may when his state is flooded by melting glaciers. Same for another Miami vice, Jeb Bush, who is famous for being a Bush, but quickly changed his last name to !, so he is now Jeb!, which is easier to write. Bobby Jindal from Louisiana also changed his name, from Piyush Jindal, explaining, “Piyush is such a Cajun name.” Rick Santorum, a Catholic father of seven whose kids are home-schooled, says he is troubled by even married couples using birth control. Next question.
Answer Man, who are Chafee, O’Malley and Webb?
They are others seeking the Democratic nomination against the wife of Bill Clinton, Monica somebody. Like that guy carrying the Sanders’ sign, those three nobodies don’t have much of an organization, money or voter recognition. You can spot their faces on the sides of milk cartons. Oh, and about Mrs. Clinton, pundits say her nomination is “inevitable.” They said the same thing in 2008. Since I am talking about money, casino tycoon Sheldon Adelman and his wife dropped more than $90 million last time around on first Newt Gingrich and then on Mitt Romney, and don’t have squat to show for it. But I hear the inside track still goes to Romney. I mean, they have all those bumper stickers for yachts left over. Then there are the men behind the curtain, manipulating the American political system, the Koch brothers, pronounced like “coke.” Just remember, elections go better with Koch.
Answer Man, obviously some of these candidates have no chance of winning, so why do they put themselves and their families through such an ordeal?
It is said that no presidential candidate runs for vice president. Tell that to LBJ, George H.W. Bush, maybe Joe Biden and all the other pols who ran for president but settled for second banana, then finally got the top job. There is also the ego or narcissism factor. Some people crave the spotlight, and shrivel without it. Examples: Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Dan Patrick and the person who was once Bruce Jenner. They are addicted to attention.
How is Fox News going to handle so many Republican candidates in one debate?
Fox News, or Faux News as some call it, has a real problem on its hands. Limiting the candidates to 10 excludes others, shutting them off to oblivion — or Iowa. If Ben Carson, the lone black candidate, is left out, the GOP will look like a party made up only of rich white guys.
What’s your point?
If Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina is not included, there goes the Confederate vote. So Fox will do as it always does, blame the liberal media. Up till now I haven’t even mentioned Pataki, Huckabee and Kasich.
Is that a law firm or a Vaudeville act?
They are even more GOP candidates. In any event, it’s going to be a great race.
Great race? Does that mean you’re backing Ben Carson?
Answer Man, this whole crowd looks like a bunch of incompetent clowns who will say or do anything, pandering to our worst instincts.
Ashby is electable at firstname.lastname@example.org