Columns

Take Me to Your Litter

AISLE 4 – Cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, kale. Why is kale such a hot item these days? Every yuppy and Gen

A Born Experience

What do Sam Donaldson, Nolan Ryan and Dwight Eisenhower have in common? No, they were not brief members of the

A Portmanteau to Celebrate

GALVESTON – This town has an assortment of neighborhoods such as beautiful old mansions next to pawn shops. The mansions

Follow the Money

THE DEALERSHIP – Oh, hi. I am just picking out what color Lamborghini I’m going to buy. You should do the same, because Big Bux are headed this way. And we deserve to get our share.

Hoax Springs Eternal

THE WATCHTOWER – They are out there somewhere, and I’m going to do my civic and find ‘em, capture ‘em

Getting Down and Dirty

THE YARD – OK, my last get-rich-scheme didn’t work, but how was I to know that Trump would be such

New Kid on the Block and Tackle

One gray winter Sunday night in the 1960s I was working at a New York City newspaper when a colleague

Stations of the Crosshairs

THE TV –“We’ll be back with more shootings, stabbings — lots of yellow police tape — and apartment fires. Speaking

A Moving Experience

THE PHONE – “Hello. I’d like to change my water bill address,” I tell the city water department. “I’m moving

College Dropout

Like you, I stay awake at night worrying about the Electoral College. It doesn’t have much of a football team,

College Humor — Sort Of

Harvey Schmidt has died at the age of 88 in Tomball. No, that should not mean anything to you, although

The Spies of Texas

THE STREET CORNER – There are two interesting looking people standing across the street. Both are wearing cowboy outfits right

Putin’s Puppets

THE TV – I am watching a Senate hearing in which the heads of all our intelligence and anti-intelligence operations

A River Runs Through It

SAN ANTONIO – Here we are, morning at an outdoor café along the town’s River Walk. The sky is blue,

Over Lock, Stock, and Barrel

To our stockholders: It is time once again for our annual report from the Sludge Energy Co., and a good

Every Fire Has Its Place

THE HEARTH – It has been really cold lately, which I hate. Cold weather is God’s revenge for us complaining

When IRS Eyes Are Crying

THE EVENING NEWS – Here is one of Donald Trump’s daughters – I can’t tell which one, they are all

What’s In a Name?

THE MAILBOX – Here are the usual suspects: dunning letters from creditors, ransom notes, rejections from publications (“Quit bothering us

Texas by the Book

THE BOOK REVIEW – It’s much easier to just read a review of a book than having to plow through

The Size of Texas

AUSTIN – The newspapers and local TV here in the state capital constantly rail – OK, bad choice of words

Life in the Future, Tense

THE CALENDAR – Oh what a year, what with competent candidates getting elected, famous people doing famous things and peace

Radio Active

by Lynn Ashby “They are nothing but bunch of traitors and dirty rotten scoundrels. It’s unbelievable.” That’s Sean Hannity. He’s

Worth its Salt

Recently, at Perry’s Steakhouse and Grill, I was lucky enough to sample their new signature cocktail: The Strait Paloma. This

Have a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight

Here’s how to ring in the summer season in H Town. by Warner Roberts It’s here—I know it, you know

A Rare Media, Well Done

THE TV – “It is all the fault of the media elite.” “The media elite hate America, and will do

Bordering On the Ridiculous

THE MAP – They are all here: Houston, Austin, San Antonio and El Paso, except they read San Antonio de

Harvesting Harvey

THE FRONT YARD – No, this is not another poor-little-me Hurricane Harvey story. This is a story of wealth beyond

Bidder Sweet Deal

My latest get-rich-quick scheme didn’t work out as planned. Still, I thought the Hurricane Harvey Weinstein Rebuild & Rehab Center

Split-Second Guessing

THE TV – “Nimrod has a good changeup, but isn’t going to make the playoffs. Mugwump, on the other hand,

Guest Work Without Reservations

THE HOTEL – The nice part about staying in a hotel is that someone else empties your wastebaskets, picks up

Houston: The Melting Pot

  Not to mention the humidity. by Lynn Ashby Tan Tan, Dynasty Plaza, Fu Fu, lots of signs in Chinese

A Damper on the Day

THE DEN – Have you ever had one of those days? The Astros lost, the Texans lost, the Longhorns are

Hypocrites’ Oath

THE FRONT YARD – I am looking at the flotsam and jetsam of what was my house, and it reminds

Without Rhymes or Reasons

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives, Each wife had seven sacks, Each

Texas Gets Dressed Down

by Lynn Ashby THE RESTAURANT – This is a relatively fancy place — not much lipstick on the glasses —

The Art of the Deal

by Lynn Ashby U.S. Rep. John Culberson, a Republican from Houston, is including language in a foreign relations bill urging

ANOTHER LITTER LETTER

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                       24 July 2017   ANOTHER LITTER LETTER To my constituents: From time to time, like every

VAULT-ZING ACROSS TEXAS

By Lynn Ashby                                               3 July 2017                                                VAULT-ZING ACROSS TEXAS   THE BANK – To paraphrase Capital One, what’s in your

LISTING TO THE RITES

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                                    26 June 2017   THE STORE — I am drawing up my Bucket List — a

JUST BE PATIENT, PATIENT

  THE CLINIC —           This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a

JUST BE PATIENT, PATIENT

THE CLINIC —           This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a Republican

NEWS YOU CAN LOSE

AUSTIN – “City Council voted today to increase fees for bigamists…” “TxDOT is limiting the number of mules on I-thirty

EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES

By Lynn Ashby                                                      22 May 2017 As our Texas legislators wrestled with their latest budget gap of billions of

GALVESTON, SANS SANDS

By Lynn Ashby                                                         15 May 2017 THE MUSEUM — Here’s a picture with an inscription: “I am happy to acknowledge

POLS AND POLLS APART

  THE BOARD ROOM – “Hi, I’m with Margin of Error Pollsters, and we’d like to poll the next presidential

NAME THAT TOWN

By Lynn Ashby                                                                                    1 May 2017 A Houstonian, a Dallasite and a Beaumonter walk into a bar and…wait. Why do

LONGHORNING IN

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    24 April 2017 THE JUNGLE – Trees and bushes so thick you couldn’t walk through them, with

CONTACTED BY CONS

THE COMPUTER — “Dear User, Your account has expired, you must renew or your account will be de-activated. Click Here To Renew.” And:

REMEMBER THE A LA MODE

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    10 April 2017 THE ALAMO PLAZA – A man is shouting “Praise Jesus!” as he walks in

WIRE YOU TAPPING?

THE FRONT DOOR – It’s a dark and gloomy night, yet someone is knocking on my door. I open it

A LEAGUE OF OUR OWN

Play ball! Yes, the baseball season is upon us once more. The Lone Star grudge match between Dallas and Houston

TEXAS, THE RANKEST STATE

By Lynn Ashby                                                           13 March 2017 TEXAS, THE RANKEST STATE   Texas, our Texas, all hail the not-so-mighty state that,

Grin and Bear It

WACO – “A vodka, straight, please,” I say. The bartender springs into action. This is most unusual because I am on the campus of Baylor University, the nation’s largest Baptist school, noted for no booze, no smoking and – until recently — no dancing. Oh, and known for an on-going scandal about gang rapes and football players. This is the new (2014) football stadium, originally named Baylor Stadium but changed to Drayton McLane Stadium after a huge gift from the alumni who sold the Houston Astros for $680 million. Also, and this I didn’t know, the City of Waco kicked in $30 million. Wonder if College Station or Austin did the same for their universities?

LOST AND FUND

  THE OFFICE – It’s not here, nor there, either. My long-lost Magna Carta has to be here somewhere. Maybe

TEXAS ON THE FAST TRACK

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    20 Feb. 2017 THE OFFICE – A fast train running between Houston and Dallas is such

 FRIDAY NIGHT FLIGHTS

    TULLY STADIUM – This is where my son and his son played football and where my daughter led

YANKEE, COME HOME

  HOVERING OVER HOUSTON — Fasten your seatbelts, trays up, wheels down. I am flying into Hobby from a trip

Anchor Away

The story of how Dave Ward made the record books (and probably toppled a tyrant) by Lynn Ashby Through winding

THE EYES HAVE IT

    By Lynn Ashby                                                                 30 January 2017   THE EYES HAVE IT   THE KITCHEN — Elderly Chinese gentleman:

YULE GET AROUND TO IT

By Lynn Ashby                                               16 Jan. 2017 THE DEN – Hello, 911? Need to report a burglary. Boxes opened and left

A RARE MEDIUM, WELL DONE

      By Lynn Ashby                                               16 Jan. 2017   A RARE MEDIUM, WELL DONE   THE CLASSROOM — Welcome,

SAYING THE SOOTH

  By Lynn Ashby                                       9 January 2017   A great woman will die, a team will win the World Series

OUR WELL-RED LEADER

                                                        OUR WELL-RED LEADER                  THE TUNNEL — It began a year or so ago when an

BOWLING OVER

  By Lynn Ashby                                           26 Dec. 2016   THE TV – “Down, set, Omaha eight. Black bear forty-seven. Tight right

SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR

  By Lynn Ashby                                                       19 Dec. 2016   SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR   Looking back at the

ALL JOKING ASIDE

  By Lynn Ashby                                                            12 Dec. 2016   ALL JOKING ASIDE   THE LAFF GASP — Thank ya, thank ya,

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS 

By Lynn Ashby                                                                     5 Dec. 2016 THE PC — Did you know that the Pope indorsed Donald Trump for the

TERM LIMITATIONS

  THE MEETING HALL – As usual, our chairman, Bottom Line, called the group to order as quick as a

WHEN A COLLEGE BECOMES A UNIVERSITY

  Did you win or lose in the recent democracy inaction? Probably both. Texas scored big, at least some did,

WE’RE NUMBER 1 — OR MAYBE NOT

    THE OFFICE – I am looking at my choice, but first let’s talk about yours. You wake up

POP OPEN THE CAMPAIGN

  By Lynn Ashby                                               7 Nov. 2016 THE VOTING BOOTH — The fat lady has sung. OK, she’s not really

ONE MAN, ONE VOTE, ONE STATE

  We are constantly being told to vote in this Presidential election. Do we have to? We already know the

THE ICE OF TEXAS

    THE RESTAURANT – Food was good, service, too. Price was right. Quiet, no kids running berserk. What a

LOCKER ROOM? NO, LOCKER UP!

    Dear Patriotic American, We at the Republican National Committee (RNC) are writing you as a leader in your

A DIFFERENT TRAIN OF THOUGHT

    CHAMBERS COUNTY – “Good morning, America. How are ya? I’m the train they call the City of New

THE PLOT THICKENS

By Lynn Ashby                                                                      10 Oct. 2016 THE CEMETERY – This is a family reunion, although I shall do all the

A CLASS ACT

    THE SCHOOL GYM — “Billy Ralph. Good to see you. How’s MinnieMay?” “She ran off with a shepherd,

TV or Not TV?

By Lynn Ashby                                             26 Sept. 2016 THE TUBE – “All new! Fantastic drama! Laff riot!” The TV networks are telling

SHIP WITHOUT A FULL DECK

    Fasten the mizzen mast! Splike the nimrods and be quick about it, mates. Why this nautical mood? Because

MORE LIKE STINK TANKS

This multi-million dollar glass and steel beauty in the heart of Washington’s prime real estate used to be my office

  CAMPING IN THE PRESENT TENTS 

Dear Mom and Dad, Camp Wanakawa is really great. So is the food. I like my counselors and I’ve met

MURDER MOST MYSTERIOUS

HUNT – This part of Texas along the banks of the Guadalupe River is one of the most beautiful in

TAKE ME TO YOUR LITTER

  THE OFFICE – It’s here somewhere, maybe under this pile of magazines which is under a pile of books.

HOW TO RUN A GOVERNMENT

  Our Congress is in recess. Again. They have more recesses than a kindergarten class and do less. At such

ANYONE BUT ONE OF THE ABOVE

British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned this past July 11. Two days later, the Brits had a new prime minister,

Dew Make Your Point

  By Lynn Ashby                                                             25 July 2016   THE TV – “It will hit a hundred and ten degrees, maybe

WASP Without a Sting

By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2016 WASP Without a Sting How are you doing with your guilt trip? Have you

New Party Animal: the Chameleon

    The candidate does not have the temperament to be president. Do you want that finger on the nuclear

TIME OF THE SIGNS

  THE BLIGHT BULLETIN — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres. It’s about those campaign signs,

REALM OF THE COIN

  GALVESTON – This is the Rosenberg Library Museum (“The oldest free public library in Texas”) which is showing a

SUNDAY MORNING GUNNIN’ DOWN

    THE DEN – Stay down! Don’t go near the windows! I need a periscope to see what’s going

POCKETS OF RESISTENCE

  The U.S. Marine Corps is currently fighting two wars, and taking casualties in both. The number of active duty

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A SOLUTION

HOUSTON – Just look around you. White people, black people, more and more yellow people, brown people, those who speak

A SICK STUDENT BODY 

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    9 May 2016 School is almost over for high school seniors, and they are already making plans

NO LAUGHING MATTER

THE TV – “President Obama walks into a bar and asks for a black Russian. The bartender says — oh

  THINK OUTSIDE THE BALLOT BOX

By Lynn Ashby                                             25 April 2016   To: All Patriotic Texans From: Another Patriotic Texan Subject: Voter Fraud Fellow God-fearing,

THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                        18 April 2016 THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER THE REFRIGERATOR – A warm spring afternoon, time

THE SIZE OF TAXES ARE UPON US

THE DINING ROOM TABLE — If I deduct line 34-J from the total of lines 3-R and the leftovers of

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS

  THE DEN – Tonight is time for a good book. There is “The Wit and Wisdom of Sarah Palin”

LIFTING HEAVY WAITS

  THE KITCHEN – Not again. My ice dispenser doesn’t seem to be working, I’ll will have to call the

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT US

  WITH SANTA ANNA — Day after day I march through soggy fields, open salt grass, past farms and villages

HOOKED BY THE HORNS

Amidst the internal turmoil at The University of Texas at Austin, we now have a new battle involving the entire

Bridge of Sighs

What to do with the Pierce Elevated?

SEEN OF THE CRIME

By Lynn Ashby                                                                     29 Feb. 2016 THE PARKING LOT – I just witnessed a crime, so pay attention, because my

NO BELT-TIGHTENING AROUND THE WASTE

THE POST OFFICE – My next fortune is going to be made selling the U.S. Postal Service “Next Window Please”

THE LINE’S SHARE

By Lynn Ashby                                                         15 Feb. 2016 THE ABACUS – Let’s see. One point one million divided by 34 million, or

STABBING THE ESTABLISHMENT

By Lynn Ashby                                                8 Feb. 2016 THE TV – “I am running against the Establishment.” “If elected, I shall

STATUE OF LIMITATIONS

By Lynn Ashby                                                        1 Feb. 2016 HERMANN PARK –It is a busy Saturday afternoon, with joggers, walkers, zoo visitors. Sunny,

BETTER UNREAD THAN DEAD

By Lynn Ashby                                                            25 Jan. 2016   Good news! Last year at least 69 journalists were killed around the world

HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    18 Jan. 2016   The Bayou City came through 2015 relatively unscathed. Yes, there was the downturn

A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

By Lynn Ashby                                                                      11 Jan, 2916   THE KITCHEN TABLE – Ah, yes. This is exactly what I ordered,

PREDICTIONS’ PREDICAMENTS

By Lynn Ashby                                      3 Jan. 2016 It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear

SLIPPERY SLOPE

By Lynn Ashby                                           28 Dec. 2015 THE SHOWER – I wrap a towel around me, then very slowly I grab

AND GOOD RIDDANCE

  By Lynn Ashby                               21 Dec. 2016 What a year it was. 2015 lasted 365 days, but it seems longer.

PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD

  By Lynn Ashby                                                        14 Dec. 2015   PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD   What do Donald Trump, the Longhorn Network

A PLOY NAMED SUE

  EAST OF AUSTIN – State Highway 71 along here is bumpy, but is far better than some of our

WHO WAS THAT MOSQUE MAN?

THE CURB – Here I am performing my weekly task to create a greener planet, add to the beauty of

THE LONE STAR SLATE

I blame John Nance Garner for our problem. Yes, Cactus Jack from that incubator of national leaders, Uvalde, Texas, is

THE BUCK STOPS HERE

THE TV – “…and, if elected, I shall balance the budget, make good things happen, cure cancer,… “ Gad, the

POLES APART

By Lynn Ashby                                                9 Nov. 2015 THE FRONT YARD – Time to run it up the flagpole and see

STICKER SHOCK

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    2 Nov. 2015 STICKER SHOCK   To: All Texas Principles From: State Board of Education Subject: Slight

REDUNDANT, AGAIN

By Lynn Ashby                                                   26 Oct. 2015 THE MEETING HALL – As usual, Bottom Line took the podium faster than a

PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS BOXES

By Lynn Ashby                                                           19 Oct. 2015 MONTICELLO – We have come to this beautiful countryside of Virginia to look into

A MOVING EXPERIENCE

THE STREET – Another moving van has pulled up to the old McToxic place. From the van, out come the

TAKE A TRUNCHEON TO LUNCHEON

To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Well done!   My fellow patriots, Washington has

NEEDED: MORE SPACE IN SPACE CITY

  THE LIVING ROOM – The couch can easily hold two, three if they squeeze. Put a mattress in the

SCHEME OF THE CROP

My recent get-rich-quick schemes had turned into get-broke-even-quicker schemes. I had opened the Donald Trump Barber College & Humility School.

ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?

By Lynn Ashby 14 Sept. 2015 THE BANK – Remembering the $1,200 I had already received, I am checking out

2015 IS A VERY GOOD YEAR

By Lynn Ashby                                7 Sept. 2015 THE HILL COUNTRY – For years in late summer, peaches were the purchase of

Where Do We Go from Here?

A Roadmap for Houston’s (Possible) Future by Lynn Ashby You know Houston is on a roll. Boom, boom, boom, with

PHONE-Y ADVICE

By Lynn Ashby                                                             31 August 2015 Luigi gets off the plane from the old country and soon buys a

TAKE IT ON THE LAMB

  Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow; and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was

THE 0.1 PERCENT SOLUTION

Many major elections have given us some catchy phrases, such as, “54-40 or fight,” which I believe was the score

THROW IN THE TOWEL

AUSTIN – Remember Yogi Berra’s famous quote? “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” I suppose the opposite of that

TRIPPING OVER THE LIGHT, FANTASTIC

TRIPPING OVER THE LIGHT, FANTASTIC   THE DEN – The couch is over here, so the coffee table must be….OUCH!

THE ARTFUL DODGERS

By Lynn Ashby 3 Aug. 2015  Presidential candidate Donald Trump has raised a ruckus by saying that Sen. John McCain

GET OUT THE AIRBUSH

When Nikolai Yezhov, a top Soviet official, got on the wrong side of Stalin and the front side of a

QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS

There has been a lot of confusion about the 2015 presidential races, so once again as the Answer Man, I

COUNTING YOUR CHICKENS

           THE SHOW ROOM – As expected, I found you here, checking out the 2016 Lamborghinis. I am thinking the

THE SIZE OF TEXAS IS UPON US

By Lynn Ashby                                                6 July 2015       AUSTIN – The traffic on I-35 is stopped dead both ways,

TO THE RESCUE — AGAIN

VARICOSE VALLEY – This is my small abode I visit for weekends and during times I need to get away

STATUE OF LIMITATIONS

If we could change history, I probably would have picked Poland over Germany and given Custer the edge. Alas, we

VAULTS ACROSS TEXAS

MY BACK YARD – Just dig a big hole, dump the bars in here, cover them up, and the problem

LOST IN TRANSPORTATION

SOUTH OF SOMEWHERE – If I take a right at the next intersection, then a left and another left, I

LISTING TO THE NORTH

By Lynn Ashby                                                25 May 2015 So you are in the bottom of the eighth inning, or maybe the top

TOO GOOD TO PASS UP

  MY COMPUTER – Today there is new email, rather than the usual dunning notices from MassiveCharge, the IRS and/or

New Heads on the Block

What every pilgrim should know by Lynn Ashby So you’re new to Houston. Big deal. So was everyone here, at

WHO’S ON FIRST, ABBOTT?

To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Defending Texas!!!   My fellow patriots, Washington is

AUSTIN-TATIOUS

The late columnist Molly Ivins often told the story of Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis addressing a group of wheelchair-bound

FAN FARE FOR THE COMMON FAN

By Lynn Ashby                                                 27 April 2015 Peter O’Reilly, the NFL’s senior vice president of events, recently visited NRG Stadium, aka

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

THE ROADSIDE – You may be wondering why I am sitting here, stopped along a busy street, with a patrol

Born Abroad

  YOUR PAPERS, PLEASE   Anyone can spot events as they are occurring, but once again you and I are

Return of the Lone Star

  LONE STAR RISING, ALMOST   The U.S. Supreme Court has been dealing with the Texas state government’s refusal to

TRIGGER-NOMETRY 101

TRIGGER-NOMETRY 101   THE PARKING LOT –Driving to this convenience store at my weekend getaway in Varicose Valley, I suddenly

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

  Ski Texas! Go south to Canada! You can’t arrest me, officer. I’m a diplomat! All this will be true

ROOMS FOR IMPROVEMENT

THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to

ROOMS FOR IMPROVEMENT

THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to

ARE WE WHERE YET?

SOUTH OF SEVEN OAKS — “Turn left at the next peacock crossing.” The Voice Lady in the dashboard is still

ADMISSIONS OF GILT

So you want you or your kid or that cousin wearing the ankle monitor to get into The University of

MISSION UN-POSSIBLE MOSCOW

By Lynn Ashby 23 Feb. 2015  — No, this one is in deep East Texas, a pleasant little town and

PONTIFICATE-GATE

THE DEN – Let’s see what’s on TV this Sunday morning. Yes, the talking heads, waxing wisely on various subjects.

LICENSED TO BILL

  THE FRONT DOOR – “Hi, I’m Leon, here to fix your garbage disposal. I was told some idiot put

GOODBYE MISTER CHIPS

  THE CASINO — Phat Duc, that inscrutable Asian hiding behind his dark glasses, takes another drag on his cigarette,

BUT FEAR ITSELF

THE TV – “In other news,” the anchorman intones, then goes on to tell about wars, hopes for peace, etc.

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE

  THE TOBACCONIST – This is where I pick up my imported cigars, especially rolled for me by a little

BEAT THE PRESS

THE OFFICE — Look to the left of that tree. It’s another tree, or so I’m supposed to think. That

AWAY ALL QUOTES!

“I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” — Willie

THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD

THE GROCERY STORE – Every year about this time these trashy magazines we see in racks by the checkout counter

PREDICTIONS’ PREDICAMENTS

It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear and trepidation. Either way, we now

OUR YEAR OF TEARS

Houston, we don’t have a problem. Well, some problems. True, 2014 was when we saw big changes in sports, plus

THE YEAR OF THE RAT

By Lynn Ashby                                            22 Dec. 2014     What a year it was! Military victories, parades, the troops came home,

OUT IN THE COLD

THE KITCHEN – Here it is, my new refrigerator. You probably have such an appliance in your home, most people

A NOTION OF IMMIGRANTS

One night I was having dinner in an eatery when the owner came over and said, “Mee-stur HASH-bee, you have

BITE THE BALLOT

  THE PARTY – “So what do you think about the elections?” I ask a total stranger, trying to make

AS BIG AS TEXAS

THE OPEN ROAD – As good highway drivers, we keep a sharp eye out for slick roads, dangerous curves and,

MIDNIGHT MADNESS

GALVESTON – Splice the drumstick, marinate the trampoline, and look lively about it! For we are at this beach resort

AN ID-EAL SITUATION

You have already voted, the ballots either have been counted or are being re-counted, depending whether the LBJ School of

AWAY ALL QUOTES!

  “I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” —

Houston: The Rankest City

by Lynn Ashby Our Number 1 is up We all know that Houston is home to the world’s largest medical

FUNDS AND GAMES

FROM: The Hon. Gov. Rick Perry TO: Any Texan or Wannabe Texan Do you have an idea for a new

ONE-TRACK MIND

THE COACH — As the train knifes through the night like a silver snake, there are sounds of a struggle,

NORTHERN EXPOSURE

THE CAFÉ – Ah, yes, a little French music, French soup, croissants, and I can’t understand a word the yuppies

GUNS ‘N’ POSES

Dear neighbors, Some of you have been asking your board of directors about our new Running Rats Acres Police Department

RUNNING ON EMPTY

By Lynn Ashby 29 Sept. 2014 In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the

RUNNING ON EMPTY

In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. He

THE WEALTH OF NOTIONS

My last get-rich scheme didn’t work out too well. I bet the Texans and Cowboys would play in the Super

BARBED WIRE

THE LINE – You don’t often see a store with a large sign by the front door warning not to

THAT’S FINE WITH ME

By Lynn Ashby                                  8 Sept. 2014 THE COURT ROOM – “Your honor,” I whine, “yes, I have lied and cheated,

PULLING THEIR LEG

WANTED: The State of Texas is looking for a cat burglar. No, not someone who steals cats, but a black-clad

NOT SAM’S CLUB

  THE MAILBOX – Here is more junk mail plus the usual ransom notices, threatening letters from debt collectors and

BORDERING ON WEIRD

  My fellow Patriots, This is an invitation to a secret meeting of the Texas Militia & Non-Mensas. Maybe you

FRIDAY NIGHT MIGHT

THE HIGH SCHOOL — Workers are getting ready for the most important part of Texas’ high schools’ autumn term. No,

THEY AIN’T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE

THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,

THEY AIN’T JUST WHISTLING DIXIE

THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,

THE BOOT GOES TO BOOT HILL

THE CLOSET – I am ready to come out of the closet. In boots. And I don’t care what Gov.

CHILDREN’S CRUSADE

The kids trek across vast and dangerous lands, then ford a river to get to Texas, fleeing gang violence, gun

GOOD BUY TO TV

THE GARAGE – You may be wondering why this 34-inch Fuzzy Focus TV set is in my garage. No, it’s

A Tale of Two Cities

The Houston-New Orleans Connection by Lynn Ashby 111 DECATUR STREET—On Saturday afternoon, February 25, 1843, Commodore Edwin Ward Moore, commander

A DOG’S LIFE

THE TV – “Boy, is it hot out there,” says the weatherman who is obviously just arrived from Montana. Hey,

PAPER TIGER

Welcome, generation Ys, millennials, baby boomers’ babies or maybe acne-Facebookies, whatever you call yourselves as you connect to one another

POTOMAC FERVER

When was the last time you met, or even saw in person, your Congress member? (We used to say “Congressman”

LOCK, STOCK AND CRACKER BARREL

THE RESTAURANT – What’s on the menu today? Roast beef, shrimp, calves’ liver. You can’t beat calves’ liver except maybe

STATE OF THE STATE

THE LINE – It snakes back and forth like those security rows at the airport, with ropes keeping us in

ANCHORS AWAY

  THE TV – “A man was shot last night at the Bar None Cantina and Muffler Repair Shop after

EVERYTHING IS BEACHY KEEN

GALVESTON SEAWALL — We’ve been warned time and again, so we can’t go around yelling, “Why didn’t someone tell us?”

ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?

We have spent a lot of time recently discussing, reading and talking about all the money being raised for the

THRUST AND PERRY

To: Gov. Rick Perry From: Snoop & Peek, PI Subject: Presidential campaign Category: Classified!   Governor, as your confidential consultants

CRESCENT ON A ROLL

ANTOINE’S — “”Who is your regular server, Sir?” the maitre de asks. Actually, my regular server is the voice behind

TOUR DE FARCE

  THE OPEN ROAD — Well, not exactly. Traffic is stacked up as far as the eye can see, which

SURVEY THE DAMAGE

THE PHONE — “Hi, this is Bonnie Sue. Recently you dealt with Disable Cable. Would you please answer a few

PULL UP THE GANGPLANK THE STREET

By Lynn Ashby 14 April 2014  — Here comes the garbage truck grinding along, stopping, starting, stopping. Wonder what its

A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A SMILE

By Lynn Ashby                                                  7 April 2014 THE VOID — It is spring cleaning time for obsolete and forgotten aspects

OIL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

OIL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL   THE YARD — If I put it right here it might blend in with

THE SEVEN PERCENT SOLUTION

                            Is anyone else getting Clinton fatigue? Before you take sides according to your political beliefs, is anyone getting

BOOK 'EM, HORNS

My fellow Longhorns, and you Aggies, Cougars, Owls, Spiders (U. of Richmond) and anyone else who attended an institution of

OUR NUMBER'S UP

How many U.S. presidents were born in Texas? How many people watched last season’s Texas top high school football final?

LIQUID ASSETS WITH INTEREST

FORT WORTH — This is the annual meeting of the Philosophical Society of Texas, a little-known group and justifiably so.

Lawrence of Suburbia

JOIN THE  GHOST GUARD THE DEN — I am looking out the rear window at a work crew from RotoRobber

GO TO BELL

THE STUDIO — Hi there. You must be the intern who’s gonna fill in for me while I’m on vacation.

GET ON BASE

As the Pentagon begins another round of budget-cutting base closings, Texas Congressional members are trying to gain, rather than lose,

So You Think You Know Houston?

As Anna Nicole Smith may have told Boris Yeltsin By Lynn Ashby Everyone in Houston is from somewhere else, or

AND MONEY MOOOORE

  THE TV — There is Dennis Rodman crooning “Happy Birthday” to North Korean dictator and the last person invited

LOSING THE COLD WAR

THE PHARMACY — Sniff-sniff, cough-cough. As you might notice, I’ve got a code in de node. My eyes are red

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE

THE TV SET — “The snow will hit further south, near Ree-FUGE-ee-oh.” I am told that a third to a

BEAT THE PRESS

Today let’s briefly discuss Tetyana Chornovol, Sanderson, Texas, Clint, what we all have in common and why we should care.

BUGGED BY DRUGS

THE MEDICINE CABINET — This is a warning about your health, money, and overly hyped, totally useless bad things we

GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDANCE

What a year it was for Houston! We voted down a plan to save the Astrodome, but our County Commissioners,

YEAR OF THE SNAKE

  Campers, the new year is upon us, and what promises 2014 holds for us all. To get a head

TWO CHEERS FOR THE YEAR

What a year it was, fraught with peril, the most important elections in our nation’s history, rancor in Washington and

THOUGHT FOR FOOD

THE RESTAURANT — One of the joys of this booming economy is being able to go out to eat more

ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT

THE LIVING ROOM — Notice this beautiful place, with a long dining table, eight straight-backed chairs, good lighting, drawers for

BORED OF EDUCATION

Howdy, Texas student. A brief word from your beloved State Board of Education or SBOE. You are about to take

DASHING AROUND

    THE DRIVEWAY – Slowly, slowly backing out from the garage. I’ve done this a thousand times over the

CEREAL KILLERS

THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting

CEREAL KILLERS

THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting

TWO ON THE ISLE

GALVESTON — In the 1880 U.S. Census, Galveston had the largest population of any city in Texas. Today it is

CLUBS ARE WILD

THE CLUB — Welcome back, old shoe. Sorry we had to temporarily revoke your membership in Club One, a fellowship

THE WENDY CITY

              In one of the best political movies ever, “The Candidate,” a starry-eyed do-gooder named Bill McKay, played by

MAKING AMENDS

  THE VOTING BOOTH — Actually, this election I am marking my ballot in my breakfast room because the Texas

ARE YOU HOV POSITIVE?

THE FAST LANE —  We are all zipping along the EZ Tag lanes where the signs clearly state two passengers

IS THERE A DRAFT IN HERE?

As you know, the hot topic of conversation around the office water cooler is that Swiss voters have chosen to

ARE WE HAVING FUNDS YET?

Look at the three people standing next to you, but not too closely if you are in a police lineup.

NEST IN LINE

A good way to look at our changing society is through the newspaper comics. The name Daddy Warbucks alone speaks

THE TIPPING POINT

THE RESTAURANT — Here comes the waiter with my that little black folder which holds my check and a breakdown

NOT READY FOR CRIME TIME

Hi, Neighbors. Each month we bring you the local crime report in Running Rats Acres to help you keep abreast

TOMB IT MAY CONCERN

“It is debated as to which was the greater challenge: being legally blind or developing the patience necessary when waging

POOR CIRCULATION

            THE BOOK STORE — We are not here to buy a book. They’re old fashioned. Rather, we are here

WATT'S WHAT

THE DEN — These are the Dog Days of Summer. The season begins about July 3 and ends on Aug.

ABOVE OUR QUOTE-A

“Go Cowboys !” – Last words of Joe Hernandez before he was executed at Huntsville. “In Texas, they say, ‘gun

TOO MUCH ON OUR PLATE

THE INTERSECTION — Now that my idiot fellow citizens have voted to remove those video cameras that would take pictures

NOW WHAT DO I DO?

            Rick Perry, who has served as Texas governor longer than anyone, says he’s stepping down after this term. At

GROUNDS FOR A SUIT

McDONALD’S — We are here to see if we can turn a quick buck, maybe 100,000 of them or even

ENGLISH WITH A DASH OF SALSA

A requirement in the latest “comprehensive immigration reform bill” (some call it Amnesty International) is that illegal immigrants who qualify

THE CABLE CABAL

THE FRONT DOOR — “Hi,” says a smiling face standing in my doorway. “I’m Billy Tom from your favorite cable

DIS-MEMBERING TEXAS

Who’s your member of the US Congress? Who represents you (or in no way represents you) in the Texas Legislature?

NEIGHBOR HOODS

BLIGHT BULLETINS — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres (RRA). Yes, this is the summer edition

THE DRUGE REPORT

THE RADIO — “This is Wednesday. Hump day,” says the DJ. His reference has nothing to do with camels or

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

    THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the radio

SCAM ALOT

  “Hi. Grandma. It’s me, (unintelligible). I know I don’t sound normal. I’m sick and in jail. The jail doctor

ORPHANS OF THE STORM

  THE TV WEATHER REPORT — “There is a small, low-pressure area just west of Ghana — you can see

GRADUATING GRADUALLY

Good morning, Class of 2013. Welcome to your required college commencement address delivered by someone you never heard of containing

A MOVING EXPERIENCE

THE CURB — Another family is moving into my neighborhood, Running Rats Acres. The van has pulled up to the

RED LIGHT DISTRICT

  THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the

GIVE US YOUR WINNERS

Stand by for yet another wave of immigrants. No, not from south of the border or even from college campuses

Russian Vase

JUNKYARD HOG THE ATTIC – These are some dusty Guy Fawkes Day decorations, no doubt made by him and worth

THE LONE STAR PLATE

The Texas Legislature is wrestling with mighty subjects this session, mainly how to repair the damage they did last session

WE PLEDGE OUR TROUGH

Dear Member of Congress, I can no longer refer to you as “Congressman” since 97, or 18.1 percent, of the

NEWSPAPUR KORRECTSHUNS

It is the goal of this newspaper, The Daily Duh, to be as perfect in our job as you think

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT

THE PHONE — “Yes, your credit card has been compromised. But we will send you a new one with a

PIN THE BLAME ON THE DONKEY

The worst job in the state must be head of the Texas Democratic Party. Some poor soul has that job,

HOMEWORK FOR ADULTS

THE OFFICE – Out goes my father’s century-old oaken roll-top and in comes a cheap gun-metal gray desk with Formica

Goodbye, Mister Chips

THE CASINO – Here I am again at the poker table surrounded by the usual suspects. There’s Frisco Fats and

Twin Sister

SISTERS-IN-AWE BRAY’S BAYOU – If you like one of history’s mysteries, this is a good place to start — a

Realm of the Coin

THE COUNTER – “That will be two dollars and 51 cents,” says the clerk. All I’ve got are dollar bills,

THE HEAT IS ON

THE BACK HALL – It’s hard to get too excited about a hot water heater until you step into the

RANKING THE RANKEST

With the Texas Legislature in full swing, perhaps our lawmakers would like to address a situation we shall call Where

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SECEDE

We’ve been rejected, turned down, dissed. The Obama Administration says Texas cannot secede. Actually, so did the US Supreme Court

CLEAN SWEEP

THE KITCHEN CABINET – When a lampshade needs cleaning, I turn to Maid in the Shade, my cleaner especially created

DOING THE CHARLESTON

THE SLAVE MARKET – At the time of the American Revolution this place, Charleston, South Carolina, was the richest city

2013 Predictions

    THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD It looks like the Mayans were wrong and the year of 2013 has arrived

MORE NEWS THAT’S NOT NEWS

Your Papers Are Not in Order: So afraid are they of moles, snitches and infiltrators, the prison gang Aryan Brotherhood

Houston in 2012

By Lynn Ashby HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM The year of our Lord 2012 was not so heavenly. Still, we’re

THE YEAR OF THE RAT

Stanley Marsh 3 had a bad year. Lance Armstrong did, too. For the Houston Astros it was the worst year

Istanbul not Constantinople

        “Poor Mexico: so far from God, and so close to the United States,” Mexican President Porfirio

HOUSE OF CADS

THE FRONT YARD – Across the street from me a new house is rising where, a short time ago, an

BROADWAY, HERE WE COME

So Bick Benedict says: “You all think that the glory happened here in the East, don’t you, with Valley Forge

READING, RITING AND RESTING

THE SCHOOL YARD – Is this a holiday? The reason I am asking is that the local school yard is

STUFF AND NONSENSE

THE ATTIC – It is time to put up the Easter decorations and get down the Christmas ornaments. True, the

SECTS EDUCATION

THE CHURCH – Every time I kneel, they stand. I stand, they sit. Everyone is kneeling and I, alone, am

PEST CONTROL

THE DINNER TABLE – Just as I am explaining to my family why the gold flow affects the NFL playoffs

ONE MAN, ONE VOTE, ONE TIME

How can I put this to you gently? When you vote for the President of the United States, IT WON’T

LICENSED TO CHILL (OUT)

      THE LINE – If you are waiting to get your Texas driver’s license, don’t check your watch,

LOST IN TRANSLATION

THE DRY CLEANERS – “Is my black suit ready? The one with the ketchup and bird droppings that needed cleaning

DROP BACK AND PUNDIT

THE ED/OP PAGE – This is my favorite part of the newspaper, especially my own brilliant efforts. It’s the editorial/opinion

DANCIN’ THE PLYMOUTH ROCK

CAPE COD – Have you ever had lobster quiche? How about lobster wieners? Then there are lobster rolls, lobsters steamed,

VOTER TURN-OUT TURNED OFF

Are you alive? Are you sure you’re alive? Not if you are one of 72,000 Texans officially declared taking a

SLEEP ON IT

THE BED – From some far off distant land, before sunrise, there is a strange noise, a wail, a non-stop

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

Sober up from the Olympics and turn to some real competition: the race between the Democratic and Republican parties to

TAKEN BY STORM

THE DEN – Being a current affairs junkie, my TV is tuned to the news channels most of my waking

IT PROBABLY HAPPENED

Not long ago The Wall Street Journal ran this line: “Boehner drew a line in the sand over the debt

THE CRIMINAL CLASS

THE MAILBOX – Here is the usual stuff I don’t want to receive. Ransom notes, junk mail from my children,

PLAYING CHIKIN

THE DRIVE-IN – The line begins at the pick-up window, winds around the front and snakes down the drive to

PAD IS OUT TO LAUNCH

THE SHOP – Somehow this machine isn’t working as advertised. My iFad, that is. It was given to me by

WELL-WORN WORDS

CLUB CLICHÉ – The chairman, Bottom Line, brought the membership to order as quick as a New York minute and

WE DON’T NEED NO EDUKASHUN

Dear Student, As you no, the State Board of Education has replaced the TASK tests with the TAKS which replaced

GUESS WHO’S COMING TO GUESS?

      GUESS WHO’S COMNG TO GUESS? THE BREAKFAST ROOM – We have all been told to get a

25-54 OR FIGHT

This just in: “NBC executives suggest that the impact of the end of the ‘Today’ streak has been overstated, primarily

THE ICEMAN COMETH

THE OFFICE – “Hello, Mister Uhgr Zzzwrrj. I’m Officer Johnson. Welcome to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE

IRELAND – LAND OF IRE

DUBLIN – The weather reports, before I arrived, showed rain, wind and chill, as usual, because this is a soggy

STATE OF ENNUI

            Suppose they gave an election and nobody came? That’s what Texas is undergoing. Wonder who’s paying for it? We

THE SHAMROCK AND ROLL

JOHN BENNY’S PUB – A pint of Guinness, waiter, and tell the band to turn up the volume. I can

ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS

Everyone knows the country is rather evenly divided in politics – the U.S. Supreme Court regularly votes 5-4. The GOP

TREE’S COMPANY

THE OTHER HOUSE – I am back in my home away from home in Varicose Valley. As with many such

A MOVEABLE BEAST

THE CURB – Why am I out here in the driving rain selling soggy doughnuts? It’s because my current financial

OVER OUR QUOTE-A

“Once I rob a bank in Texas. Your government get after me with a whole army. Whole army! One little

FILLED UP OR FED UP?

THE GAS PUMP – Look at the prices twirl like cherries and red 7s on the face of a Louisiana

THE 10 PERCENT SOLUTION

AUSTIN – We are here to check on The University of Texas at Austin. Why? Because the U.S. Supreme Court

GRANDSTANDING

Houston has a pro soccer team, the Dynamo, which has a new stadium, and, no matter where you live in

SO SIOUX ME

We must now consider North Dakota University – and why we should care. The school, way up there on the

SCRAPING BY

INTERSTATE 10 — The cars and trucks speed along here on a bright and cheery spring day. The grass is

UP WITH PUT-DOWNS

“I notice in your brain dead typical left wing journalists who have no clue about misery and suffering in America

PASS THE WORD

MY COMPUTER – “The password you gave is incorrect.” So my bank is telling me on my computer screen. I

OPERA IN THREE AXE

Our opera, “Entrare d’Pagliaccio” (“Send in the Clowns”), opens in the small Italian village of Constanto d’Beta where the rivals

CROWNING MYTH TEXAS

Jose Antonio Navarro was a member of the landed gentry from San Antonio who was captured in 1842 by an

PUTTING THE TEXT IN TEXAS

  Quick. What was the last picture show in “The Last Picture Show”? What’s the best wood for barbeque, is

Federal Workers

UNCLE SAM’S CLUB As long as there has been a federal government, we have heard that, while the pay is

BRAND KNEW

So these three Texas ranchers are sitting around a saloon and one says to another, “What’s the brand of your

UNCORK THE CAMPAIGN!

We are in the midst of the most expensive presidential campaign in our nation’s history. (No, this race is not

AIR APPARENT

Texas is once more the nation’s leader. No, we’re not talking about the number of children with no health insurance.

HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s

GOODBY MISTER CHIPS

By  Lynn Ashby                                    16 January 2012 LAS VEGAS – Over there sits Duc Luc, the inscrutable Vietnamese poker

LEND US YOUR YEAR

In San Antonio, Ricardo Jones shot an air gun at a restaurant manager, displayed a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol,

HOUSTON SURVIVED — BARELY

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s

THE YEAR OF OUR DISCONTENT

By Lynn Ashby                                                       26 Dec. 2011 How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped

THE YEAR OF OUR DISCONTENT

How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped out hundreds of homes and up to half a billion

Credit Card Fraud

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        19 Dec. 2011 YA GOTTA GIVE ‘EM CREDIT   THE PHONE –

Scams are Back

Here is an interesting e-mail. “Dear Wells Fargo Customer, You have been identified as a key person to be a

WHISTLING DIXIE

THE MUSEUM – “This is a map showing the North and the South in 1861,” I say, pointing to a

RAISE THE GANGPLANK

THE INTERSTATE – Just look at this line of cars. Bumper to bumper. Surfboards tied to the roofs, marijuana plants

TOME OF THE UNKNOWN WRITER

Where was I? Oh, yes. Page 2. “Lord Smyth-Smyth will never harm you again, my dear,” young Lieutenant Geoffrey Holcomb-Tarleton,

TANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

Regardless of our political feelings, our loony right- or left-wing tendencies, all Texans must pull for Gov. Rick Perry to

BEWARE OF GEEKS BEARING GIFTS

If I push this button, I get the weather forecast. For Oslo. In Greek. This button takes a photo of

Inept Dems

By Lynn Ashby                                                            24 Oct. 2011 Will Rogers’ oft-quoted observation, “I am not a member of

Driving Me Crazy

Driving in Houston–A Crash Course in Chaos by Lynn Ashby It was famed racing driver and Houstonian A.J. Foyt who

POLLS APART

THE MAIL BOX — Here’s an interesting letter from Americans for a Better America. “As a leader in the community,

MALLED BY AN EXTERMINATOR

    THE PARKING LOT – Most people don’t see the front of their car very often, which is why

WELCOME TO TEXAS

We must consider this statement: “Aggies are alums of Perry’s alma mater, Texas A&M.” Uh-oh. Explaining that an Aggie is

CANDY IS DANDY

THE GROCERY STORE – It’s got to be here somewhere. It was here last week. I spot a clerk. “Excuse

OUR SNOUT IN THE TROUGH

The Department of Homeland Security has given the State of Texas at least $1.7 billion in grants since 9/11. The

THE FIRST AGGIE

by Lynn Ashby THE LOBBY – Welcome to the presidential library of former President Rick Perry. First, you may have

CONFERENCE CALL

Goodbye to Texas A-and-M. So long to the maroon and the whi-i-i-ite. Hullabaloo disconnect, disconnect. All their exes live in

Where's the safest place

By Lynn Ashby                                                                5 Sept.  2011 Right after an earthquake, a hurricane hit New York

A ROYAL PAIN

By Lynn Ashby                                                                29 Aug. 2011 Just when we thought the Canucks had grown up

GIVE ‘EM SMELL

  THE TERRACE – A pleasant evening here at my lake house in Varicose Valley – the setting sun, the

DID WE REALLY DO THAT?

Don’t touch that tomato. It might kill you. Same with beer and VinMariani. On the other hand, light up an

Murdoch and Fox

By Lynn Ashby 25 July 2011 FOX GUARDING THE HEN HOUSE THE CELLBLOCK – Oddly enough, my fall from grace

Grounds for Suit

By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2011 GROUNDS FOR A SUIT Soon to be made into a major motion picture. In

Texas Quotes

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        11 July 2011 “I’m gonna let him plead, pay a small fine

Obama Impersonators

By Lynn Ashby                                                            4 July 2011   When impersonator Reggie Brown, who looks and sounds a

Missing Mexico

By Lynn Ashby                                    27 June 2011 MISSING MEXICO THE TEX-MEX CAFÉ – Enchiladas, tamales, tequila, mariachi music

SARAH PALIN’S AMERICA

When I said that Paul Revere rang the church bells in Boston to alert the British that the Americans were

Out To Dinner With Lynn Ashby

Order 34 is for one hamburger, medium-well, with onions chopped, not sliced, no mustard but lots of cherries. Order 22

Too Much Time

By Lynn Ashby                                                                          13 June 2011   TIME ON THEIR HANDS   THE TV –

TOUR DE FARCE

By Lynn Ashby                                                            6 June 2011 NEW YORK CITY – Years ago, when I first arrived

Audio Etiquette

By Lynn Ashby 30 May 2011 AUDIO ETIQUETTE THE PHONE – My phone is ringing, so I answer. “Dis is

Mr. Huang

By Lynn Ashby                                                23 May 2011   THE FRONT YARD – He’s out there now, working on

Don't Mansion It

AUSTIN – Here it sits, surrounded by fences, workers, and four DPS cars plus state troopers. How things have changed

THE YULE TIDE IS OUT THE DINING ROOM

By Lynn Ashby 9 May 2011  – Here’s a little drummer boy, several angels, red balls, green balls, yellow balls,

Get Rich Quick

By Lynn Ashby                                                            25 April 2010 Did you finished paying your income taxes, or did you

Phone Mess

By Lynn Ashby 18 April 2011 THE CABLE GUY No doubt you have been victim to the strange inefficiency of

Locally Grown Food

By Lynn Ashby                                                            11 April 2011 LOCALLY GROAN THE GROCERY STORE – These days we can

First Amendment

  Xavier Alvarez appeared at a public meeting of the Three Valleys Municipal Water District in California in 2007 wearing

The Ties That Bind

THE CLOSET – Every decade we all need to go through our closet and clean out the unused stuff. My

Foul Play News, Don't You Snooze, Car Wrecks, Fires, Plus Sex and Booze

Why is our 10 o’clock TV news so bad? Local TV’s nightly newscasts begin with “Good evening,” then proceed to

On the Table

By Lynn Ashby 21 March 2011 At the first budget-cutting meeting the Dems declared, “Everything is on the table.” The

How Texas Ranks

By Lynn Ashby 14 March 2011 We’re Number 1 or maybe 50th. It depends on what we’re discussing, the amount

Ashby's Axiom of Anger

By Lynn Ashby                                                            7 March 2010   Have you read President Obama’s new budget? It explains

Sul Ross and Taxes

By Lynn Ashby                                                        28 February 2011 As our legislators wrestle with their latest budget gap of billions of

Tips

By Lynn Ashby 21 Feb. 2011 THE TV – “Automotives were down due to rumors of a merger among GM,

Texas Population Changes

By Lynn Ashby                                    14 February 2011 Even as you read this brilliance, numbers crunchers at the U.S. Census

Avoid the Void

By Lynn Ashby                                                        7 Feb. 2011 AVOID THE VOID THE WAREHOUSE – Did you notice that the

Lynn Ashby Reads Your Palm

By Lynn Ashby 31 Jan. 2010 Beware of giant clams. You will find a pile of money or eggplants under

Casino Gambling

By Lynn Ashby                                                            24 January 2010 The Size of Taxes If you like magic, visit our

Texas Trains

By Lynn Ashby                                                            17 January 2011 DE-RAILED, AGAIN It appears once more we will not be

New Congress Seats

By Lynn Ashby                                                             10 January 2011 Need a job? Lots of Texans do, and, as

Pocket Change

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        3 January 2011 Something cheap in plastic. No point in springing for

Odd News of 2010

By Lynn Ashby                                                          27 Dec. 2010 Let us continue our stroll down memory lane, avoiding the IEDs, before Texas Monthly

Odd News from 2010

By Lynn Ashby                                                20 December 2010 Thank you Tom DeLay, Joe Barton, candidates and crooks, for giving

Dear Santa

By Lynn Ashby                                                13 December 2010 Dear Santa, Yes, it’s time again for my Christmas bucket list,

Texas Flag

By Lynn Ashby                                                              6 Dec. 2010 A BANNER YEAR THE NEIGHBORHOOD – This is odd.

Texas Beaches

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        29 November 2010 Do you like to visit Texas’ beaches? Lie in

Daylight Savings Time

By Lynn Ashby                                                                   22 Nov. 2010 THE CLOCK – Move Mickey’s big hand to the

Survivor's Pack

By Lynn Ashby                                                15 Nov. 2010 THE BUNKER – Flashlight? Check. Books I never got around to

Need a Draft

By Lynn Ashby                                                            8 Nov. 2010 Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently addressed students at Duke University

Texas Quotes

By Lynn Ashby 1 Nov. 2010 “First of all, I was in love with the Alamo when I was 5

The Parking Lot

By Lynn Ashby                                                25 October 2010 THE PARKING LOT – It is raining and windy, and the

Texas Governors

By Lynn Ashby                                                18 Oct. 2010 So who do you like for governor? Kathie Glass or Deb

Old Folks' Parties

By Lynn Ashby                                                                11 Oct.  2010 THE PARTY – “I’m OK because I’ve switched to

Mr. & Mrs. Newcomer

By Lynn Ashby                                                     4 Oct. 2010 Welcome, Mr./Mrs. Newcomer, If you are one of the 4

Land of Losers

Land Of Losers By Lynn Ashby                                                                        27 Sept. 2010 News item: “Abandoned in Baghdad –

Future of Dome

By Lynn Ashby                                                  20 Sept. 2010 THE ASTRODOME – It slumps here, water stains running down

Gubernatorial Debate

By Lynn Ashby                                                               6 Sept. 2010 The problem began when former Houston Mayor Bill White

Wind Chill

By Lynn Ashby                                                            13 Sept. 2010 THE DEN – “It’s 120 in Austin and 111 in

Mink and Manure

By Lynn Ashby                                                30 August 2010 THE STORE – The first clue is the parking lot. Intermingled

Separate Checks

By Lynn Ashby 9 August 2010 THE RESTAURANT – Now is the awkward moment of truth, or agony. The waiter

Grocery Store Manners

By Lynn Ashby                                                 12 July 2010 THE COUNTER – You may have heard of Ettorre’s Observation: The

Neighborhood Spies

By Lynn Ashby 19 July 2010 THE FRONT YARD – Here comes my neighbor, Billy George Kudzu, who likes to

Vacation

By Lynn Ashby                                                            5 July 2010 Workers unions in Spain are steamed about changes in their

Big 12

By Lynn Ashby                                                            28 June 2010 We must discuss the Big 12 or, if you’re a

Death and No Taxes

By Lynn Ashby                                                    21 June 2010 My first indication of the changing situation was when my

Dear Texas School Teacher,

Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your

The Attic

This is a good time to go through junk in my attic, because it’s not too hot. During a Texas

Supreme Insult

24 May 2010 Texas has again been bypassed in the Washington power game. (Whine-whine, sulk-sulk) I am referring, obviously, to

Second Battle of the Alamo

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        17 May 2010 Okie: If there was a backdoor to the Alamo,

Coat Hangers

By Lynn Ashby                                    12 April 2010 THE CLOSET – It’s OK for me to come out now. Just

Good by to Free Newspapers

All good things must come to an end, and now this includes free newspapers. The change is most welcomed because

Texas School Books

By Lynn Ashby                                                5 April 2010 Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation

How Texas Ranks

By Lynn Ashby                                                   26 March 2010 How good, bad or indifferent are we here in Texas

Happy Texans

Are you happy? How happy? Happier than, say, the residents in New York or California? Worry no more about how

Texas Quotes

When spy novelist Alan Furst was asked why he sold his papers to The University of Texas-Austin, he explained: “It’s

Greetings from Beijing

Mr. Lynn Ashby H Texas Dear Lynn, Greetings from Beijing. Where plans to expand solar power in the United States

The Neighbor's Porch

By Lynn Ashby Just slip this little envelope into the mail slot and leave. They’ll never know who did it.

2009 In Review

What a year it was for Houston. What fantastic events, what great people and wonderful victories. I am referring, obviously,

THE RESTAURANT

by Lynn Ashby The food is overcooked, the waiter is overwhelmed and the menu is overpriced. The bad news is,

The Mall

THE MALL — Colorful eggs, cute baskets and nice spring bonnets are being set up as stores gear up for

The Restaurant

THE RESTAURANT — The food is overcooked, the waiter is overwhelmed and the menu is overpriced. The bad news is,

Post Time Why Houston should still be a two newspaper town

The HOUSTON POST—the newspaper’s old home at the Southwest Freeway and the West Loop is still standing strong—a magnificent structure

Post Time: Why Houston Should Still be a Two-newspaper Town

The Post was the pillar of Houston, and Ashby was its fifth column Post Time: Why Houston Should Still be

Cruise Control How to stay above the ahoy polloi

This special issue of H Texas touts great escapes both near and far. As an international traveler (Nuevo Laredo counts,

A Dine’s Worth of Difference Houston’s out to Lunch (and Dinner, Too)

Houston is known to the outside world for many splendors: oil, gas, traffic and their offspring, smog. Others have heard

Our Forefathers’ Foreplay The Cutting Edge

The best kept secret around here is that Houston has a history. Oh sure, it’s hard to compare our past

2008: The Year of Our….Lordy! (We have nothing to fear but the year itself)

Are we there yet? Have we reached 2009? Maybe we can crawl under the bed until 2008 is over, because

Lynn Ashby on Sam Houston and Bud Adams

If it needs cutting, I’ll do it. Ashby gets historical at the mere mention of Sam Houston. He gets hysterical

Curb Your Mustard Bottles and other tales of curbside calamities

“The city’s shimmering skyline may wear the label of the world’s energy capital, but deep in Houston’s dumpsters lies a

Who Guards the Guards? Texas law enforcement agencies are failing to protect

It’s a good thing we live in Houston where we are safe from crime, guarded by three—count ’em three—layers of

The Freshman Speech What your guidance counselor should have told you

Each year, college graduation ceremonies are held on campuses throughout the nation, and departing students are given wise words of

Galveston, We Have a Problem The solution to Galveston’s economic slump is casinos

July is high tide for tourism in Galveston. At this time of year, Houstonians — and even some Tulsans and

Blowhards Houston’s weather forecasters begin the annual hurricane hysteria

June 1 is the official beginning of hurricane season, marked by the Red Cross tossing out the first doughnut. With

Houston: Insert Catchy Cliché Here Studies determine city has had enough studies

“Houston, we have a problem” must be the most overused cliché (is that redundant?) since “I’m the candidate of change”

Open the floodgates Houston continues to open its heart, arms, land, homes, etc.

Hudnut, a former mayor of Indianapolis, was talking about Houston’s official seal, and was kind enough not to mention that

There goes the neighborhood Un-developers see great potential for the Bayou City

When I read a new group, Houstonians for Responsible Growth, was formed to pressure City Hall to get out of

Louie Welch Remembering the late mayor

When Louie Welch first ran for public office in 1949, two PR consultants told him, “The first thing you’ve got

Facts of Life You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have Houston

You are right. There are more people around town, more cars to take the parking space you want, and we

2008 The year that could be

A great person will die, someone will be elected to an office and rain will fall on Houston in 2008.

Houston Back to the Future

There has been much discussion about Houston’s future. Indeed, is there one? Engineers, historians, urban planners (how do you plan

Rock the Vote Texas secondary when it comes to primaries

Houston, do I have a deal for you. We shall wag the dog and call the shots. Yes, you too,

Gridiron Greatness Texas HS Football still reigns supreme

“In Texas, the week begins on Friday nights.” — CBS newsman Bob Schieffer How true. Have you ever driven across

Life in the Fast Lane How Houstonians and rush hour traffic coexist

THE FREEWAY — Napoleon once credited much of his success to arriving 10 minutes early. We must suppose this talent

What are our Odds? Bringing a little sin to the Bayou City

LAS VEGAS – The neon lights! The buzz of thousands of tourists! The money! The hurly-burly of the Strip lined

Open Forum Houston Summers

Summer is acumin officially June 21. For Houstonians, this means getting out of Dodge, or maybe getting out in a

Richie Refuse Getting rich using everything but a pyramid scheme

My first feelings of jealousy came when I read that among the Forbes list of 946 billionaires worldwide, 10 lived

Clearing the Air Coughing Up Deniability

In 2001, the Czech Republic, which formerly was the opening act of Czech & Slovakia, considered an increase on its

Texas Pride Swells

During the flag-burning debate before the U.S. Supreme Court on March 21, 1989, Justice Sandra Day O’Connor asked a Texas

My Fellow Texans Politics, the way we'd like to hear it

Dear Constituents, I pause in this hectic session of the Texas Legislature to bring you up to speed on what

Astro Doomed Wondering what to do with the Eigth Wonder

What cost $35 million to build, can hold an 18-story building, when fully lit consumes more electricity than a city

The Year in Review Lynn Ashby looks back at the headlining stories of 2006

Although 2006 was an even year, for Houston it was odd. It was the year of company executives doing the

Talk Show No-Knows Poking fun at Houston hosts

Good moooorning, Houston! It’s time for yet another saga of Tell Bell, the fairest and most balanced talk show in

"Good evening, friends. I'm Dave Ward." Local TV anchor celebrates 40 years of delivering the news

Thus begins another 6 o’clock news broadcast on Channel 13, and yet another record set. On Nov. 9, 2006, Ward

Brits Get Bad News Life on the other side of the pond

Three British businessmen, implicated in the Enron Follies, fought extradition to Houston on the grounds that being forced to stand

Do We Even Care About Dallas?

When the State of Texas asked Dallas to house 40,000 disabled evacuees from the Houston area in case of another

Never Leave Congress Texan representatives refuse to return

Tom DeLay has left office early, but he is not returning to Sugar Land and the pest control business. He

Cooling Off Good pools make good neighbors

THE POOL – This, being the usual Houston summer, means there is heat, humidity and swimming pools. Where’s my rubber

Here's Your Sign City streets are littered by orders

City streets are littered by orders THE STREET CORNER – “No U-turn.” “Left Lane Closed.’ “So is Right Lane.” “Do

Pure Texan History in the Lone Star State shines on

March is Texas History Month. A good choice, since the month is named for Mars, the god of war, and

Identifying Houstonians Explaining where you're from gets complicated

When you are traveling afar, if someone asks, “Where are you from?” how do you reply? “Houston.” “Texas.” “America.” “You

Get Rich Quick A quick guide to fast, easy money – maybe

My last attempt at getting rich quick did not work out. I thought the Jeff Make-a-Skilling Investment Fund would prosper.

Pistol Packing Drivers Houstonians use caution when honking their horns

THE INTERSECTION – Look at that idiot. He (or she, with those heavily tinted car windows, it’s hard to tell

Goober-natorial Race Past Texas governors offer evidence of a chance for Kinky

If Richard F. Friedman – aka Kinky and the Kinkster – is elected governor of Texas, he will have some

Houston, Texas Houston retains its Texas roots despite growing international branches

THE SHOPPING CENTER – Starbuck’s, Chevron, Barnes & Noble, Walgreens, the big yellow price tag of Best Buy. This group

Weathering the Bayou City It's not the heat … it's the futility

THE CAFÉ – Clear skies, low humidity, a slight breeze and a wonderful temperature. For Houstonians, it’s a good time

Tune in for Top-selling Stories Four Play News, Sex and Booze – all that you can use

Welcome to Channel 4’s nightly news, where we cover Houston like the smog, with our anchors Chip Chap and Twinkie

Bayou Express The solution to Houston's traffic problem is so simple,and it's right under our noses – float the bayous

They have no red lights, no gridlock, not even any tow trucks. They have been with us all along; indeed,

Houston Super Bowl

Super Bowl Then and Now by Lynn Ashby Visitors to Houston for the Super Bowl will find an interesting city

Houston Elections

Major Mayoral Mayhem by Lynn Ashby Whoever takes over as the next mayor of Houston will feel like he or

Welcome Back, General

Downtown – ah, yes, the busy traffic, the panhandlers, the torn-up streets. Uh-oh. Some old guy fell and almost got

Houston: Master Plan City, USA

“Blueprint Houston” has just released its plan for a better city with clean air, more parks and fewer crimes. The

Beach Bums in Texarkana?

This is Go Texan time, the period every year when dentists and dishwashers dress up like Tom Mix and play

Texas, Houston Has a Problem

Unless someone can think of a reason to prevent it, the Texas Legislature will gather in Austin this month to

Tail Gunner Lynn is at it Again

When I am elected emperor of Houston, which is only a matter of time, my first act will be to

Chief Exploitation Officer

To our stockholders: I call you “stockholders” since, as residents and taxpayers in Houston, you, in effect, own stock in

If it Bleeds, it Leads 4 Play News, Don't you snooze, Car wrecks, fires, plus sex and booze –

– And here with your 10 o’clock news for Houston and all of greater Galena Park is (drum roll with

In Plain View 64 Lanes but Expect DeLays

Years ago, Katy Road was a blacktop going from Houston to – where else? – Katy. In the 1950s, a

In Plain View Summer in the City

Sumer is icumen in ?? an ancient poem begins. Although it is only May, ?sumer? is, indeed, ?icumen in? to

In Plain View Home of the Rich And Shameless

Welcome, welcome to the newly converted official mayor?s residence of Houston, the Save You Money! Mansion. As you know, it

To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron

To: Ken Lay, CEO, Enron Houston, Texas Dear Mr. Lay, The directors of the Houston Couth Society deeply appreciate your

The Golden Spike: Kicking and Screaming Our Way Into the Middle Ages

The Golden Spike: Kicking and Screaming Our Way Into the Middle Ages We all know the chronology: After hundreds of

Q: What?s the Difference Between Houston and Hell?

Q: What?s the Difference Between Houston and Hell? A: Hell has Better Radio. THE RADIO: Hi, there, faithful listeners. It?s

Memo: To Members of the Harris County Houston Sports Authority

Memo: To Members of the Harris County Houston Sports Authority From: Your Chairman CONFIDENTIAL! As you may know, Harris County

Two More Jeers, er, I Mean, Years! Yeah, That’s It…

Two More Jeers, er, I Mean, Years! Yeah, That’s It… Houston has another election coming up, and this time we

The 10 o'clock news

Ah, yes, the 10 o’clock news on our local television stations. Lots of bodies under bed sheets. If it bleeds,

Houston – Gateway to Deer Park?

To: The Houston City Council From: The Mayor’s Select Blue Ribbon Committee on Other Blue Ribbon Committees Subject: Houston’s image