Columns

AISLE 4 – Cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, kale. Why is kale such a hot item these days? Every yuppy and Gen

What do Sam Donaldson, Nolan Ryan and Dwight Eisenhower have in common? No, they were not brief members of the

GALVESTON – This town has an assortment of neighborhoods such as beautiful old mansions next to pawn shops. The mansions

THE DEALERSHIP – Oh, hi. I am just picking out what color Lamborghini I’m going to buy. You should do the same, because Big Bux are headed this way. And we deserve to get our share.

THE WATCHTOWER – They are out there somewhere, and I’m going to do my civic and find ‘em, capture ‘em

THE YARD – OK, my last get-rich-scheme didn’t work, but how was I to know that Trump would be such

One gray winter Sunday night in the 1960s I was working at a New York City newspaper when a colleague

THE TV –“We’ll be back with more shootings, stabbings — lots of yellow police tape — and apartment fires. Speaking

THE PHONE – “Hello. I’d like to change my water bill address,” I tell the city water department. “I’m moving

Like you, I stay awake at night worrying about the Electoral College. It doesn’t have much of a football team,

Harvey Schmidt has died at the age of 88 in Tomball. No, that should not mean anything to you, although

THE STREET CORNER – There are two interesting looking people standing across the street. Both are wearing cowboy outfits right

THE TV – I am watching a Senate hearing in which the heads of all our intelligence and anti-intelligence operations

SAN ANTONIO – Here we are, morning at an outdoor café along the town’s River Walk. The sky is blue,

To our stockholders: It is time once again for our annual report from the Sludge Energy Co., and a good

THE HEARTH – It has been really cold lately, which I hate. Cold weather is God’s revenge for us complaining

THE EVENING NEWS – Here is one of Donald Trump’s daughters – I can’t tell which one, they are all

THE MAILBOX – Here are the usual suspects: dunning letters from creditors, ransom notes, rejections from publications (“Quit bothering us

THE BOOK REVIEW – It’s much easier to just read a review of a book than having to plow through

AUSTIN – The newspapers and local TV here in the state capital constantly rail – OK, bad choice of words

THE CALENDAR – Oh what a year, what with competent candidates getting elected, famous people doing famous things and peace

by Lynn Ashby “They are nothing but bunch of traitors and dirty rotten scoundrels. It’s unbelievable.” That’s Sean Hannity. He’s

Recently, at Perry’s Steakhouse and Grill, I was lucky enough to sample their new signature cocktail: The Strait Paloma. This

Here’s how to ring in the summer season in H Town. by Warner Roberts It’s here—I know it, you know

THE TV – “It is all the fault of the media elite.” “The media elite hate America, and will do

THE MAP – They are all here: Houston, Austin, San Antonio and El Paso, except they read San Antonio de

THE FRONT YARD – No, this is not another poor-little-me Hurricane Harvey story. This is a story of wealth beyond

My latest get-rich-quick scheme didn’t work out as planned. Still, I thought the Hurricane Harvey Weinstein Rebuild & Rehab Center

THE TV – “Nimrod has a good changeup, but isn’t going to make the playoffs. Mugwump, on the other hand,

THE HOTEL – The nice part about staying in a hotel is that someone else empties your wastebaskets, picks up

  Not to mention the humidity. by Lynn Ashby Tan Tan, Dynasty Plaza, Fu Fu, lots of signs in Chinese

THE DEN – Have you ever had one of those days? The Astros lost, the Texans lost, the Longhorns are

THE FRONT YARD – I am looking at the flotsam and jetsam of what was my house, and it reminds

As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives, Each wife had seven sacks, Each

by Lynn Ashby THE RESTAURANT – This is a relatively fancy place — not much lipstick on the glasses —

by Lynn Ashby U.S. Rep. John Culberson, a Republican from Houston, is including language in a foreign relations bill urging

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                       24 July 2017   ANOTHER LITTER LETTER To my constituents: From time to time, like every

By Lynn Ashby                                               3 July 2017                                                VAULT-ZING ACROSS TEXAS   THE BANK – To paraphrase Capital One, what’s in your

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                                    26 June 2017   THE STORE — I am drawing up my Bucket List — a

  THE CLINIC —           This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a

THE CLINIC —           This is one of those places where everything is quiet, orderly, efficient. No, it’s not a Republican

AUSTIN – “City Council voted today to increase fees for bigamists…” “TxDOT is limiting the number of mules on I-thirty

By Lynn Ashby                                                      22 May 2017 As our Texas legislators wrestled with their latest budget gap of billions of

By Lynn Ashby                                                         15 May 2017 THE MUSEUM — Here’s a picture with an inscription: “I am happy to acknowledge

  THE BOARD ROOM – “Hi, I’m with Margin of Error Pollsters, and we’d like to poll the next presidential

By Lynn Ashby                                                                                    1 May 2017 A Houstonian, a Dallasite and a Beaumonter walk into a bar and…wait. Why do

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    24 April 2017 THE JUNGLE – Trees and bushes so thick you couldn’t walk through them, with

THE COMPUTER — “Dear User, Your account has expired, you must renew or your account will be de-activated. Click Here To Renew.” And:

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    10 April 2017 THE ALAMO PLAZA – A man is shouting “Praise Jesus!” as he walks in

THE FRONT DOOR – It’s a dark and gloomy night, yet someone is knocking on my door. I open it

Play ball! Yes, the baseball season is upon us once more. The Lone Star grudge match between Dallas and Houston

By Lynn Ashby                                                           13 March 2017 TEXAS, THE RANKEST STATE   Texas, our Texas, all hail the not-so-mighty state that,

WACO – “A vodka, straight, please,” I say. The bartender springs into action. This is most unusual because I am on the campus of Baylor University, the nation’s largest Baptist school, noted for no booze, no smoking and – until recently — no dancing. Oh, and known for an on-going scandal about gang rapes and football players. This is the new (2014) football stadium, originally named Baylor Stadium but changed to Drayton McLane Stadium after a huge gift from the alumni who sold the Houston Astros for $680 million. Also, and this I didn’t know, the City of Waco kicked in $30 million. Wonder if College Station or Austin did the same for their universities?

  THE OFFICE – It’s not here, nor there, either. My long-lost Magna Carta has to be here somewhere. Maybe

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    20 Feb. 2017 THE OFFICE – A fast train running between Houston and Dallas is such

    TULLY STADIUM – This is where my son and his son played football and where my daughter led

  HOVERING OVER HOUSTON — Fasten your seatbelts, trays up, wheels down. I am flying into Hobby from a trip

The story of how Dave Ward made the record books (and probably toppled a tyrant) by Lynn Ashby Through winding

    By Lynn Ashby                                                                 30 January 2017   THE EYES HAVE IT   THE KITCHEN — Elderly Chinese gentleman:

By Lynn Ashby                                               16 Jan. 2017 THE DEN – Hello, 911? Need to report a burglary. Boxes opened and left

      By Lynn Ashby                                               16 Jan. 2017   A RARE MEDIUM, WELL DONE   THE CLASSROOM — Welcome,

  By Lynn Ashby                                       9 January 2017   A great woman will die, a team will win the World Series

                                                        OUR WELL-RED LEADER                  THE TUNNEL — It began a year or so ago when an

  By Lynn Ashby                                           26 Dec. 2016   THE TV – “Down, set, Omaha eight. Black bear forty-seven. Tight right

  By Lynn Ashby                                                       19 Dec. 2016   SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR   Looking back at the

  By Lynn Ashby                                                            12 Dec. 2016   ALL JOKING ASIDE   THE LAFF GASP — Thank ya, thank ya,

By Lynn Ashby                                                                     5 Dec. 2016 THE PC — Did you know that the Pope indorsed Donald Trump for the

  THE MEETING HALL – As usual, our chairman, Bottom Line, called the group to order as quick as a

  Did you win or lose in the recent democracy inaction? Probably both. Texas scored big, at least some did,

    THE OFFICE – I am looking at my choice, but first let’s talk about yours. You wake up

  By Lynn Ashby                                               7 Nov. 2016 THE VOTING BOOTH — The fat lady has sung. OK, she’s not really

  We are constantly being told to vote in this Presidential election. Do we have to? We already know the

    THE RESTAURANT – Food was good, service, too. Price was right. Quiet, no kids running berserk. What a

    Dear Patriotic American, We at the Republican National Committee (RNC) are writing you as a leader in your

    CHAMBERS COUNTY – “Good morning, America. How are ya? I’m the train they call the City of New

By Lynn Ashby                                                                      10 Oct. 2016 THE CEMETERY – This is a family reunion, although I shall do all the

    THE SCHOOL GYM — “Billy Ralph. Good to see you. How’s MinnieMay?” “She ran off with a shepherd,

By Lynn Ashby                                             26 Sept. 2016 THE TUBE – “All new! Fantastic drama! Laff riot!” The TV networks are telling

    Fasten the mizzen mast! Splike the nimrods and be quick about it, mates. Why this nautical mood? Because

This multi-million dollar glass and steel beauty in the heart of Washington’s prime real estate used to be my office

Dear Mom and Dad, Camp Wanakawa is really great. So is the food. I like my counselors and I’ve met

HUNT – This part of Texas along the banks of the Guadalupe River is one of the most beautiful in

  THE OFFICE – It’s here somewhere, maybe under this pile of magazines which is under a pile of books.

  Our Congress is in recess. Again. They have more recesses than a kindergarten class and do less. At such

British Prime Minister David Cameron resigned this past July 11. Two days later, the Brits had a new prime minister,

  By Lynn Ashby                                                             25 July 2016   THE TV – “It will hit a hundred and ten degrees, maybe

By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2016 WASP Without a Sting How are you doing with your guilt trip? Have you

    The candidate does not have the temperament to be president. Do you want that finger on the nuclear

  THE BLIGHT BULLETIN — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres. It’s about those campaign signs,

  GALVESTON – This is the Rosenberg Library Museum (“The oldest free public library in Texas”) which is showing a

    THE DEN – Stay down! Don’t go near the windows! I need a periscope to see what’s going

  The U.S. Marine Corps is currently fighting two wars, and taking casualties in both. The number of active duty

HOUSTON – Just look around you. White people, black people, more and more yellow people, brown people, those who speak

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    9 May 2016 School is almost over for high school seniors, and they are already making plans

THE TV – “President Obama walks into a bar and asks for a black Russian. The bartender says — oh

By Lynn Ashby                                             25 April 2016   To: All Patriotic Texans From: Another Patriotic Texan Subject: Voter Fraud Fellow God-fearing,

  By Lynn Ashby                                                                        18 April 2016 THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER THE REFRIGERATOR – A warm spring afternoon, time

THE DINING ROOM TABLE — If I deduct line 34-J from the total of lines 3-R and the leftovers of

  THE DEN – Tonight is time for a good book. There is “The Wit and Wisdom of Sarah Palin”

  THE KITCHEN – Not again. My ice dispenser doesn’t seem to be working, I’ll will have to call the

  WITH SANTA ANNA — Day after day I march through soggy fields, open salt grass, past farms and villages

Amidst the internal turmoil at The University of Texas at Austin, we now have a new battle involving the entire

What to do with the Pierce Elevated?

By Lynn Ashby                                                                     29 Feb. 2016 THE PARKING LOT – I just witnessed a crime, so pay attention, because my

THE POST OFFICE – My next fortune is going to be made selling the U.S. Postal Service “Next Window Please”

By Lynn Ashby                                                         15 Feb. 2016 THE ABACUS – Let’s see. One point one million divided by 34 million, or

By Lynn Ashby                                                8 Feb. 2016 THE TV – “I am running against the Establishment.” “If elected, I shall

By Lynn Ashby                                                        1 Feb. 2016 HERMANN PARK –It is a busy Saturday afternoon, with joggers, walkers, zoo visitors. Sunny,

By Lynn Ashby                                                            25 Jan. 2016   Good news! Last year at least 69 journalists were killed around the world

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    18 Jan. 2016   The Bayou City came through 2015 relatively unscathed. Yes, there was the downturn

By Lynn Ashby                                                                      11 Jan, 2916   THE KITCHEN TABLE – Ah, yes. This is exactly what I ordered,

By Lynn Ashby                                      3 Jan. 2016 It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear

By Lynn Ashby                                           28 Dec. 2015 THE SHOWER – I wrap a towel around me, then very slowly I grab

  By Lynn Ashby                               21 Dec. 2016 What a year it was. 2015 lasted 365 days, but it seems longer.

  By Lynn Ashby                                                        14 Dec. 2015   PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD   What do Donald Trump, the Longhorn Network

  EAST OF AUSTIN – State Highway 71 along here is bumpy, but is far better than some of our

THE CURB – Here I am performing my weekly task to create a greener planet, add to the beauty of

I blame John Nance Garner for our problem. Yes, Cactus Jack from that incubator of national leaders, Uvalde, Texas, is

THE TV – “…and, if elected, I shall balance the budget, make good things happen, cure cancer,… “ Gad, the

By Lynn Ashby                                                9 Nov. 2015 THE FRONT YARD – Time to run it up the flagpole and see

By Lynn Ashby                                                                    2 Nov. 2015 STICKER SHOCK   To: All Texas Principles From: State Board of Education Subject: Slight

By Lynn Ashby                                                   26 Oct. 2015 THE MEETING HALL – As usual, Bottom Line took the podium faster than a

By Lynn Ashby                                                           19 Oct. 2015 MONTICELLO – We have come to this beautiful countryside of Virginia to look into

THE STREET – Another moving van has pulled up to the old McToxic place. From the van, out come the

To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Well done!   My fellow patriots, Washington has

  THE LIVING ROOM – The couch can easily hold two, three if they squeeze. Put a mattress in the

My recent get-rich-quick schemes had turned into get-broke-even-quicker schemes. I had opened the Donald Trump Barber College & Humility School.

By Lynn Ashby 14 Sept. 2015 THE BANK – Remembering the $1,200 I had already received, I am checking out

By Lynn Ashby                                7 Sept. 2015 THE HILL COUNTRY – For years in late summer, peaches were the purchase of

A Roadmap for Houston’s (Possible) Future by Lynn Ashby You know Houston is on a roll. Boom, boom, boom, with

By Lynn Ashby                                                             31 August 2015 Luigi gets off the plane from the old country and soon buys a

  Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow; and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was

Many major elections have given us some catchy phrases, such as, “54-40 or fight,” which I believe was the score

AUSTIN – Remember Yogi Berra’s famous quote? “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” I suppose the opposite of that

TRIPPING OVER THE LIGHT, FANTASTIC   THE DEN – The couch is over here, so the coffee table must be….OUCH!

By Lynn Ashby 3 Aug. 2015  Presidential candidate Donald Trump has raised a ruckus by saying that Sen. John McCain

When Nikolai Yezhov, a top Soviet official, got on the wrong side of Stalin and the front side of a

There has been a lot of confusion about the 2015 presidential races, so once again as the Answer Man, I

           THE SHOW ROOM – As expected, I found you here, checking out the 2016 Lamborghinis. I am thinking the

By Lynn Ashby                                                6 July 2015       AUSTIN – The traffic on I-35 is stopped dead both ways,

VARICOSE VALLEY – This is my small abode I visit for weekends and during times I need to get away

If we could change history, I probably would have picked Poland over Germany and given Custer the edge. Alas, we

MY BACK YARD – Just dig a big hole, dump the bars in here, cover them up, and the problem

SOUTH OF SOMEWHERE – If I take a right at the next intersection, then a left and another left, I

By Lynn Ashby                                                25 May 2015 So you are in the bottom of the eighth inning, or maybe the top

  MY COMPUTER – Today there is new email, rather than the usual dunning notices from MassiveCharge, the IRS and/or

What every pilgrim should know by Lynn Ashby So you’re new to Houston. Big deal. So was everyone here, at

To: Members of the Texas State Guard From: Gov. Greg Abbott Subject: Defending Texas!!!   My fellow patriots, Washington is

The late columnist Molly Ivins often told the story of Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis addressing a group of wheelchair-bound

By Lynn Ashby                                                 27 April 2015 Peter O’Reilly, the NFL’s senior vice president of events, recently visited NRG Stadium, aka

THE ROADSIDE – You may be wondering why I am sitting here, stopped along a busy street, with a patrol

  YOUR PAPERS, PLEASE   Anyone can spot events as they are occurring, but once again you and I are

  LONE STAR RISING, ALMOST   The U.S. Supreme Court has been dealing with the Texas state government’s refusal to

TRIGGER-NOMETRY 101   THE PARKING LOT –Driving to this convenience store at my weekend getaway in Varicose Valley, I suddenly

  Ski Texas! Go south to Canada! You can’t arrest me, officer. I’m a diplomat! All this will be true

THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to

THE HOTEL – Once again I am on the road as part of my philosophy of journalism: it’s hard to

SOUTH OF SEVEN OAKS — “Turn left at the next peacock crossing.” The Voice Lady in the dashboard is still

So you want you or your kid or that cousin wearing the ankle monitor to get into The University of

By Lynn Ashby 23 Feb. 2015  — No, this one is in deep East Texas, a pleasant little town and

THE DEN – Let’s see what’s on TV this Sunday morning. Yes, the talking heads, waxing wisely on various subjects.

  THE FRONT DOOR – “Hi, I’m Leon, here to fix your garbage disposal. I was told some idiot put

  THE CASINO — Phat Duc, that inscrutable Asian hiding behind his dark glasses, takes another drag on his cigarette,

THE TV – “In other news,” the anchorman intones, then goes on to tell about wars, hopes for peace, etc.

  THE TOBACCONIST – This is where I pick up my imported cigars, especially rolled for me by a little

THE OFFICE — Look to the left of that tree. It’s another tree, or so I’m supposed to think. That

“I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” — Willie

THE GROCERY STORE – Every year about this time these trashy magazines we see in racks by the checkout counter

It is time to ring in 2016 with joy and anticipation. OK, maybe fear and trepidation. Either way, we now

Houston, we don’t have a problem. Well, some problems. True, 2014 was when we saw big changes in sports, plus

By Lynn Ashby                                            22 Dec. 2014     What a year it was! Military victories, parades, the troops came home,

THE KITCHEN – Here it is, my new refrigerator. You probably have such an appliance in your home, most people

One night I was having dinner in an eatery when the owner came over and said, “Mee-stur HASH-bee, you have

  THE PARTY – “So what do you think about the elections?” I ask a total stranger, trying to make

THE OPEN ROAD – As good highway drivers, we keep a sharp eye out for slick roads, dangerous curves and,

GALVESTON – Splice the drumstick, marinate the trampoline, and look lively about it! For we are at this beach resort

You have already voted, the ballots either have been counted or are being re-counted, depending whether the LBJ School of

  “I’m from Texas and one of the reasons I like Texas is because there’s no one in control.” —

by Lynn Ashby Our Number 1 is up We all know that Houston is home to the world’s largest medical

FROM: The Hon. Gov. Rick Perry TO: Any Texan or Wannabe Texan Do you have an idea for a new

THE COACH — As the train knifes through the night like a silver snake, there are sounds of a struggle,

THE CAFÉ – Ah, yes, a little French music, French soup, croissants, and I can’t understand a word the yuppies

Dear neighbors, Some of you have been asking your board of directors about our new Running Rats Acres Police Department

By Lynn Ashby 29 Sept. 2014 In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the

In 1994, Steve Mansfield ran for a seat on Texas’ highest criminal court, the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. He

My last get-rich scheme didn’t work out too well. I bet the Texans and Cowboys would play in the Super

THE LINE – You don’t often see a store with a large sign by the front door warning not to

By Lynn Ashby                                  8 Sept. 2014 THE COURT ROOM – “Your honor,” I whine, “yes, I have lied and cheated,

WANTED: The State of Texas is looking for a cat burglar. No, not someone who steals cats, but a black-clad

  THE MAILBOX – Here is more junk mail plus the usual ransom notices, threatening letters from debt collectors and

  My fellow Patriots, This is an invitation to a secret meeting of the Texas Militia & Non-Mensas. Maybe you

THE HIGH SCHOOL — Workers are getting ready for the most important part of Texas’ high schools’ autumn term. No,

THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,

THE OFFICE WALL – Here is a veteran’s medal reading “Forrest Cavalry Corps.” Belonged to an ancestor. Other old photos,

THE CLOSET – I am ready to come out of the closet. In boots. And I don’t care what Gov.

The kids trek across vast and dangerous lands, then ford a river to get to Texas, fleeing gang violence, gun

THE GARAGE – You may be wondering why this 34-inch Fuzzy Focus TV set is in my garage. No, it’s

The Houston-New Orleans Connection by Lynn Ashby 111 DECATUR STREET—On Saturday afternoon, February 25, 1843, Commodore Edwin Ward Moore, commander

THE TV – “Boy, is it hot out there,” says the weatherman who is obviously just arrived from Montana. Hey,

Welcome, generation Ys, millennials, baby boomers’ babies or maybe acne-Facebookies, whatever you call yourselves as you connect to one another

When was the last time you met, or even saw in person, your Congress member? (We used to say “Congressman”

THE RESTAURANT – What’s on the menu today? Roast beef, shrimp, calves’ liver. You can’t beat calves’ liver except maybe

THE LINE – It snakes back and forth like those security rows at the airport, with ropes keeping us in

  THE TV – “A man was shot last night at the Bar None Cantina and Muffler Repair Shop after

GALVESTON SEAWALL — We’ve been warned time and again, so we can’t go around yelling, “Why didn’t someone tell us?”

We have spent a lot of time recently discussing, reading and talking about all the money being raised for the

To: Gov. Rick Perry From: Snoop & Peek, PI Subject: Presidential campaign Category: Classified!   Governor, as your confidential consultants

ANTOINE’S — “”Who is your regular server, Sir?” the maitre de asks. Actually, my regular server is the voice behind

  THE OPEN ROAD — Well, not exactly. Traffic is stacked up as far as the eye can see, which

THE PHONE — “Hi, this is Bonnie Sue. Recently you dealt with Disable Cable. Would you please answer a few

By Lynn Ashby 14 April 2014  — Here comes the garbage truck grinding along, stopping, starting, stopping. Wonder what its

By Lynn Ashby                                                  7 April 2014 THE VOID — It is spring cleaning time for obsolete and forgotten aspects

OIL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL   THE YARD — If I put it right here it might blend in with

                            Is anyone else getting Clinton fatigue? Before you take sides according to your political beliefs, is anyone getting

My fellow Longhorns, and you Aggies, Cougars, Owls, Spiders (U. of Richmond) and anyone else who attended an institution of

How many U.S. presidents were born in Texas? How many people watched last season’s Texas top high school football final?

FORT WORTH — This is the annual meeting of the Philosophical Society of Texas, a little-known group and justifiably so.

JOIN THE  GHOST GUARD THE DEN — I am looking out the rear window at a work crew from RotoRobber

THE STUDIO — Hi there. You must be the intern who’s gonna fill in for me while I’m on vacation.

As the Pentagon begins another round of budget-cutting base closings, Texas Congressional members are trying to gain, rather than lose,

As Anna Nicole Smith may have told Boris Yeltsin By Lynn Ashby Everyone in Houston is from somewhere else, or

  THE TV — There is Dennis Rodman crooning “Happy Birthday” to North Korean dictator and the last person invited

THE PHARMACY — Sniff-sniff, cough-cough. As you might notice, I’ve got a code in de node. My eyes are red

THE TV SET — “The snow will hit further south, near Ree-FUGE-ee-oh.” I am told that a third to a

Today let’s briefly discuss Tetyana Chornovol, Sanderson, Texas, Clint, what we all have in common and why we should care.

THE MEDICINE CABINET — This is a warning about your health, money, and overly hyped, totally useless bad things we

What a year it was for Houston! We voted down a plan to save the Astrodome, but our County Commissioners,

  Campers, the new year is upon us, and what promises 2014 holds for us all. To get a head

What a year it was, fraught with peril, the most important elections in our nation’s history, rancor in Washington and

THE RESTAURANT — One of the joys of this booming economy is being able to go out to eat more

THE LIVING ROOM — Notice this beautiful place, with a long dining table, eight straight-backed chairs, good lighting, drawers for

Howdy, Texas student. A brief word from your beloved State Board of Education or SBOE. You are about to take

    THE DRIVEWAY – Slowly, slowly backing out from the garage. I’ve done this a thousand times over the

THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting

THE GROCERY STORE — Only two products can fill an entire aisle: beer and breakfast cereals. I gave up counting

GALVESTON — In the 1880 U.S. Census, Galveston had the largest population of any city in Texas. Today it is

THE CLUB — Welcome back, old shoe. Sorry we had to temporarily revoke your membership in Club One, a fellowship

              In one of the best political movies ever, “The Candidate,” a starry-eyed do-gooder named Bill McKay, played by

  THE VOTING BOOTH — Actually, this election I am marking my ballot in my breakfast room because the Texas

THE FAST LANE —  We are all zipping along the EZ Tag lanes where the signs clearly state two passengers

As you know, the hot topic of conversation around the office water cooler is that Swiss voters have chosen to

Look at the three people standing next to you, but not too closely if you are in a police lineup.

A good way to look at our changing society is through the newspaper comics. The name Daddy Warbucks alone speaks

THE RESTAURANT — Here comes the waiter with my that little black folder which holds my check and a breakdown

Hi, Neighbors. Each month we bring you the local crime report in Running Rats Acres to help you keep abreast

“It is debated as to which was the greater challenge: being legally blind or developing the patience necessary when waging

            THE BOOK STORE — We are not here to buy a book. They’re old fashioned. Rather, we are here

THE DEN — These are the Dog Days of Summer. The season begins about July 3 and ends on Aug.

“Go Cowboys !” – Last words of Joe Hernandez before he was executed at Huntsville. “In Texas, they say, ‘gun

THE INTERSECTION — Now that my idiot fellow citizens have voted to remove those video cameras that would take pictures

            Rick Perry, who has served as Texas governor longer than anyone, says he’s stepping down after this term. At

McDONALD’S — We are here to see if we can turn a quick buck, maybe 100,000 of them or even

A requirement in the latest “comprehensive immigration reform bill” (some call it Amnesty International) is that illegal immigrants who qualify

THE FRONT DOOR — “Hi,” says a smiling face standing in my doorway. “I’m Billy Tom from your favorite cable

Who’s your member of the US Congress? Who represents you (or in no way represents you) in the Texas Legislature?

BLIGHT BULLETINS — Published by and for the residents of Running Rats Acres (RRA). Yes, this is the summer edition

THE RADIO — “This is Wednesday. Hump day,” says the DJ. His reference has nothing to do with camels or

    THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on

THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the radio

  “Hi. Grandma. It’s me, (unintelligible). I know I don’t sound normal. I’m sick and in jail. The jail doctor

  THE TV WEATHER REPORT — “There is a small, low-pressure area just west of Ghana — you can see

Good morning, Class of 2013. Welcome to your required college commencement address delivered by someone you never heard of containing

THE CURB — Another family is moving into my neighborhood, Running Rats Acres. The van has pulled up to the

  THE INTERESECTION — I’m waiting for the traffic light to turn green while listening to some knuckle-dragger on the

Stand by for yet another wave of immigrants. No, not from south of the border or even from college campuses

JUNKYARD HOG THE ATTIC – These are some dusty Guy Fawkes Day decorations, no doubt made by him and worth

The Texas Legislature is wrestling with mighty subjects this session, mainly how to repair the damage they did last session

Dear Member of Congress, I can no longer refer to you as “Congressman” since 97, or 18.1 percent, of the

It is the goal of this newspaper, The Daily Duh, to be as perfect in our job as you think

THE PHONE — “Yes, your credit card has been compromised. But we will send you a new one with a

The worst job in the state must be head of the Texas Democratic Party. Some poor soul has that job,

THE OFFICE – Out goes my father’s century-old oaken roll-top and in comes a cheap gun-metal gray desk with Formica

THE CASINO – Here I am again at the poker table surrounded by the usual suspects. There’s Frisco Fats and

SISTERS-IN-AWE BRAY’S BAYOU – If you like one of history’s mysteries, this is a good place to start — a

THE COUNTER – “That will be two dollars and 51 cents,” says the clerk. All I’ve got are dollar bills,

THE BACK HALL – It’s hard to get too excited about a hot water heater until you step into the

With the Texas Legislature in full swing, perhaps our lawmakers would like to address a situation we shall call Where

We’ve been rejected, turned down, dissed. The Obama Administration says Texas cannot secede. Actually, so did the US Supreme Court

THE KITCHEN CABINET – When a lampshade needs cleaning, I turn to Maid in the Shade, my cleaner especially created

THE SLAVE MARKET – At the time of the American Revolution this place, Charleston, South Carolina, was the richest city

    THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD It looks like the Mayans were wrong and the year of 2013 has arrived

Your Papers Are Not in Order: So afraid are they of moles, snitches and infiltrators, the prison gang Aryan Brotherhood

By Lynn Ashby HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM The year of our Lord 2012 was not so heavenly. Still, we’re

Stanley Marsh 3 had a bad year. Lance Armstrong did, too. For the Houston Astros it was the worst year

        “Poor Mexico: so far from God, and so close to the United States,” Mexican President Porfirio

THE FRONT YARD – Across the street from me a new house is rising where, a short time ago, an

So Bick Benedict says: “You all think that the glory happened here in the East, don’t you, with Valley Forge

THE SCHOOL YARD – Is this a holiday? The reason I am asking is that the local school yard is

THE ATTIC – It is time to put up the Easter decorations and get down the Christmas ornaments. True, the

THE CHURCH – Every time I kneel, they stand. I stand, they sit. Everyone is kneeling and I, alone, am

THE DINNER TABLE – Just as I am explaining to my family why the gold flow affects the NFL playoffs

How can I put this to you gently? When you vote for the President of the United States, IT WON’T

      THE LINE – If you are waiting to get your Texas driver’s license, don’t check your watch,

THE DRY CLEANERS – “Is my black suit ready? The one with the ketchup and bird droppings that needed cleaning

THE ED/OP PAGE – This is my favorite part of the newspaper, especially my own brilliant efforts. It’s the editorial/opinion

CAPE COD – Have you ever had lobster quiche? How about lobster wieners? Then there are lobster rolls, lobsters steamed,

Are you alive? Are you sure you’re alive? Not if you are one of 72,000 Texans officially declared taking a

THE BED – From some far off distant land, before sunrise, there is a strange noise, a wail, a non-stop

Sober up from the Olympics and turn to some real competition: the race between the Democratic and Republican parties to

THE DEN – Being a current affairs junkie, my TV is tuned to the news channels most of my waking

Not long ago The Wall Street Journal ran this line: “Boehner drew a line in the sand over the debt

THE MAILBOX – Here is the usual stuff I don’t want to receive. Ransom notes, junk mail from my children,

THE DRIVE-IN – The line begins at the pick-up window, winds around the front and snakes down the drive to

THE SHOP – Somehow this machine isn’t working as advertised. My iFad, that is. It was given to me by

CLUB CLICHÉ – The chairman, Bottom Line, brought the membership to order as quick as a New York minute and

Dear Student, As you no, the State Board of Education has replaced the TASK tests with the TAKS which replaced

      GUESS WHO’S COMNG TO GUESS? THE BREAKFAST ROOM – We have all been told to get a

This just in: “NBC executives suggest that the impact of the end of the ‘Today’ streak has been overstated, primarily

THE OFFICE – “Hello, Mister Uhgr Zzzwrrj. I’m Officer Johnson. Welcome to the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or ICE

DUBLIN – The weather reports, before I arrived, showed rain, wind and chill, as usual, because this is a soggy

            Suppose they gave an election and nobody came? That’s what Texas is undergoing. Wonder who’s paying for it? We

JOHN BENNY’S PUB – A pint of Guinness, waiter, and tell the band to turn up the volume. I can

Everyone knows the country is rather evenly divided in politics – the U.S. Supreme Court regularly votes 5-4. The GOP

THE OTHER HOUSE – I am back in my home away from home in Varicose Valley. As with many such

THE CURB – Why am I out here in the driving rain selling soggy doughnuts? It’s because my current financial

“Once I rob a bank in Texas. Your government get after me with a whole army. Whole army! One little

THE GAS PUMP – Look at the prices twirl like cherries and red 7s on the face of a Louisiana

AUSTIN – We are here to check on The University of Texas at Austin. Why? Because the U.S. Supreme Court

Houston has a pro soccer team, the Dynamo, which has a new stadium, and, no matter where you live in

We must now consider North Dakota University – and why we should care. The school, way up there on the

INTERSTATE 10 — The cars and trucks speed along here on a bright and cheery spring day. The grass is

“I notice in your brain dead typical left wing journalists who have no clue about misery and suffering in America

MY COMPUTER – “The password you gave is incorrect.” So my bank is telling me on my computer screen. I

Our opera, “Entrare d’Pagliaccio” (“Send in the Clowns”), opens in the small Italian village of Constanto d’Beta where the rivals

Jose Antonio Navarro was a member of the landed gentry from San Antonio who was captured in 1842 by an

  Quick. What was the last picture show in “The Last Picture Show”? What’s the best wood for barbeque, is

UNCLE SAM’S CLUB As long as there has been a federal government, we have heard that, while the pay is

So these three Texas ranchers are sitting around a saloon and one says to another, “What’s the brand of your

We are in the midst of the most expensive presidential campaign in our nation’s history. (No, this race is not

Texas is once more the nation’s leader. No, we’re not talking about the number of children with no health insurance.

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s

By  Lynn Ashby                                    16 January 2012 LAS VEGAS – Over there sits Duc Luc, the inscrutable Vietnamese poker

In San Antonio, Ricardo Jones shot an air gun at a restaurant manager, displayed a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol,

As you will recall, the past two weeks we’ve been looking back at 2011 in Texas and Houston, so let’s

By Lynn Ashby                                                       26 Dec. 2011 How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped

How hot and dry was Texas in 2011? Wildfires wiped out hundreds of homes and up to half a billion

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        19 Dec. 2011 YA GOTTA GIVE ‘EM CREDIT   THE PHONE –

Here is an interesting e-mail. “Dear Wells Fargo Customer, You have been identified as a key person to be a

THE MUSEUM – “This is a map showing the North and the South in 1861,” I say, pointing to a

THE INTERSTATE – Just look at this line of cars. Bumper to bumper. Surfboards tied to the roofs, marijuana plants

Where was I? Oh, yes. Page 2. “Lord Smyth-Smyth will never harm you again, my dear,” young Lieutenant Geoffrey Holcomb-Tarleton,

Regardless of our political feelings, our loony right- or left-wing tendencies, all Texans must pull for Gov. Rick Perry to

If I push this button, I get the weather forecast. For Oslo. In Greek. This button takes a photo of

By Lynn Ashby                                                            24 Oct. 2011 Will Rogers’ oft-quoted observation, “I am not a member of

Driving in Houston–A Crash Course in Chaos by Lynn Ashby It was famed racing driver and Houstonian A.J. Foyt who

THE MAIL BOX — Here’s an interesting letter from Americans for a Better America. “As a leader in the community,

    THE PARKING LOT – Most people don’t see the front of their car very often, which is why

We must consider this statement: “Aggies are alums of Perry’s alma mater, Texas A&M.” Uh-oh. Explaining that an Aggie is

THE GROCERY STORE – It’s got to be here somewhere. It was here last week. I spot a clerk. “Excuse

The Department of Homeland Security has given the State of Texas at least $1.7 billion in grants since 9/11. The

by Lynn Ashby THE LOBBY – Welcome to the presidential library of former President Rick Perry. First, you may have

Goodbye to Texas A-and-M. So long to the maroon and the whi-i-i-ite. Hullabaloo disconnect, disconnect. All their exes live in

By Lynn Ashby                                                                5 Sept.  2011 Right after an earthquake, a hurricane hit New York

By Lynn Ashby                                                                29 Aug. 2011 Just when we thought the Canucks had grown up

  THE TERRACE – A pleasant evening here at my lake house in Varicose Valley – the setting sun, the

Don’t touch that tomato. It might kill you. Same with beer and VinMariani. On the other hand, light up an

By Lynn Ashby 25 July 2011 FOX GUARDING THE HEN HOUSE THE CELLBLOCK – Oddly enough, my fall from grace

By Lynn Ashby 18 July 2011 GROUNDS FOR A SUIT Soon to be made into a major motion picture. In

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        11 July 2011 “I’m gonna let him plead, pay a small fine

By Lynn Ashby                                                            4 July 2011   When impersonator Reggie Brown, who looks and sounds a

By Lynn Ashby                                    27 June 2011 MISSING MEXICO THE TEX-MEX CAFÉ – Enchiladas, tamales, tequila, mariachi music

When I said that Paul Revere rang the church bells in Boston to alert the British that the Americans were

Order 34 is for one hamburger, medium-well, with onions chopped, not sliced, no mustard but lots of cherries. Order 22

By Lynn Ashby                                                                          13 June 2011   TIME ON THEIR HANDS   THE TV –

By Lynn Ashby                                                            6 June 2011 NEW YORK CITY – Years ago, when I first arrived

By Lynn Ashby 30 May 2011 AUDIO ETIQUETTE THE PHONE – My phone is ringing, so I answer. “Dis is

By Lynn Ashby                                                23 May 2011   THE FRONT YARD – He’s out there now, working on

AUSTIN – Here it sits, surrounded by fences, workers, and four DPS cars plus state troopers. How things have changed

By Lynn Ashby 9 May 2011  – Here’s a little drummer boy, several angels, red balls, green balls, yellow balls,

By Lynn Ashby                                                            25 April 2010 Did you finished paying your income taxes, or did you

By Lynn Ashby 18 April 2011 THE CABLE GUY No doubt you have been victim to the strange inefficiency of

By Lynn Ashby                                                            11 April 2011 LOCALLY GROAN THE GROCERY STORE – These days we can

  Xavier Alvarez appeared at a public meeting of the Three Valleys Municipal Water District in California in 2007 wearing

THE CLOSET – Every decade we all need to go through our closet and clean out the unused stuff. My

Why is our 10 o’clock TV news so bad? Local TV’s nightly newscasts begin with “Good evening,” then proceed to

By Lynn Ashby 21 March 2011 At the first budget-cutting meeting the Dems declared, “Everything is on the table.” The

By Lynn Ashby 14 March 2011 We’re Number 1 or maybe 50th. It depends on what we’re discussing, the amount

By Lynn Ashby                                                            7 March 2010   Have you read President Obama’s new budget? It explains

By Lynn Ashby                                                        28 February 2011 As our legislators wrestle with their latest budget gap of billions of

By Lynn Ashby 21 Feb. 2011 THE TV – “Automotives were down due to rumors of a merger among GM,

By Lynn Ashby                                    14 February 2011 Even as you read this brilliance, numbers crunchers at the U.S. Census

By Lynn Ashby                                                        7 Feb. 2011 AVOID THE VOID THE WAREHOUSE – Did you notice that the

By Lynn Ashby 31 Jan. 2010 Beware of giant clams. You will find a pile of money or eggplants under

By Lynn Ashby                                                            24 January 2010 The Size of Taxes If you like magic, visit our

By Lynn Ashby                                                            17 January 2011 DE-RAILED, AGAIN It appears once more we will not be

By Lynn Ashby                                                             10 January 2011 Need a job? Lots of Texans do, and, as

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        3 January 2011 Something cheap in plastic. No point in springing for

By Lynn Ashby                                                          27 Dec. 2010 Let us continue our stroll down memory lane, avoiding the IEDs, before Texas Monthly

By Lynn Ashby                                                20 December 2010 Thank you Tom DeLay, Joe Barton, candidates and crooks, for giving

By Lynn Ashby                                                13 December 2010 Dear Santa, Yes, it’s time again for my Christmas bucket list,

By Lynn Ashby                                                              6 Dec. 2010 A BANNER YEAR THE NEIGHBORHOOD – This is odd.

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        29 November 2010 Do you like to visit Texas’ beaches? Lie in

By Lynn Ashby                                                                   22 Nov. 2010 THE CLOCK – Move Mickey’s big hand to the

By Lynn Ashby                                                15 Nov. 2010 THE BUNKER – Flashlight? Check. Books I never got around to

By Lynn Ashby                                                            8 Nov. 2010 Defense Secretary Robert Gates recently addressed students at Duke University

By Lynn Ashby 1 Nov. 2010 “First of all, I was in love with the Alamo when I was 5

By Lynn Ashby                                                25 October 2010 THE PARKING LOT – It is raining and windy, and the

By Lynn Ashby                                                18 Oct. 2010 So who do you like for governor? Kathie Glass or Deb

By Lynn Ashby                                                                11 Oct.  2010 THE PARTY – “I’m OK because I’ve switched to

By Lynn Ashby                                                     4 Oct. 2010 Welcome, Mr./Mrs. Newcomer, If you are one of the 4

Land Of Losers By Lynn Ashby                                                                        27 Sept. 2010 News item: “Abandoned in Baghdad –

By Lynn Ashby                                                  20 Sept. 2010 THE ASTRODOME – It slumps here, water stains running down

By Lynn Ashby                                                               6 Sept. 2010 The problem began when former Houston Mayor Bill White

By Lynn Ashby                                                            13 Sept. 2010 THE DEN – “It’s 120 in Austin and 111 in

By Lynn Ashby                                                30 August 2010 THE STORE – The first clue is the parking lot. Intermingled

By Lynn Ashby 9 August 2010 THE RESTAURANT – Now is the awkward moment of truth, or agony. The waiter

By Lynn Ashby                                                 12 July 2010 THE COUNTER – You may have heard of Ettorre’s Observation: The

By Lynn Ashby 19 July 2010 THE FRONT YARD – Here comes my neighbor, Billy George Kudzu, who likes to

By Lynn Ashby                                                            5 July 2010 Workers unions in Spain are steamed about changes in their

By Lynn Ashby                                                            28 June 2010 We must discuss the Big 12 or, if you’re a

By Lynn Ashby                                                    21 June 2010 My first indication of the changing situation was when my

Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation – some would say angished fear – for your

This is a good time to go through junk in my attic, because it’s not too hot. During a Texas

24 May 2010 Texas has again been bypassed in the Washington power game. (Whine-whine, sulk-sulk) I am referring, obviously, to

By Lynn Ashby                                                                        17 May 2010 Okie: If there was a backdoor to the Alamo,

By Lynn Ashby                                    12 April 2010 THE CLOSET – It’s OK for me to come out now. Just

All good things must come to an end, and now this includes free newspapers. The change is most welcomed because

By Lynn Ashby                                                5 April 2010 Dear Texas School Teacher, You have ben waiting in great antisipation

By Lynn Ashby                                                   26 March 2010 How good, bad or indifferent are we here in Texas

Are you happy? How happy? Happier than, say, the residents in New York or California? Worry no more about how