Hi, Neighbors. Each month we bring you the local crime report in Running Rats Acres to help you keep abreast of what your sticky-fingered neighbors are up to: A house burglary on Screwworm Lane resulted in the theft of two bowling trophies, baby shoes, a wedding portrait and $2,000 in cash. The owner would like the $2,000 in cash returned because “it has great sentimental value.” In the 300 block of Weeping Wound Way a house was burglarized sometime during July while the owners were away doing community service. Nothing was taken, but the burglars left a note expressing their sympathies for the house’s condition and a $10 bill. In that same block, a resident filed a complaint that someone stole his burglar alarm.
Police report that vandals broke into Melba’s Unpainted Furniture Store and painted everything. The constable’s office points out that residents should not dial 911 when the TV cable goes out. Incidentally, there is new emergency phone number for dyslexics: 119. Authorities are viewing video tape of a break-in at Lou’s Adult Book Store & Children’s Clothing Boutique which shows two people, probably men or women, between the ages of 17 and 60, black, Hispanic, white or possible Asian. They were wearing baseball caps of undetermined color, ski masks and jackets or vests or maybe overcoats. If you have any information on the identify of these alleged perpetrators call 1-800-SNITCH. You may receive a reward. Then again, you may not.
The Running Rats Acres Little League reports someone stole third base.
The Home Owners Association would like to commend Deputy Bill “The Badger” Badge for apprehending the notorious Bee Bandit. “Hive been working on the case for weeks. It was a honey of an arrest,” he said. “I set up a sting operation.”
Sen. Ted Cruz filed a complaint against a local resident who claims Cruz was really born in Kenya. The senator explained that he’s a cousin of Tom Cruz. This summer’s Flies of Texas Festival was broken up by the SWAT team. Residents of the 5000 block of Python Fang Point say that a flasher has been hiding behind hedges and, when someone approaches, the flasher jumps out and shows pictures of his grandchildren.
On a housekeeping note, the annual Take a Truncheon to Luncheon Appreciation Gala has been cancelled because someone stole the hot plate. A report filed on Monday about a 230-foot yacht missing in Town Lake has been ruled a practical joke. “We were taking it seriously until the complainant also claimed his yacht held 100 ostriches dressed in tutus,” the desk sergeant said. Due to a misunderstand, inmates in the city jail will no longer be supplied with an iPhone, iPad and iSaw. Apparently the chief jailer did not fully comprehend the term “cell phone.” Be on the lookout for whoever is spraying graffiti on the City Hall front door. It is covering over last week’s graffiti, which was much better. The Running Rats Democratic Club reports its supply of fake voter IDs is missing.
A driver in the 2900 block of Pothole Place reports a hit-and-run accident, but wouldn’t give his name, make of car or license plate number. The Aaron Burr High School Taser Team will hold try-outs on Friday. Also, the ACLU has submitted a criminal charge demanding the Aaron Burr High Booster Club refrain from hosting its annual Boosters Roosters Picnic. An ACLU spokesman said, “The event violates the separation of religion and state since the boosters are serving Church’s Fried Chicken.” Sheriff’s deputies confirmed they have apprehended the rustler who stole two colts and a mare from the Saddle Sore Dude Ranch. The alleged perpetrators is under horse arrest. The Texas Bankrupt & Trust reports it is missing $3 million in cash along with two clerks and the banks’ video cameras. The bank’s president said, “We think it was an inside job.”
A resident under the Federal Witness Protection Program complains that a concrete truck drove up to his house and the driver asked for his shoe size. The Running Rats Acres PD has issued an apology to KRUD-TV for sending over a video supposedly showing a robbery at the Choke & Puke restaurant which turned out to be video of the department’s Christmas party. The chief hopes this will resolve the four divorce filings along with the eight accusations of sexual harassment, and lead to the recovery of two patrol cars. Justice of the Peace Gabe Gavel has filed regicide charges against Attorney Casey Closed, specifically for murdering the King’s English, after Closed told Justice Gavel his job is easy, adding, “You don’t have to be a docket scientist.”
Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst has filed a complaint with the police chief, accusing officers of arresting his step-niece-in-law for shoplifting and not releasing her even after discovering the relationship between the two. “Do you know who I am?” Dewhurst explained. The desk sergeant answered, “Yeah, you’re the wuss who lost to that Canadian.” An alleged culprit, caught shoplifting at the Moribund Funeral Home, refused to be handcuffed and was charged with resisting a wrist. A customer has filed a complaint alleging that she found meat in her Big Mac.
A vendor at the town’s sales rally reported someone stole a Starving Artist’s water color of the Unknown Soldier. The painting is filed under Missing in Auction. At the flea market, someone lifted two bowling trophies, baby shoes, a wedding portrait and $2,000 in cash. A citizen reports that, during the recent garbage strike, she put all her trash in pretty gift boxes and left them in the back seat of her car, then parked it at the mall. When she returned the bags were gone. She doesn’t want them back. A bill has been introduced in the Texas Legislature by Lt. Gov. Dewhurst to strip all state funding from the Running Rats Acres Police Department. Police report finding a 230-foot yacht in Town Lake with 100 ostriches dressed in tutus.
Ashby is arresting at firstname.lastname@example.org