THE FUTURE LIES AHEAD
It looks like the Mayans were wrong and the year of 2013 has arrived right on time. This is certainly going to be an interesting time, since it lasts 365 days. At the beginning of each year, as America’s leading soothsayer, I always say the sooth. Clip and save. Ready? A great person will die, there will be war in the Middle East and a blizzard will hit North Dakotans, who will blame the press.
January – The last of 58 college bowl games is over. No one cares. The Koch brothers put out a bounty on Karl Rove, demanding their $400 million back. US Census Bureau says, due to growing demographics and new customers, some Texas restaurants should change their menu to Mex-Tex. Pat Robertson blames the Mayans’ “sacrifices of perfectly good virgins” for the world not coming to an end. The stealth US senator from Texas, Ted Cruz, appears in public but is not recognized.
February – The Texas Legislature votes to make itself the official state joke.
Fox News wins Pulitzer Prize for best fiction writing. TV weatherman learns the difference in “further” and “farther” and is promptly fired. TxDOT announces it will build a high-speed “bullet train” in Austin from East 4th Street to East 6th Street. “We’ve got to start somewhere,” a TxDOT official says. NRA chief Wayne LaPierre fires back, “Bullet trains don’t kill people. The black plague kills people,” adding: “And I don’t ‘fire back.’ If did, you’d be dead, you Godless commie.”
March – Showing his talent as a master politician, Tom DeLay redistricts his cellblock. When asked what advice he has for those who stand in the snow for two days to pay $1,200 for a pair of his sneakers, Kobe Bryant, answers, “Get a life.” Russian President Vladimir Putin vetoes law to block adoptions of Russian babies by Americans after discovering that he was born Billy Bob Tumbleweed in Pampa, Texas.
April – NRA says our schools would be safe if all the kids were carrying AK-47s. Sen. Ted Cruz authors a bill to outlaw global warming, rising tides and evolution, then falls off the fiscal cliff. David Petraeus returns as head of CIA. President Obama cites “his exhaustive undercover work.” Gov. Rick Perry says he doesn’t understand the connection between cutting off funds to Planned Parenthood and the sudden spike in pregnancies among poor teen-aged girls.
May – Texas’ State Board of Education approves printing new school books “so long as the quills last.” Karl Rove forms a new PAC, “Give Me Another Chance – And a Hundred Million.” There are reported sightings of the Loch Ness Monster, Sasquatch and a Texas Democrat. A Texas State Board of Education member moves that schoolgirls no longer be required to wear a burka. It dies for lack of a second.
June – President Obama is honored by the Association of Late Night Comedy Hosts as “the dullest president since Calvin Coolidge” and begs him to have an affair with an intern “or at least start a needless war.” With advent of hurricane season, New Yorkers suddenly show interest in storm patterns, evacuations and FEMA. “We always worry about the Bolivar Peninsula, and Sandy had nutten to do wit it,” Mayor Bloomberg says.
July – Anti-NRA protesters picket opening night of “Annie Get Your Gun.” The Longhorn Network finally explains why no one can receive it on TV: “We’re a radio network, dummy.” Shopping malls begin putting up Christmas decorations. The Mayans, looking for a virgin, sacrifice Pat Robertson.
August – Gov. Rick Perry orders all Texas courthouses to display a copy of the Nine Commandments. President Obama, feeling chest pains, orders Joe Biden to dial 911. “Right,” says Biden. “What’s the number?” A dark cloud appears over Cuba and New Yorkers demand that FEMA stop looking for Miami and rush to NYC.
September – Mitt Romney announces he is going “peasant hunting.” A guide explains to Romney that he actually means “pheasant hunting.” Romney bags 46 peasants, one under his 47 percent limit. In a special election to fill the vacancy for US senator after Ted Cruz’s demise over the cliff, Texas Democrats nominate Sasquatch for the vacancy.
October – The Dallas Tea Party demands Texas secede from the Union, noting: “Texans are opposed to unions.” However, the Anti-Secessionist Party changes its name to Santa Anna so it can go around saying, “Read my lips, no new Texas!” MSNBC hires Grover Norquist – as a test pattern. House Speaker John Boehner reveals that he does not frequent tanning salons but, like Barack Obama, is half black. Noting that the fiscal cliff was avoided, Ted Cruz wants his old job back, but is rejected by the GOP as “too liberal.”.
November – Southeastern Conference members demand recount in admitting Texas A&M, explaining, “Their Texans keep beating our Texans.” In an effort to make amends to the Gulf Coast, BP underwrites the Biloxi production of “Grease.” Fox News’ Chris Wallace reveals that Barak Obama spelled backwards is “Kenyan terrorist” – “with some minor adjustments.”
December – The first of 120 college bowl games begins. No one cares. FEMA arrives in New York City. Texas State Board of Education bans any school holiday skit that uses the lyrics, “Don we now our gay apparel.” Bill O’Reilly declares “the war on Christmas” has been called off in favor of “the peace with Ramadan.” Sasquatch loses the special election, blames the press.
Ashby is soothful at email@example.com