Howdy, Texas student. A brief word from your beloved State Board of Education or SBOE. You are about to take yet another test which you have been studying for since the first day of the fall semester (is that the same as autume?). This schedule don’t allow you to do much else except play football, of course, but we at the SBOE know bestest. Since your last test from we, the makeup of the board has moved left with the election of several more liberal members. So both sides have had a hand in drawing up these questions, but you can’t tell the difference.
Ready? Do you really need Algebra II? Do you even need Algebra I or any other foreign language? If a train leaves Dallas at 1 p.m. heading south and another train on the same track leaves Houston at 1 p.m. heading north, why do we need to subsidize Amtrak? Global warming is: 1. A farce thought up by scientists who need a grant to study it. 2. A scientific sertainty. 3. Just a phase the earth is going through which has already ended by the next phase, called “winter.” Textbooks for Texas’ public schools: 1. Cost too much, 2. Really don’t need covers. 3. Nesessary for the education of our youths, 4. Outdated because all the students have an iPad, Kindle or any of those black boxes that seem glued to their hands, and if they don’t have such a toy they can easily find one in an open locker.
Now we turn to government and current affairs. Circle the korrect answers: President Barack Obama is: a Muslim, a socialist, a closet Kenyan (or is it Canyon?), all of the above. President Obama is our greatest President since George W. Bush. President Obama stole the election from Mitt Romney by deliberately hanging chads in Florida.
Mitt Romney is a member of the clueless oligarchy and the top 1 percent which looks down on the bottom 47 percent. Mitt Romney is a successful businessman whose health coverage plan for Massachusetts bears no resemblance to that train wreck Obamacare the present administration is trying to foist upon the American people. What’s an oligarchy? (Several different answers may be korrect for this last question. We can’t agree.)
As co-governors of Arkansas, Hillary and Bill coined the word Hillbilly.
The Texas Legislature is made up of 150 representative and 31 senators. How many does that make? How many are on the make? How many are on the take? Wendy Davis is: 1. A state senator who wants to be governor. 2. A governor who wants to be a state senator. 3. Hasn’t a chance. 4. Has delusions of mediocrity. 5. Wears funny shoes. None of the above. Ted Cruz is: 1. A brilliant and principled U.S. senator from Texas, 2. A rogue senator who is so shunned by his colleagues he couldn’t pass a kidney stone, 3. Has counted 2,188 times headline writers have used “Cruz Control.”
Which is korrect? 1. The Affordable Care Act is a savior for the poor, down-trodden Americans who suffer needlessly in the richest country on earth. 2. Obamacare is a communistic plot to let the bloodsuckers among us continue to live. Trying to sign up for Obamacare is like: 1. A root canal without an anesthetic, 2. Listening to Joe Biden for an hour, 3. Playing a department store Santa, 3. Listening to Joe Biden undergo a root canal without an anesthetic. How do you spell NRA? If guns don’t kill people and only people kill people, why don’t people kill guns? Should all babies born in Texas be issued an AK-47s or should they have to wait till kindergarten? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was a union member? Who is your elected member on the SBOE? (Extra credit if you include a campaign contribution with this sheet.)
Texas student, we hear at the SBOE hopes you are doing good so far. Now turn to history. Which came first, the Civil War or the War Between the States? Yes, there was a back door at the Alamo: 1. But it was blocked by Santa Anna’s sister, Polly Anna, 2. It was just painted on the wall by that prankster Davy Crockett, 3. That’s why there’s an Oklahoma. True or false? The Mexican-American War was fought solely by Mexican-Americans. Finish this sentence: Benjamin Franklin was President of the United _______. What was Lee Harvey Oswald’s middle name?
It’s time to take a brake. You may doze at your desk, talk on you cell phone while playing games, reading your email or figuring out just who is your member of the State Board of Education. Return in 30 minutes or half an hour, which ever comes first.
Back already? Now for social studies: Is smog a necessary byproduct of money or are you one of those tree-hugging hippies out to destroy America as we know it today? Is money necessary or are you one of those fat cat Wall Street typhoons out to destroy the little man? Charles Darwin was: 1. A brilliant scientist who came up with the theory of evolution, 2. A mad scientist who hatched a crazy theory, 3. Descended from an orangutan. Religion should be taught in our public schools: 1. Only by a licensed preacher, 2. By any religious leader, 3. Only by a good Christian. True or false: If God did not want Texans to feel superior, he wouldn’t have created the Aggie Band, the Hill Country and Tex-Mex. Which of these statements is NOT true? Austin is the capital of Texas. Austin is filled with a bunch of leftist traitors bent on gay rights, pot, booze but are having a great time. Austin is the intellectual capital of Travis County.
Well, that duz it. This test was brought to you by your State Board of Education. Just remember our motto: We work for the childs of Texas.
Ashby is testy at firstname.lastname@example.org