Take Me to Your Litter
AISLE 4 – Cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, kale. Why is kale such a hot item these days? Every yuppy and Gen
A Born Experience
What do Sam Donaldson, Nolan Ryan and Dwight Eisenhower have in common? No, they were not brief members of the
A Portmanteau to Celebrate
GALVESTON – This town has an assortment of neighborhoods such as beautiful old mansions next to pawn shops. The mansions
Follow the Money
THE DEALERSHIP – Oh, hi. I am just picking out what color Lamborghini I’m going to buy. You should do the same, because Big Bux are headed this way. And we deserve to get our share.
Hoax Springs Eternal
THE WATCHTOWER – They are out there somewhere, and I’m going to do my civic and find ‘em, capture ‘em
Getting Down and Dirty
THE YARD – OK, my last get-rich-scheme didn’t work, but how was I to know that Trump would be such
New Kid on the Block and Tackle
One gray winter Sunday night in the 1960s I was working at a New York City newspaper when a colleague
Stations of the Crosshairs
THE TV –“We’ll be back with more shootings, stabbings — lots of yellow police tape — and apartment fires. Speaking
A Moving Experience
THE PHONE – “Hello. I’d like to change my water bill address,” I tell the city water department. “I’m moving
College Dropout
Like you, I stay awake at night worrying about the Electoral College. It doesn’t have much of a football team,
College Humor — Sort Of
Harvey Schmidt has died at the age of 88 in Tomball. No, that should not mean anything to you, although
The Spies of Texas
THE STREET CORNER – There are two interesting looking people standing across the street. Both are wearing cowboy outfits right
Putin’s Puppets
THE TV – I am watching a Senate hearing in which the heads of all our intelligence and anti-intelligence operations
A River Runs Through It
SAN ANTONIO – Here we are, morning at an outdoor café along the town’s River Walk. The sky is blue,
Over Lock, Stock, and Barrel
To our stockholders: It is time once again for our annual report from the Sludge Energy Co., and a good
Every Fire Has Its Place
THE HEARTH – It has been really cold lately, which I hate. Cold weather is God’s revenge for us complaining
When IRS Eyes Are Crying
THE EVENING NEWS – Here is one of Donald Trump’s daughters – I can’t tell which one, they are all
What’s In a Name?
THE MAILBOX – Here are the usual suspects: dunning letters from creditors, ransom notes, rejections from publications (“Quit bothering us
Texas by the Book
THE BOOK REVIEW – It’s much easier to just read a review of a book than having to plow through
The Size of Texas
AUSTIN – The newspapers and local TV here in the state capital constantly rail – OK, bad choice of words
Life in the Future, Tense
THE CALENDAR – Oh what a year, what with competent candidates getting elected, famous people doing famous things and peace
Radio Active
by Lynn Ashby “They are nothing but bunch of traitors and dirty rotten scoundrels. It’s unbelievable.” That’s Sean Hannity. He’s
Worth its Salt
Recently, at Perry’s Steakhouse and Grill, I was lucky enough to sample their new signature cocktail: The Strait Paloma. This
Have a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight
Here’s how to ring in the summer season in H Town. by Warner Roberts It’s here—I know it, you know
A Rare Media, Well Done
THE TV – “It is all the fault of the media elite.” “The media elite hate America, and will do
Bordering On the Ridiculous
THE MAP – They are all here: Houston, Austin, San Antonio and El Paso, except they read San Antonio de
Harvesting Harvey
THE FRONT YARD – No, this is not another poor-little-me Hurricane Harvey story. This is a story of wealth beyond
Bidder Sweet Deal
My latest get-rich-quick scheme didn’t work out as planned. Still, I thought the Hurricane Harvey Weinstein Rebuild & Rehab Center
Split-Second Guessing
THE TV – “Nimrod has a good changeup, but isn’t going to make the playoffs. Mugwump, on the other hand,
Guest Work Without Reservations
THE HOTEL – The nice part about staying in a hotel is that someone else empties your wastebaskets, picks up
Houston: The Melting Pot
Not to mention the humidity. by Lynn Ashby Tan Tan, Dynasty Plaza, Fu Fu, lots of signs in Chinese
A Damper on the Day
THE DEN – Have you ever had one of those days? The Astros lost, the Texans lost, the Longhorns are
Hypocrites’ Oath
THE FRONT YARD – I am looking at the flotsam and jetsam of what was my house, and it reminds
Without Rhymes or Reasons
As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives, Each wife had seven sacks, Each
Texas Gets Dressed Down
by Lynn Ashby THE RESTAURANT – This is a relatively fancy place — not much lipstick on the glasses —
The Art of the Deal
by Lynn Ashby U.S. Rep. John Culberson, a Republican from Houston, is including language in a foreign relations bill urging
ANOTHER LITTER LETTER
By Lynn Ashby 24 July 2017 ANOTHER LITTER LETTER To my constituents: From time to time, like every
VAULT-ZING ACROSS TEXAS
By Lynn Ashby 3 July 2017 VAULT-ZING ACROSS TEXAS THE BANK – To paraphrase Capital One, what’s in your
LISTING TO THE RITES
By Lynn Ashby 26 June 2017 THE STORE — I am drawing up my Bucket List — a
JUST BE PATIENT, PATIENT
THE CLINIC — This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a
JUST BE PATIENT, PATIENT
THE CLINIC — This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a Republican
NEWS YOU CAN LOSE
AUSTIN – “City Council voted today to increase fees for bigamists…” “TxDOT is limiting the number of mules on I-thirty
EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES
By Lynn Ashby 22 May 2017 As our Texas legislators wrestled with their latest budget gap of billions of
GALVESTON, SANS SANDS
By Lynn Ashby 15 May 2017 THE MUSEUM — Here’s a picture with an inscription: “I am happy to acknowledge
POLS AND POLLS APART
THE BOARD ROOM – “Hi, I’m with Margin of Error Pollsters, and we’d like to poll the next presidential
NAME THAT TOWN
By Lynn Ashby 1 May 2017 A Houstonian, a Dallasite and a Beaumonter walk into a bar and…wait. Why do
LONGHORNING IN
By Lynn Ashby 24 April 2017 THE JUNGLE – Trees and bushes so thick you couldn’t walk through them, with
CONTACTED BY CONS
THE COMPUTER — “Dear User, Your account has expired, you must renew or your account will be de-activated. Click Here To Renew.” And:
REMEMBER THE A LA MODE
By Lynn Ashby 10 April 2017 THE ALAMO PLAZA – A man is shouting “Praise Jesus!” as he walks in
WIRE YOU TAPPING?
THE FRONT DOOR – It’s a dark and gloomy night, yet someone is knocking on my door. I open it
A LEAGUE OF OUR OWN
Play ball! Yes, the baseball season is upon us once more. The Lone Star grudge match between Dallas and Houston
TEXAS, THE RANKEST STATE
By Lynn Ashby 13 March 2017 TEXAS, THE RANKEST STATE Texas, our Texas, all hail the not-so-mighty state that,
Grin and Bear It
WACO – “A vodka, straight, please,” I say. The bartender springs into action. This is most unusual because I am on the campus of Baylor University, the nation’s largest Baptist school, noted for no booze, no smoking and – until recently — no dancing. Oh, and known for an on-going scandal about gang rapes and football players. This is the new (2014) football stadium, originally named Baylor Stadium but changed to Drayton McLane Stadium after a huge gift from the alumni who sold the Houston Astros for $680 million. Also, and this I didn’t know, the City of Waco kicked in $30 million. Wonder if College Station or Austin did the same for their universities?
LOST AND FUND
THE OFFICE – It’s not here, nor there, either. My long-lost Magna Carta has to be here somewhere. Maybe
TEXAS ON THE FAST TRACK
By Lynn Ashby 20 Feb. 2017 THE OFFICE – A fast train running between Houston and Dallas is such
FRIDAY NIGHT FLIGHTS
TULLY STADIUM – This is where my son and his son played football and where my daughter led
YANKEE, COME HOME
HOVERING OVER HOUSTON — Fasten your seatbelts, trays up, wheels down. I am flying into Hobby from a trip
Anchor Away
The story of how Dave Ward made the record books (and probably toppled a tyrant) by Lynn Ashby Through winding
THE EYES HAVE IT
By Lynn Ashby 30 January 2017 THE EYES HAVE IT THE KITCHEN — Elderly Chinese gentleman:
YULE GET AROUND TO IT
By Lynn Ashby 16 Jan. 2017 THE DEN – Hello, 911? Need to report a burglary. Boxes opened and left
A RARE MEDIUM, WELL DONE
By Lynn Ashby 16 Jan. 2017 A RARE MEDIUM, WELL DONE THE CLASSROOM — Welcome,
SAYING THE SOOTH
By Lynn Ashby 9 January 2017 A great woman will die, a team will win the World Series
BOWLING OVER
By Lynn Ashby 26 Dec. 2016 THE TV – “Down, set, Omaha eight. Black bear forty-seven. Tight right
SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR
By Lynn Ashby 19 Dec. 2016 SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR Looking back at the
ALL JOKING ASIDE
By Lynn Ashby 12 Dec. 2016 ALL JOKING ASIDE THE LAFF GASP — Thank ya, thank ya,
GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS
By Lynn Ashby 5 Dec. 2016 THE PC — Did you know that the Pope indorsed Donald Trump for the
TERM LIMITATIONS
THE MEETING HALL – As usual, our chairman, Bottom Line, called the group to order as quick as a
WHEN A COLLEGE BECOMES A UNIVERSITY
Did you win or lose in the recent democracy inaction? Probably both. Texas scored big, at least some did,
WE’RE NUMBER 1 — OR MAYBE NOT
THE OFFICE – I am looking at my choice, but first let’s talk about yours. You wake up
POP OPEN THE CAMPAIGN
By Lynn Ashby 7 Nov. 2016 THE VOTING BOOTH — The fat lady has sung. OK, she’s not really
ONE MAN, ONE VOTE, ONE STATE
We are constantly being told to vote in this Presidential election. Do we have to? We already know the
THE ICE OF TEXAS
THE RESTAURANT – Food was good, service, too. Price was right. Quiet, no kids running berserk. What a
LOCKER ROOM? NO, LOCKER UP!
Dear Patriotic American, We at the Republican National Committee (RNC) are writing you as a leader in your
A DIFFERENT TRAIN OF THOUGHT
CHAMBERS COUNTY – “Good morning, America. How are ya? I’m the train they call the City of New
THE PLOT THICKENS
By Lynn Ashby 10 Oct. 2016 THE CEMETERY – This is a family reunion, although I shall do all the
A CLASS ACT
THE SCHOOL GYM — “Billy Ralph. Good to see you. How’s MinnieMay?” “She ran off with a shepherd,
TV or Not TV?
By Lynn Ashby 26 Sept. 2016 THE TUBE – “All new! Fantastic drama! Laff riot!” The TV networks are telling
SHIP WITHOUT A FULL DECK
Fasten the mizzen mast! Splike the nimrods and be quick about it, mates. Why this nautical mood? Because
MORE LIKE STINK TANKS
This multi-million dollar glass and steel beauty in the heart of Washington’s prime real estate used to be my office
CAMPING IN THE PRESENT TENTS
Dear Mom and Dad, Camp Wanakawa is really great. So is the food. I like my counselors and I’ve met
MURDER MOST MYSTERIOUS
HUNT – This part of Texas along the banks of the Guadalupe River is one of the most beautiful in
TAKE ME TO YOUR LITTER
THE OFFICE – It’s here somewhere, maybe under this pile of magazines which is under a pile of books.
HOW TO RUN A GOVERNMENT
Our Congress is in recess. Again. They have more recesses than a kindergarten class and do less. At such
ANYONE BUT ONE OF THE ABOVE
British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned this past July 11. Two days later, the Brits had a new prime minister,
Dew Make Your Point
By Lynn Ashby 25 July 2016 THE TV – “It will hit a hundred and ten degrees, maybe
WASP Without a Sting
By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2016 WASP Without a Sting How are you doing with your guilt trip? Have you
New Party Animal: the Chameleon
The candidate does not have the temperament to be president. Do you want that finger on the nuclear
TIME OF THE SIGNS
THE BLIGHT BULLETIN — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres. It’s about those campaign signs,
REALM OF THE COIN
GALVESTON – This is the Rosenberg Library Museum (“The oldest free public library in Texas”) which is showing a
SUNDAY MORNING GUNNIN’ DOWN
THE DEN – Stay down! Don’t go near the windows! I need a periscope to see what’s going
POCKETS OF RESISTENCE
The U.S. Marine Corps is currently fighting two wars, and taking casualties in both. The number of active duty
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A SOLUTION
HOUSTON – Just look around you. White people, black people, more and more yellow people, brown people, those who speak
A SICK STUDENT BODY
By Lynn Ashby 9 May 2016 School is almost over for high school seniors, and they are already making plans
NO LAUGHING MATTER
THE TV – “President Obama walks into a bar and asks for a black Russian. The bartender says — oh
THINK OUTSIDE THE BALLOT BOX
By Lynn Ashby 25 April 2016 To: All Patriotic Texans From: Another Patriotic Texan Subject: Voter Fraud Fellow God-fearing,
THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER
By Lynn Ashby 18 April 2016 THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER THE REFRIGERATOR – A warm spring afternoon, time
THE SIZE OF TAXES ARE UPON US
THE DINING ROOM TABLE — If I deduct line 34-J from the total of lines 3-R and the leftovers of
GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS
THE DEN – Tonight is time for a good book. There is “The Wit and Wisdom of Sarah Palin”
LIFTING HEAVY WAITS
THE KITCHEN – Not again. My ice dispenser doesn’t seem to be working, I’ll will have to call the
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT US
WITH SANTA ANNA — Day after day I march through soggy fields, open salt grass, past farms and villages
HOOKED BY THE HORNS
Amidst the internal turmoil at The University of Texas at Austin, we now have a new battle involving the entire
SEEN OF THE CRIME
By Lynn Ashby 29 Feb. 2016 THE PARKING LOT – I just witnessed a crime, so pay attention, because my
NO BELT-TIGHTENING AROUND THE WASTE
THE POST OFFICE – My next fortune is going to be made selling the U.S. Postal Service “Next Window Please”
THE LINE’S SHARE
By Lynn Ashby 15 Feb. 2016 THE ABACUS – Let’s see. One point one million divided by 34 million, or
STABBING THE ESTABLISHMENT
By Lynn Ashby 8 Feb. 2016 THE TV – “I am running against the Establishment.” “If elected, I shall
STATUE OF LIMITATIONS
By Lynn Ashby 1 Feb. 2016 HERMANN PARK –It is a busy Saturday afternoon, with joggers, walkers, zoo visitors. Sunny,
BETTER UNREAD THAN DEAD
By Lynn Ashby 25 Jan. 2016 Good news! Last year at least 69 journalists were killed around the world
HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM
By Lynn Ashby 18 Jan. 2016 The Bayou City came through 2015 relatively unscathed. Yes, there was the downturn
A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
By Lynn Ashby 11 Jan, 2916 THE KITCHEN TABLE – Ah, yes. This is exactly what I ordered,
PREDICTIONS’ PREDICAMENTS
By Lynn Ashby 3 Jan. 2016 It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear
SLIPPERY SLOPE
By Lynn Ashby 28 Dec. 2015 THE SHOWER – I wrap a towel around me, then very slowly I grab
AND GOOD RIDDANCE
By Lynn Ashby 21 Dec. 2016 What a year it was. 2015 lasted 365 days, but it seems longer.
PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD
By Lynn Ashby 14 Dec. 2015 PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD What do Donald Trump, the Longhorn Network
A PLOY NAMED SUE
EAST OF AUSTIN – State Highway 71 along here is bumpy, but is far better than some of our
WHO WAS THAT MOSQUE MAN?
THE CURB – Here I am performing my weekly task to create a greener planet, add to the beauty of
THE LONE STAR SLATE
I blame John Nance Garner for our problem. Yes, Cactus Jack from that incubator of national leaders, Uvalde, Texas, is
THE BUCK STOPS HERE
THE TV – “…and, if elected, I shall balance the budget, make good things happen, cure cancer,… “ Gad, the
POLES APART
By Lynn Ashby 9 Nov. 2015 THE FRONT YARD – Time to run it up the flagpole and see
STICKER SHOCK
By Lynn Ashby 2 Nov. 2015 STICKER SHOCK To: All Texas Principles From: State Board of Education Subject: Slight
REDUNDANT, AGAIN
By Lynn Ashby 26 Oct. 2015 THE MEETING HALL – As usual, Bottom Line took the podium faster than a
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS BOXES
By Lynn Ashby 19 Oct. 2015 MONTICELLO – We have come to this beautiful countryside of Virginia to look into
A MOVING EXPERIENCE
THE STREET – Another moving van has pulled up to the old McToxic place. From the van, out come the
TAKE A TRUNCHEON TO LUNCHEON
To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Well done! My fellow patriots, Washington has
NEEDED: MORE SPACE IN SPACE CITY
THE LIVING ROOM – The couch can easily hold two, three if they squeeze. Put a mattress in the
SCHEME OF THE CROP
My recent get-rich-quick schemes had turned into get-broke-even-quicker schemes. I had opened the Donald Trump Barber College & Humility School.
ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?
By Lynn Ashby 14 Sept. 2015 THE BANK – Remembering the $1,200 I had already received, I am checking out
2015 IS A VERY GOOD YEAR
By Lynn Ashby 7 Sept. 2015 THE HILL COUNTRY – For years in late summer, peaches were the purchase of
Where Do We Go from Here?
A Roadmap for Houston’s (Possible) Future by Lynn Ashby You know Houston is on a roll. Boom, boom, boom, with
PHONE-Y ADVICE
By Lynn Ashby 31 August 2015 Luigi gets off the plane from the old country and soon buys a
TAKE IT ON THE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow; and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was
THE 0.1 PERCENT SOLUTION
Many major elections have given us some catchy phrases, such as, “54-40 or fight,” which I believe was the score
THROW IN THE TOWEL
AUSTIN – Remember Yogi Berra’s famous quote? “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” I suppose the opposite of that
TRIPPING OVER THE LIGHT, FANTASTIC
TRIPPING OVER THE LIGHT, FANTASTIC THE DEN – The couch is over here, so the coffee table must be….OUCH!
THE ARTFUL DODGERS
By Lynn Ashby 3 Aug. 2015 Presidential candidate Donald Trump has raised a ruckus by saying that Sen. John McCain
GET OUT THE AIRBUSH
When Nikolai Yezhov, a top Soviet official, got on the wrong side of Stalin and the front side of a
QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
There has been a lot of confusion about the 2015 presidential races, so once again as the Answer Man, I
COUNTING YOUR CHICKENS
THE SHOW ROOM – As expected, I found you here, checking out the 2016 Lamborghinis. I am thinking the
THE SIZE OF TEXAS IS UPON US
By Lynn Ashby 6 July 2015 AUSTIN – The traffic on I-35 is stopped dead both ways,
TO THE RESCUE — AGAIN
VARICOSE VALLEY – This is my small abode I visit for weekends and during times I need to get away
STATUE OF LIMITATIONS
If we could change history, I probably would have picked Poland over Germany and given Custer the edge. Alas, we
VAULTS ACROSS TEXAS
MY BACK YARD – Just dig a big hole, dump the bars in here, cover them up, and the problem
LOST IN TRANSPORTATION
SOUTH OF SOMEWHERE – If I take a right at the next intersection, then a left and another left, I
LISTING TO THE NORTH
By Lynn Ashby 25 May 2015 So you are in the bottom of the eighth inning, or maybe the top
TOO GOOD TO PASS UP
MY COMPUTER – Today there is new email, rather than the usual dunning notices from MassiveCharge, the IRS and/or
New Heads on the Block
What every pilgrim should know by Lynn Ashby So you’re new to Houston. Big deal. So was everyone here, at
WHO’S ON FIRST, ABBOTT?
To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Defending Texas!!! My fellow patriots, Washington is
AUSTIN-TATIOUS
The late columnist Molly Ivins often told the story of Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis addressing a group of wheelchair-bound
FAN FARE FOR THE COMMON FAN
By Lynn Ashby 27 April 2015 Peter O’Reilly, the NFL’s senior vice president of events, recently visited NRG Stadium, aka
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
THE ROADSIDE – You may be wondering why I am sitting here, stopped along a busy street, with a patrol
Born Abroad
YOUR PAPERS, PLEASE Anyone can spot events as they are occurring, but once again you and I are
Return of the Lone Star
LONE STAR RISING, ALMOST The U.S. Supreme Court has been dealing with the Texas state government’s refusal to
TRIGGER-NOMETRY 101
TRIGGER-NOMETRY 101 THE PARKING LOT –Driving to this convenience store at my weekend getaway in Varicose Valley, I suddenly
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE
Ski Texas! Go south to Canada! You can’t arrest me, officer. I’m a diplomat! All this will be true
ROOMS FOR IMPROVEMENT
THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to
ROOMS FOR IMPROVEMENT
THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to
ARE WE WHERE YET?
SOUTH OF SEVEN OAKS — “Turn left at the next peacock crossing.” The Voice Lady in the dashboard is still
ADMISSIONS OF GILT
So you want you or your kid or that cousin wearing the ankle monitor to get into The University of
MISSION UN-POSSIBLE MOSCOW
By Lynn Ashby 23 Feb. 2015 — No, this one is in deep East Texas, a pleasant little town and
PONTIFICATE-GATE
THE DEN – Let’s see what’s on TV this Sunday morning. Yes, the talking heads, waxing wisely on various subjects.
LICENSED TO BILL
THE FRONT DOOR – “Hi, I’m Leon, here to fix your garbage disposal. I was told some idiot put
GOODBYE MISTER CHIPS
THE CASINO — Phat Duc, that inscrutable Asian hiding behind his dark glasses, takes another drag on his cigarette,
BUT FEAR ITSELF
THE TV – “In other news,” the anchorman intones, then goes on to tell about wars, hopes for peace, etc.
WHERE THERE’S SMOKE
THE TOBACCONIST – This is where I pick up my imported cigars, especially rolled for me by a little
BEAT THE PRESS
THE OFFICE — Look to the left of that tree. It’s another tree, or so I’m supposed to think. That
AWAY ALL QUOTES!
“I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” — Willie
THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD
THE GROCERY STORE – Every year about this time these trashy magazines we see in racks by the checkout counter
PREDICTIONS’ PREDICAMENTS
It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear and trepidation. Either way, we now
OUR YEAR OF TEARS
Houston, we don’t have a problem. Well, some problems. True, 2014 was when we saw big changes in sports, plus
THE YEAR OF THE RAT
By Lynn Ashby 22 Dec. 2014 What a year it was! Military victories, parades, the troops came home,
OUT IN THE COLD
THE KITCHEN – Here it is, my new refrigerator. You probably have such an appliance in your home, most people
A NOTION OF IMMIGRANTS
One night I was having dinner in an eatery when the owner came over and said, “Mee-stur HASH-bee, you have
BITE THE BALLOT
THE PARTY – “So what do you think about the elections?” I ask a total stranger, trying to make
AS BIG AS TEXAS
THE OPEN ROAD – As good highway drivers, we keep a sharp eye out for slick roads, dangerous curves and,
MIDNIGHT MADNESS
GALVESTON – Splice the drumstick, marinate the trampoline, and look lively about it! For we are at this beach resort
AN ID-EAL SITUATION
You have already voted, the ballots either have been counted or are being re-counted, depending whether the LBJ School of
AWAY ALL QUOTES!
“I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” —
Houston: The Rankest City
by Lynn Ashby Our Number 1 is up We all know that Houston is home to the world’s largest medical
FUNDS AND GAMES
FROM: The Hon. Gov. Rick Perry TO: Any Texan or Wannabe Texan Do you have an idea for a new
ONE-TRACK MIND
THE COACH — As the train knifes through the night like a silver snake, there are sounds of a struggle,
NORTHERN EXPOSURE
THE CAFÉ – Ah, yes, a little French music, French soup, croissants, and I can’t understand a word the yuppies
GUNS ‘N’ POSES
Dear neighbors, Some of you have been asking your board of directors about our new Running Rats Acres Police Department
RUNNING ON EMPTY
By Lynn Ashby 29 Sept. 2014 In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the
RUNNING ON EMPTY
In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. He
THE WEALTH OF NOTIONS
My last get-rich scheme didn’t work out too well. I bet the Texans and Cowboys would play in the Super
BARBED WIRE
THE LINE – You don’t often see a store with a large sign by the front door warning not to
THAT’S FINE WITH ME
By Lynn Ashby 8 Sept. 2014 THE COURT ROOM – “Your honor,” I whine, “yes, I have lied and cheated,
PULLING THEIR LEG
WANTED: The State of Texas is looking for a cat burglar. No, not someone who steals cats, but a black-clad
NOT SAM’S CLUB
THE MAILBOX – Here is more junk mail plus the usual ransom notices, threatening letters from debt collectors and
BORDERING ON WEIRD
My fellow Patriots, This is an invitation to a secret meeting of the Texas Militia & Non-Mensas. Maybe you
FRIDAY NIGHT MIGHT
THE HIGH SCHOOL — Workers are getting ready for the most important part of Texas’ high schools’ autumn term. No,
THEY AIN’T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE
THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,
THEY AIN’T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE
THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,
THE BOOT GOES TO BOOT HILL
THE CLOSET – I am ready to come out of the closet. In boots. And I don’t care what Gov.
CHILDREN’S CRUSADE
The kids trek across vast and dangerous lands, then ford a river to get to Texas, fleeing gang violence, gun
GOOD BUY TO TV
THE GARAGE – You may be wondering why this 34-inch Fuzzy Focus TV set is in my garage. No, it’s
A Tale of Two Cities
The Houston-New Orleans Connection by Lynn Ashby 111 DECATUR STREET—On Saturday afternoon, February 25, 1843, Commodore Edwin Ward Moore, commander
A DOG’S LIFE
THE TV – “Boy, is it hot out there,” says the weatherman who is obviously just arrived from Montana. Hey,
PAPER TIGER
Welcome, generation Ys, millennials, baby boomers’ babies or maybe acne-Facebookies, whatever you call yourselves as you connect to one another
POTOMAC FERVER
When was the last time you met, or even saw in person, your Congress member? (We used to say “Congressman”
LOCK, STOCK AND CRACKER BARREL
THE RESTAURANT – What’s on the menu today? Roast beef, shrimp, calves’ liver. You can’t beat calves’ liver except maybe
STATE OF THE STATE
THE LINE – It snakes back and forth like those security rows at the airport, with ropes keeping us in
ANCHORS AWAY
THE TV – “A man was shot last night at the Bar None Cantina and Muffler Repair Shop after
EVERYTHING IS BEACHY KEEN
GALVESTON SEAWALL — We’ve been warned time and again, so we can’t go around yelling, “Why didn’t someone tell us?”
ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?
We have spent a lot of time recently discussing, reading and talking about all the money being raised for the
THRUST AND PERRY
To: Gov. Rick Perry From: Snoop & Peek, PI Subject: Presidential campaign Category: Classified! Governor, as your confidential consultants
CRESCENT ON A ROLL
ANTOINE’S — “”Who is your regular server, Sir?” the maitre de asks. Actually, my regular server is the voice behind
TOUR DE FARCE
THE OPEN ROAD — Well, not exactly. Traffic is stacked up as far as the eye can see, which
SURVEY THE DAMAGE
THE PHONE — “Hi, this is Bonnie Sue. Recently you dealt with Disable Cable. Would you please answer a few
PULL UP THE GANGPLANK THE STREET
By Lynn Ashby 14 April 2014 — Here comes the garbage truck grinding along, stopping, starting, stopping. Wonder what its
A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A SMILE
By Lynn Ashby 7 April 2014 THE VOID — It is spring cleaning time for obsolete and forgotten aspects
OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
OIL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL THE YARD — If I put it right here it might blend in with
THE SEVEN PERCENT SOLUTION
Is anyone else getting Clinton fatigue? Before you take sides according to your political beliefs, is anyone getting
BOOK 'EM, HORNS
My fellow Longhorns, and you Aggies, Cougars, Owls, Spiders (U. of Richmond) and anyone else who attended an institution of
OUR NUMBER'S UP
How many U.S. presidents were born in Texas? How many people watched last season’s Texas top high school football final?
LIQUID ASSETS WITH INTEREST
FORT WORTH — This is the annual meeting of the Philosophical Society of Texas, a little-known group and justifiably so.
Lawrence of Suburbia
JOIN THE GHOST GUARD THE DEN — I am looking out the rear window at a work crew from RotoRobber
GO TO BELL
THE STUDIO — Hi there. You must be the intern who’s gonna fill in for me while I’m on vacation.
GET ON BASE
As the Pentagon begins another round of budget-cutting base closings, Texas Congressional members are trying to gain, rather than lose,
So You Think You Know Houston?
As Anna Nicole Smith may have told Boris Yeltsin By Lynn Ashby Everyone in Houston is from somewhere else, or
AND MONEY MOOOORE
THE TV — There is Dennis Rodman crooning “Happy Birthday” to North Korean dictator and the last person invited
LOSING THE COLD WAR
THE PHARMACY — Sniff-sniff, cough-cough. As you might notice, I’ve got a code in de node. My eyes are red
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE
THE TV SET — “The snow will hit further south, near Ree-FUGE-ee-oh.” I am told that a third to a
BEAT THE PRESS
Today let’s briefly discuss Tetyana Chornovol, Sanderson, Texas, Clint, what we all have in common and why we should care.
BUGGED BY DRUGS
THE MEDICINE CABINET — This is a warning about your health, money, and overly hyped, totally useless bad things we
GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDANCE
What a year it was for Houston! We voted down a plan to save the Astrodome, but our County Commissioners,
YEAR OF THE SNAKE
Campers, the new year is upon us, and what promises 2014 holds for us all. To get a head
TWO CHEERS FOR THE YEAR
What a year it was, fraught with peril, the most important elections in our nation’s history, rancor in Washington and
THOUGHT FOR FOOD
THE RESTAURANT — One of the joys of this booming economy is being able to go out to eat more
ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT
THE LIVING ROOM — Notice this beautiful place, with a long dining table, eight straight-backed chairs, good lighting, drawers for
BORED OF EDUCATION
Howdy, Texas student. A brief word from your beloved State Board of Education or SBOE. You are about to take
DASHING AROUND
THE DRIVEWAY – Slowly, slowly backing out from the garage. I’ve done this a thousand times over the
CEREAL KILLERS
THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting
CEREAL KILLERS
THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting
TWO ON THE ISLE
GALVESTON — In the 1880 U.S. Census, Galveston had the largest population of any city in Texas. Today it is
CLUBS ARE WILD
THE CLUB — Welcome back, old shoe. Sorry we had to temporarily revoke your membership in Club One, a fellowship
THE WENDY CITY
In one of the best political movies ever, “The Candidate,” a starry-eyed do-gooder named Bill McKay, played by
MAKING AMENDS
THE VOTING BOOTH — Actually, this election I am marking my ballot in my breakfast room because the Texas
ARE YOU HOV POSITIVE?
THE FAST LANE — We are all zipping along the EZ Tag lanes where the signs clearly state two passengers
IS THERE A DRAFT IN HERE?
As you know, the hot topic of conversation around the office water cooler is that Swiss voters have chosen to
ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?
Look at the three people standing next to you, but not too closely if you are in a police lineup.
NEST IN LINE
A good way to look at our changing society is through the newspaper comics. The name Daddy Warbucks alone speaks
THE TIPPING POINT
THE RESTAURANT — Here comes the waiter with my that little black folder which holds my check and a breakdown
NOT READY FOR CRIME TIME
Hi, Neighbors. Each month we bring you the local crime report in Running Rats Acres to help you keep abreast
TOMB IT MAY CONCERN
“It is debated as to which was the greater challenge: being legally blind or developing the patience necessary when waging
POOR CIRCULATION
THE BOOK STORE — We are not here to buy a book. They’re old fashioned. Rather, we are here
WATT'S WHAT
THE DEN — These are the Dog Days of Summer. The season begins about July 3 and ends on Aug.
ABOVE OUR QUOTE-A
“Go Cowboys !” – Last words of Joe Hernandez before he was executed at Huntsville. “In Texas, they say, ‘gun
TOO MUCH ON OUR PLATE
THE INTERSECTION — Now that my idiot fellow citizens have voted to remove those video cameras that would take pictures
NOW WHAT DO I DO?
Rick Perry, who has served as Texas governor longer than anyone, says he’s stepping down after this term. At
GROUNDS FOR A SUIT
McDONALD’S — We are here to see if we can turn a quick buck, maybe 100,000 of them or even
ENGLISH WITH A DASH OF SALSA
A requirement in the latest “comprehensive immigration reform bill” (some call it Amnesty International) is that illegal immigrants who qualify
THE CABLE CABAL
THE FRONT DOOR — “Hi,” says a smiling face standing in my doorway. “I’m Billy Tom from your favorite cable
DIS-MEMBERING TEXAS
Who’s your member of the US Congress? Who represents you (or in no way represents you) in the Texas Legislature?
NEIGHBOR HOODS
BLIGHT BULLETINS — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres (RRA). Yes, this is the summer edition
THE DRUGE REPORT
THE RADIO — “This is Wednesday. Hump day,” says the DJ. His reference has nothing to do with camels or
RED LIGHT DISTRICT
THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on
RED LIGHT DISTRICT
THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the radio
SCAM ALOT
“Hi. Grandma. It’s me, (unintelligible). I know I don’t sound normal. I’m sick and in jail. The jail doctor
ORPHANS OF THE STORM
THE TV WEATHER REPORT — “There is a small, low-pressure area just west of Ghana — you can see
GRADUATING GRADUALLY
Good morning, Class of 2013. Welcome to your required college commencement address delivered by someone you never heard of containing
A MOVING EXPERIENCE
THE CURB — Another family is moving into my neighborhood, Running Rats Acres. The van has pulled up to the
RED LIGHT DISTRICT
THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the
GIVE US YOUR WINNERS
Stand by for yet another wave of immigrants. No, not from south of the border or even from college campuses
Russian Vase
JUNKYARD HOG THE ATTIC – These are some dusty Guy Fawkes Day decorations, no doubt made by him and worth
THE LONE STAR PLATE
The Texas Legislature is wrestling with mighty subjects this session, mainly how to repair the damage they did last session
WE PLEDGE OUR TROUGH
Dear Member of Congress, I can no longer refer to you as “Congressman” since 97, or 18.1 percent, of the
NEWSPAPUR KORRECTSHUNS
It is the goal of this newspaper, The Daily Duh, to be as perfect in our job as you think
GIVE ME SOME CREDIT
THE PHONE — “Yes, your credit card has been compromised. But we will send you a new one with a
PIN THE BLAME ON THE DONKEY
The worst job in the state must be head of the Texas Democratic Party. Some poor soul has that job,
HOMEWORK FOR ADULTS
THE OFFICE – Out goes my father’s century-old oaken roll-top and in comes a cheap gun-metal gray desk with Formica
Goodbye, Mister Chips
THE CASINO – Here I am again at the poker table surrounded by the usual suspects. There’s Frisco Fats and
Twin Sister
SISTERS-IN-AWE BRAY’S BAYOU – If you like one of history’s mysteries, this is a good place to start — a
Realm of the Coin
THE COUNTER – “That will be two dollars and 51 cents,” says the clerk. All I’ve got are dollar bills,
THE HEAT IS ON
THE BACK HALL – It’s hard to get too excited about a hot water heater until you step into the
RANKING THE RANKEST
With the Texas Legislature in full swing, perhaps our lawmakers would like to address a situation we shall call Where
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE
We’ve been rejected, turned down, dissed. The Obama Administration says Texas cannot secede. Actually, so did the US Supreme Court
CLEAN SWEEP
THE KITCHEN CABINET – When a lampshade needs cleaning, I turn to Maid in the Shade, my cleaner especially created
DOING THE CHARLESTON
THE SLAVE MARKET – At the time of the American Revolution this place, Charleston, South Carolina, was the richest city
2013 Predictions
THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD It looks like the Mayans were wrong and the year of 2013 has arrived
MORE NEWS THAT’S NOT NEWS
Your Papers Are Not in Order: So afraid are they of moles, snitches and infiltrators, the prison gang Aryan Brotherhood
Houston in 2012
By Lynn Ashby HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM The year of our Lord 2012 was not so heavenly. Still, we’re
THE YEAR OF THE RAT
Stanley Marsh 3 had a bad year. Lance Armstrong did, too. For the Houston Astros it was the worst year
Istanbul not Constantinople
“Poor Mexico: so far from God, and so close to the United States,” Mexican President Porfirio
HOUSE OF CADS
THE FRONT YARD – Across the street from me a new house is rising where, a short time ago, an
BROADWAY, HERE WE COME
So Bick Benedict says: “You all think that the glory happened here in the East, don’t you, with Valley Forge
READING, RITING AND RESTING
THE SCHOOL YARD – Is this a holiday? The reason I am asking is that the local school yard is
STUFF AND NONSENSE
THE ATTIC – It is time to put up the Easter decorations and get down the Christmas ornaments. True, the
SECTS EDUCATION
THE CHURCH – Every time I kneel, they stand. I stand, they sit. Everyone is kneeling and I, alone, am
PEST CONTROL
THE DINNER TABLE – Just as I am explaining to my family why the gold flow affects the NFL playoffs
ONE MAN, ONE VOTE, ONE TIME
How can I put this to you gently? When you vote for the President of the United States, IT WON’T
LICENSED TO CHILL (OUT)
THE LINE – If you are waiting to get your Texas driver’s license, don’t check your watch,
LOST IN TRANSLATION
THE DRY CLEANERS – “Is my black suit ready? The one with the ketchup and bird droppings that needed cleaning
DROP BACK AND PUNDIT
THE ED/OP PAGE – This is my favorite part of the newspaper, especially my own brilliant efforts. It’s the editorial/opinion
DANCIN’ THE PLYMOUTH ROCK
CAPE COD – Have you ever had lobster quiche? How about lobster wieners? Then there are lobster rolls, lobsters steamed,
VOTER TURN-OUT TURNED OFF
Are you alive? Are you sure you’re alive? Not if you are one of 72,000 Texans officially declared taking a
SLEEP ON IT
THE BED – From some far off distant land, before sunrise, there is a strange noise, a wail, a non-stop
CONVENTIONAL WISDOM
Sober up from the Olympics and turn to some real competition: the race between the Democratic and Republican parties to
TAKEN BY STORM
THE DEN – Being a current affairs junkie, my TV is tuned to the news channels most of my waking
IT PROBABLY HAPPENED
Not long ago The Wall Street Journal ran this line: “Boehner drew a line in the sand over the debt
THE CRIMINAL CLASS
THE MAILBOX – Here is the usual stuff I don’t want to receive. Ransom notes, junk mail from my children,
PLAYING CHIKIN
THE DRIVE-IN – The line begins at the pick-up window, winds around the front and snakes down the drive to
PAD IS OUT TO LAUNCH
THE SHOP – Somehow this machine isn’t working as advertised. My iFad, that is. It was given to me by
WELL-WORN WORDS
CLUB CLICHÉ – The chairman, Bottom Line, brought the membership to order as quick as a New York minute and
WE DON’T NEED NO EDUKASHUN
Dear Student, As you no, the State Board of Education has replaced the TASK tests with the TAKS which replaced
GUESS WHO’S COMING TO GUESS?
GUESS WHO’S COMNG TO GUESS? THE BREAKFAST ROOM – We have all been told to get a
25-54 OR FIGHT
This just in: “NBC executives suggest that the impact of the end of the ‘Today’ streak has been overstated, primarily
THE ICEMAN COMETH
THE OFFICE – “Hello, Mister Uhgr Zzzwrrj. I’m Officer Johnson. Welcome to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE
IRELAND – LAND OF IRE
DUBLIN – The weather reports, before I arrived, showed rain, wind and chill, as usual, because this is a soggy
STATE OF ENNUI
Suppose they gave an election and nobody came? That’s what Texas is undergoing. Wonder who’s paying for it? We
THE SHAMROCK AND ROLL
JOHN BENNY’S PUB – A pint of Guinness, waiter, and tell the band to turn up the volume. I can
ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS
Everyone knows the country is rather evenly divided in politics – the U.S. Supreme Court regularly votes 5-4. The GOP
TREE’S COMPANY
THE OTHER HOUSE – I am back in my home away from home in Varicose Valley. As with many such
A MOVEABLE BEAST
THE CURB – Why am I out here in the driving rain selling soggy doughnuts? It’s because my current financial
OVER OUR QUOTE-A
“Once I rob a bank in Texas. Your government get after me with a whole army. Whole army! One little
FILLED UP OR FED UP?
THE GAS PUMP – Look at the prices twirl like cherries and red 7s on the face of a Louisiana
THE 10 PERCENT SOLUTION
AUSTIN – We are here to check on The University of Texas at Austin. Why? Because the U.S. Supreme Court
GRANDSTANDING
Houston has a pro soccer team, the Dynamo, which has a new stadium, and, no matter where you live in
SO SIOUX ME
We must now consider North Dakota University – and why we should care. The school, way up there on the
SCRAPING BY
INTERSTATE 10 — The cars and trucks speed along here on a bright and cheery spring day. The grass is
UP WITH PUT-DOWNS
“I notice in your brain dead typical left wing journalists who have no clue about misery and suffering in America
PASS THE WORD
MY COMPUTER – “The password you gave is incorrect.” So my bank is telling me on my computer screen. I
OPERA IN THREE AXE
Our opera, “Entrare d’Pagliaccio” (“Send in the Clowns”), opens in the small Italian village of Constanto d’Beta where the rivals
CROWNING MYTH TEXAS
Jose Antonio Navarro was a member of the landed gentry from San Antonio who was captured in 1842 by an
PUTTING THE TEXT IN TEXAS
Quick. What was the last picture show in “The Last Picture Show”? What’s the best wood for barbeque, is
Federal Workers
UNCLE SAM’S CLUB As long as there has been a federal government, we have heard that, while the pay is
BRAND KNEW
So these three Texas ranchers are sitting around a saloon and one says to another, “What’s the brand of your
UNCORK THE CAMPAIGN!
We are in the midst of the most expensive presidential campaign in our nation’s history. (No, this race is not
AIR APPARENT
Texas is once more the nation’s leader. No, we’re not talking about the number of children with no health insurance.
HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY
As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s
GOODBY MISTER CHIPS
By Lynn Ashby 16 January 2012 LAS VEGAS – Over there sits Duc Luc, the inscrutable Vietnamese poker
LEND US YOUR YEAR
In San Antonio, Ricardo Jones shot an air gun at a restaurant manager, displayed a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol,
HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY
As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s
THE YEAR OF OUR DISCONTENT
By Lynn Ashby 26 Dec. 2011 How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped
THE YEAR OF OUR DISCONTENT
How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped out hundreds of homes and up to half a billion
Scams are Back
Here is an interesting e-mail. “Dear Wells Fargo Customer, You have been identified as a key person to be a
WHISTLING DIXIE
THE MUSEUM – “This is a map showing the North and the South in 1861,” I say, pointing to a
RAISE THE GANGPLANK
THE INTERSTATE – Just look at this line of cars. Bumper to bumper. Surfboards tied to the roofs, marijuana plants
TOME OF THE UNKNOWN WRITER
Where was I? Oh, yes. Page 2. “Lord Smyth-Smyth will never harm you again, my dear,” young Lieutenant Geoffrey Holcomb-Tarleton,
TANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
Regardless of our political feelings, our loony right- or left-wing tendencies, all Texans must pull for Gov. Rick Perry to
BEWARE OF GEEKS BEARING GIFTS
If I push this button, I get the weather forecast. For Oslo. In Greek. This button takes a photo of
Inept Dems
By Lynn Ashby 24 Oct. 2011 Will Rogers’ oft-quoted observation, “I am not a member of
Driving Me Crazy
Driving in Houston–A Crash Course in Chaos by Lynn Ashby It was famed racing driver and Houstonian A.J. Foyt who
POLLS APART
THE MAIL BOX — Here’s an interesting letter from Americans for a Better America. “As a leader in the community,
MALLED BY AN EXTERMINATOR
THE PARKING LOT – Most people don’t see the front of their car very often, which is why
WELCOME TO TEXAS
We must consider this statement: “Aggies are alums of Perry’s alma mater, Texas A&M.” Uh-oh. Explaining that an Aggie is
CANDY IS DANDY
THE GROCERY STORE – It’s got to be here somewhere. It was here last week. I spot a clerk. “Excuse
OUR SNOUT IN THE TROUGH
The Department of Homeland Security has given the State of Texas at least $1.7 billion in grants since 9/11. The
THE FIRST AGGIE
by Lynn Ashby THE LOBBY – Welcome to the presidential library of former President Rick Perry. First, you may have
CONFERENCE CALL
Goodbye to Texas A-and-M. So long to the maroon and the whi-i-i-ite. Hullabaloo disconnect, disconnect. All their exes live in
Where's the safest place
By Lynn Ashby 5 Sept. 2011 Right after an earthquake, a hurricane hit New York
GIVE ‘EM SMELL
THE TERRACE – A pleasant evening here at my lake house in Varicose Valley – the setting sun, the
DID WE REALLY DO THAT?
Don’t touch that tomato. It might kill you. Same with beer and VinMariani. On the other hand, light up an
Murdoch and Fox
By Lynn Ashby 25 July 2011 FOX GUARDING THE HEN HOUSE THE CELLBLOCK – Oddly enough, my fall from grace
Grounds for Suit
By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2011 GROUNDS FOR A SUIT Soon to be made into a major motion picture. In
Obama Impersonators
By Lynn Ashby 4 July 2011 When impersonator Reggie Brown, who looks and sounds a
Missing Mexico
By Lynn Ashby 27 June 2011 MISSING MEXICO THE TEX-MEX CAFÉ – Enchiladas, tamales, tequila, mariachi music
SARAH PALIN’S AMERICA
When I said that Paul Revere rang the church bells in Boston to alert the British that the Americans were
Out To Dinner With Lynn Ashby
Order 34 is for one hamburger, medium-well, with onions chopped, not sliced, no mustard but lots of cherries. Order 22
Audio Etiquette
By Lynn Ashby 30 May 2011 AUDIO ETIQUETTE THE PHONE – My phone is ringing, so I answer. “Dis is
Don't Mansion It
AUSTIN – Here it sits, surrounded by fences, workers, and four DPS cars plus state troopers. How things have changed
THE YULE TIDE IS OUT THE DINING ROOM
By Lynn Ashby 9 May 2011 – Here’s a little drummer boy, several angels, red balls, green balls, yellow balls,
Get Rich Quick
By Lynn Ashby 25 April 2010 Did you finished paying your income taxes, or did you
Phone Mess
By Lynn Ashby 18 April 2011 THE CABLE GUY No doubt you have been victim to the strange inefficiency of
Locally Grown Food
By Lynn Ashby 11 April 2011 LOCALLY GROAN THE GROCERY STORE – These days we can
First Amendment
Xavier Alvarez appeared at a public meeting of the Three Valleys Municipal Water District in California in 2007 wearing
The Ties That Bind
THE CLOSET – Every decade we all need to go through our closet and clean out the unused stuff. My
Foul Play News, Don't You Snooze, Car Wrecks, Fires, Plus Sex and Booze
Why is our 10 o’clock TV news so bad? Local TV’s nightly newscasts begin with “Good evening,” then proceed to
On the Table
By Lynn Ashby 21 March 2011 At the first budget-cutting meeting the Dems declared, “Everything is on the table.” The
How Texas Ranks
By Lynn Ashby 14 March 2011 We’re Number 1 or maybe 50th. It depends on what we’re discussing, the amount
Ashby's Axiom of Anger
By Lynn Ashby 7 March 2010 Have you read President Obama’s new budget? It explains
Sul Ross and Taxes
By Lynn Ashby 28 February 2011 As our legislators wrestle with their latest budget gap of billions of
Tips
By Lynn Ashby 21 Feb. 2011 THE TV – “Automotives were down due to rumors of a merger among GM,
Texas Population Changes
By Lynn Ashby 14 February 2011 Even as you read this brilliance, numbers crunchers at the U.S. Census
Avoid the Void
By Lynn Ashby 7 Feb. 2011 AVOID THE VOID THE WAREHOUSE – Did you notice that the
Lynn Ashby Reads Your Palm
By Lynn Ashby 31 Jan. 2010 Beware of giant clams. You will find a pile of money or eggplants under
Casino Gambling
By Lynn Ashby 24 January 2010 The Size of Taxes If you like magic, visit our
Texas Trains
By Lynn Ashby 17 January 2011 DE-RAILED, AGAIN It appears once more we will not be
Pocket Change
By Lynn Ashby 3 January 2011 Something cheap in plastic. No point in springing for
Odd News of 2010
By Lynn Ashby 27 Dec. 2010 Let us continue our stroll down memory lane, avoiding the IEDs, before Texas Monthly
Odd News from 2010
By Lynn Ashby 20 December 2010 Thank you Tom DeLay, Joe Barton, candidates and crooks, for giving
Dear Santa
By Lynn Ashby 13 December 2010 Dear Santa, Yes, it’s time again for my Christmas bucket list,
Survivor's Pack
By Lynn Ashby 15 Nov. 2010 THE BUNKER – Flashlight? Check. Books I never got around to
Need a Draft
By Lynn Ashby 8 Nov. 2010 Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently addressed students at Duke University
Texas Quotes
By Lynn Ashby 1 Nov. 2010 “First of all, I was in love with the Alamo when I was 5
The Parking Lot
By Lynn Ashby 25 October 2010 THE PARKING LOT – It is raining and windy, and the
Texas Governors
By Lynn Ashby 18 Oct. 2010 So who do you like for governor? Kathie Glass or Deb
Mr. & Mrs. Newcomer
By Lynn Ashby 4 Oct. 2010 Welcome, Mr./Mrs. Newcomer, If you are one of the 4
Land of Losers
Land Of Losers By Lynn Ashby 27 Sept. 2010 News item: “Abandoned in Baghdad –
Future of Dome
By Lynn Ashby 20 Sept. 2010 THE ASTRODOME – It slumps here, water stains running down
Gubernatorial Debate
By Lynn Ashby 6 Sept. 2010 The problem began when former Houston Mayor Bill White
Mink and Manure
By Lynn Ashby 30 August 2010 THE STORE – The first clue is the parking lot. Intermingled
Separate Checks
By Lynn Ashby 9 August 2010 THE RESTAURANT – Now is the awkward moment of truth, or agony. The waiter
Grocery Store Manners
By Lynn Ashby 12 July 2010 THE COUNTER – You may have heard of Ettorre’s Observation: The
Neighborhood Spies
By Lynn Ashby 19 July 2010 THE FRONT YARD – Here comes my neighbor, Billy George Kudzu, who likes to
Vacation
By Lynn Ashby 5 July 2010 Workers unions in Spain are steamed about changes in their
Death and No Taxes
By Lynn Ashby 21 June 2010 My first indication of the changing situation was when my
Dear Texas School Teacher,
Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your
The Attic
This is a good time to go through junk in my attic, because it’s not too hot. During a Texas
Supreme Insult
24 May 2010 Texas has again been bypassed in the Washington power game. (Whine-whine, sulk-sulk) I am referring, obviously, to
Second Battle of the Alamo
By Lynn Ashby 17 May 2010 Okie: If there was a backdoor to the Alamo,
Good by to Free Newspapers
All good things must come to an end, and now this includes free newspapers. The change is most welcomed because
Texas School Books
By Lynn Ashby 5 April 2010 Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation
How Texas Ranks
By Lynn Ashby 26 March 2010 How good, bad or indifferent are we here in Texas
Happy Texans
Are you happy? How happy? Happier than, say, the residents in New York or California? Worry no more about how
Texas Quotes
When spy novelist Alan Furst was asked why he sold his papers to The University of Texas-Austin, he explained: “It’s
Greetings from Beijing
Mr. Lynn Ashby H Texas Dear Lynn, Greetings from Beijing. Where plans to expand solar power in the United States
The Neighbor's Porch
By Lynn Ashby Just slip this little envelope into the mail slot and leave. They’ll never know who did it.
2009 In Review
What a year it was for Houston. What fantastic events, what great people and wonderful victories. I am referring, obviously,
THE RESTAURANT
by Lynn Ashby The food is overcooked, the waiter is overwhelmed and the menu is overpriced. The bad news is,
The Mall
THE MALL — Colorful eggs, cute baskets and nice spring bonnets are being set up as stores gear up for
The Restaurant
THE RESTAURANT — The food is overcooked, the waiter is overwhelmed and the menu is overpriced. The bad news is,
Post Time Why Houston should still be a two newspaper town
The HOUSTON POST—the newspaper’s old home at the Southwest Freeway and the West Loop is still standing strong—a magnificent structure
Post Time: Why Houston Should Still be a Two-newspaper Town
The Post was the pillar of Houston, and Ashby was its fifth column Post Time: Why Houston Should Still be
Cruise Control How to stay above the ahoy polloi
This special issue of H Texas touts great escapes both near and far. As an international traveler (Nuevo Laredo counts,
A Dine’s Worth of Difference Houston’s out to Lunch (and Dinner, Too)
Houston is known to the outside world for many splendors: oil, gas, traffic and their offspring, smog. Others have heard
Our Forefathers’ Foreplay The Cutting Edge
The best kept secret around here is that Houston has a history. Oh sure, it’s hard to compare our past
2008: The Year of Our….Lordy! (We have nothing to fear but the year itself)
Are we there yet? Have we reached 2009? Maybe we can crawl under the bed until 2008 is over, because
Lynn Ashby on Sam Houston and Bud Adams
If it needs cutting, I’ll do it. Ashby gets historical at the mere mention of Sam Houston. He gets hysterical
Curb Your Mustard Bottles and other tales of curbside calamities
“The city’s shimmering skyline may wear the label of the world’s energy capital, but deep in Houston’s dumpsters lies a
Who Guards the Guards? Texas law enforcement agencies are failing to protect
It’s a good thing we live in Houston where we are safe from crime, guarded by three—count ’em three—layers of
The Freshman Speech What your guidance counselor should have told you
Each year, college graduation ceremonies are held on campuses throughout the nation, and departing students are given wise words of
Galveston, We Have a Problem The solution to Galveston’s economic slump is casinos
July is high tide for tourism in Galveston. At this time of year, Houstonians — and even some Tulsans and
Blowhards Houston’s weather forecasters begin the annual hurricane hysteria
June 1 is the official beginning of hurricane season, marked by the Red Cross tossing out the first doughnut. With
Houston: Insert Catchy Cliché Here Studies determine city has had enough studies
“Houston, we have a problem” must be the most overused cliché (is that redundant?) since “I’m the candidate of change”
Open the floodgates Houston continues to open its heart, arms, land, homes, etc.
Hudnut, a former mayor of Indianapolis, was talking about Houston’s official seal, and was kind enough not to mention that
There goes the neighborhood Un-developers see great potential for the Bayou City
When I read a new group, Houstonians for Responsible Growth, was formed to pressure City Hall to get out of
Louie Welch Remembering the late mayor
When Louie Welch first ran for public office in 1949, two PR consultants told him, “The first thing you’ve got
Facts of Life You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have Houston
You are right. There are more people around town, more cars to take the parking space you want, and we
2008 The year that could be
A great person will die, someone will be elected to an office and rain will fall on Houston in 2008.
Houston Back to the Future
There has been much discussion about Houston’s future. Indeed, is there one? Engineers, historians, urban planners (how do you plan
Rock the Vote Texas secondary when it comes to primaries
Houston, do I have a deal for you. We shall wag the dog and call the shots. Yes, you too,
Gridiron Greatness Texas HS Football still reigns supreme
“In Texas, the week begins on Friday nights.” — CBS newsman Bob Schieffer How true. Have you ever driven across
Life in the Fast Lane How Houstonians and rush hour traffic coexist
THE FREEWAY — Napoleon once credited much of his success to arriving 10 minutes early. We must suppose this talent
What are our Odds? Bringing a little sin to the Bayou City
LAS VEGAS – The neon lights! The buzz of thousands of tourists! The money! The hurly-burly of the Strip lined
Open Forum Houston Summers
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In 2001, the Czech Republic, which formerly was the opening act of Czech & Slovakia, considered an increase on its
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The Year in Review Lynn Ashby looks back at the headlining stories of 2006
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Never Leave Congress Texan representatives refuse to return
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To: The Houston City Council From: The Mayor’s Select Blue Ribbon Committee on Other Blue Ribbon Committees Subject: Houston’s image