BOWLING OVER

December 26, 2016 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

 

By Lynn Ashby                                           26 Dec. 2016

 

THE TV – “Down, set, Omaha eight. Black bear forty-seven. Tight right court jester!” And the play begins. Are you ready for some football? If not, switch to the Trump Channels, aka CNN and Fox News, because all that the networks will be showing are football games, mostly of the bowl variety. Which contests have you marked on your calendar? Maybe the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl or the Nova Home Loans Bowl.

As we can see, higher academics joined with TV networks and good ol’ American greed to make another buck by selling naming rights to post-season college football games. Thus the Cotton Bowl is now the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic, the Sugar Bowl is the Allstate Sugar Bowl (played at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome),? How many wingbacks are there in the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl? How long will you remember the Valero Alamo Bowl? Can you be in the Red Zone in the AutoZone Liberty Bowl? It’s only a matter of time until we have the Scrubbing Bubbles Toilet Bowl.

. Can you be in the Red Zone in the AutoZone Liberty Bowl, The ancient Rose Bowl has maintained a fig leaf over its privates with the Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual, Incidentally, we all know that the Rose Bowl is the first, and granddaddy, of all the post-season bowl games, but what’s the second oldest? El Paso’s Sun bowl, 1935. The Sugar and Orange Bowls claim they ae the second oldest, but their cases are weak.

A quick story about the Sun Bowl, as told by Burt Reynolds on the “Johnny Carson Show.” Reynolds was the third-string halfback on the Florida State team that was playing in the Sun Bowl. Knowing that he wouldn’t be playing in that game – he had sat out most of the season – he and some teammates went to Juarez the night before the game, where Reynolds got totally plastered. At game time he was sitting at the end of the bench, paying no attention to the game. The starter at his position got hurt, then his backup went down. From far away, he heard a voice yelling: “Reynolds, get your helmet and get on the field!” There was just one problem, as Reynolds told it: All game long he had been throwing up in his helmet.

Years ago there were only a few major bowl games pitting the winners of the various conferences. We had the Cotton Bowl in Dallas featuring the champions of the old Southwest Conference, the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, with the SEC champs, both on TV at the same time, then the Rose Bowl with the Pac 10 champ on Pacific Coast, time, and finally the Orange Bowl at night preceded by one of the strangest parades of the year. Over time, games have come and gone.

 

Stadiums have changed, too. Mostly the games go indoors for winter comfort. As a tad, my brother and I would sell programs at Cotton Bowl games on an icy Dallas New Year’s Day. It was so cold (how cold was it”) I actually had people approach me, not to buy a program, but to buy my woolen cap and scarf. Looking back, why was I selling those stupid programs when I could have made a tidy fortune setting up a booth selling jackets, scarves, woolen caps and gloves? The Cotton bowl is now played in the comfort of Cowboy Stadium, or AT&T MegaBox. The 1942 Rose Bowl was originally scheduled to be played in the Rose Bowl Stadium in Pasadena, Calif. But it was moved to Durham, North Carolina, due to fears about an attack by the Japanese on the West Coast following the attack on Pearl Harbor three weeks earlier.

       Incidentally, during all college football games, including the bowls, the halftime is filled with commercials. OK, they pay the freight. But then they show four aging jocks sitting behind a desk telling us that Amherst is taking a licking from Williams (before 600 rabid spectators), and that Ramblin’ Rick Raspberry may break the passing record in the Upper Michigan & Lower Manitoba Conference. Couldn’t we see the bands, instead? Those students work very hard, practicing new formations and tunes weekly, and some shows are really impressive. Show the bands!  

Major bowls don’t have any trouble filling the stadiums and getting top TV money, but others have had problems. Baylor once played in the late Bluebonnet Bowl in Houston, and, last I heard, never did get paid. To host a bowl game, usually the idea begins with a group of city leaders forming a committee, which rounds up a sponsor (the Belk Company) to underwrite some of the costs. The committee then taps volunteers to put up signs, host pre-game banquets and buy a bunch of tickets which they hand out to employees, big customers and anyone else who promises to show up in 30 degree weather to see East West Virginia State play Oregon A&M. For the schools, it’s a big deal to be “bowl eligible” and then selected. Indeed, have you ever heard of a school declining a bowl invitation? The school selected has to pay the coach and his assistants a bonus because they must work a few weeks after the regular season is over, while their colleagues coaching non-playing teams are sitting on the couch watching bowl games on TV or, more likely, sending out resumes because they got canned. Schools promise to send the team, band, cheerleaders and mascot, and buy a certain number of tickets.

            When all the bowl games are over, the top two teams left standing play for the championship, but the contest doesn’t seem to have a commercial sponsor – yet. But stand by for lots of car ads. It’s being played in Toyota Stadium, Anyway, it’s time for me to settle down on my couch, which is now my legal voting address, and watch some team I never heard of play another team which remains anonymous. “Down, set, bird dog right, alto solo!”

                 

                                    Ashby watches at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR

December 19, 2016 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

 

By Lynn Ashby                                                       19 Dec. 2016

 

SHED A TEAR FOR THE YEAR

 

Looking back at the year of 2016 in your rearview mirror is probably the best way to view it, for it was the Leap Year that gave us more 19th Century pronouncements from Texas leadership, the Olympics but also more frustration for local sports fans and — ta-da! – President Donald J. Trump. Please hold your applause.

So let’s consider 2016, a year that will live in infamy.

Dancing With the Lone Stars: Former Gov. Rick Perry bombed on the show, almost as badly as that other Texas two-step, Tom DeLay. The Houston school board, although chronically short of funds, agreed to pay $1.2 million – as a start — to rename eight schools named after Confederate loyalists. In almost four years in office. Friendswood Congressman Randy Weber hasn’t introduced a single bill that became law. During the 2016 Moldovian presidential election, Weber introduced a resolution critical of pro-Western, anti-Russian candidate Andrian Candu. A former spokesman to four U.S. ambassadors said, “Randy Weber does not know what he is doing.”

In its wisdom, the Texas Legislature allowed students at public universities to pack heat in the classroom and elsewhere. Brining forth this quote from Lisa Moore, a UT-Austin English professor: “The Second Amendment allows for a well-regulated militia. What we have is not a well-regulated militia. It’s a 21-year-old with a backpack.” Elsewhere in higher education, it’s been a tough year for the UH Cougers. The Big XII will remain with 10 members and Coach Tom Harman was hired away by UT, making him the third head football coach at UH to jump to that conference.

Finally, the school wanted to renovate its basketball arena with $40 million gained by selling naming rights.There was a slight problem: The structure was called Hofheinz Pavilion because Judge Roy Hofheinz bad given the school a bunch of money. The family hired an attorney to preserve the honor for the late judge, but UH head regent Tilman Fertitta said he would donate several millions if the gym were named for him. It was. The judge gets a plaza named for him and a statue. But good news; The UH Law Center forced the former South Texas College of Law not to change its name to something like the Houston Law School. Finally at UH: We’re Number One! UH Chancellor Renu Khator, who is also president of the main campus, was the top-paid public university leader in the country in 2015, earning $1.3 million.

Friday Night Frights (Katy Bar the Vault Dept.): Three years ago, voters in the Katy Independent School District rejected a bond package that included a $69 million second football stadium. The following year, voters approved a revised bond that included a scaled-back $58 million stadium. This fall, the price rose about $4.5 million more. It now stands at $62,5 million. The additional cost makes it the most expensive high school stadium in Texas, topping Allen ISD’s $60 million stadium, which opened in 2012. Why the additional costs? For more roads. It seems Katy’s new stadium is conveniently located right next to the current stadium, so there may be some parking problems on fall Friday nights.

Hours after the slaughter of 49 people at a gay nightclub in Orlando, Fla., Texas Lt. Gov. Day Patrick issued a Biblical twitter: “Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sews.” After a firestorm of complaints, the quote was taken down and Patrick’s office said it was “a coincidence.”

Mayor Sylvester “Pothole” Turner claims he solved the city’s pension problems, although experts say that isn’t the case at all. Besides, the plans will still have to be approved by our Texas Legislature, which is debating the dangers of the wheel. Moving on, what didn’t happen? No Gulf hurricanes. Wish You Were Still Here: Dr. Denton Cooley and sportscaster Bob Allen.

Sportsmanlike Conduct: J.J. Watt gave $10,000 to aid in the treatment of Grant Milton, senior linebacker for The Woodlands High School football team. Milton was critically injured during a playoff game. Quote of the Year: “Ain’t nobody got time for this.” – What Houston 911 operator Crenshanda Williams reportedly told thousands of panicked callers.

At last, The New York Times gave us some respect: “It’s easy enough to argue that Texas’ food scene hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves on the national stage, or at least that’s the way it used to be. Now, it appears as if Houston is rapidly becoming Texas’ – and perhaps the country’s – best dining destination.”

On April 2 the Houston Chronicle ran a long and flattering piece on Boss Ladies of Houston, including Pat Mickelis of the famed Cleburne Cafeteria. Unfortunately, Page 1 of that very edition reported the place had burned down. Also on media matters, Texas Monthly, owned for the last 18 years by a company in Indianapolis, has been bought by Genesis Park, a Houston company that includes a scion of the Hobby family.

The Houston Rockets lost to the Golden State Warriors in the playoffs, again.

Sen. Ted Cruz on Carly Fiorina: “Born in Texas, The very first thing I liked about her.”

Lisa Alamia went in for jaw surgery talking like the native Texan she is, but came out with a British accent. Doctors finally diagnosed her with one of medicine’s rarest maladies, foreign accent syndrome, a condition that inexplicably causes patients to suddenly begin speaking with a new, distinct accent.

       A federal judge sentenced the former scouting director of the St. Louis Cardinals to nearly four years in prison for hack­ing the Houston Astros’ player personnel database and email system, Christo­pher Correa was fired and faced 46 months behind bars and a court order to pay $279,038 in restitution. Meanwhile, the Astros finished with an 84-78 record, worse than the previous season, 11 games out of first place in their division. Giving us this humbling headline from The New York Times: “Who Would Want to Hack the Houston Astros?”

 

Ashby is hacked at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ALL JOKING ASIDE

December 12, 2016 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

 

By Lynn Ashby                                                            12 Dec. 2016

 

ALL JOKING ASIDE

 

THE LAFF GASP — Thank ya, thank ya, ladies and gentlemen. What a great crowd, not like last night’s bunch. They would have brought matches to a Joan of Arc concert. Got a lot of husbands here tonight? My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her, or something like that. I know one husband who kicks open a bottle, and a genie comes out, and says, “Master, I will give you any favor you wish. But whatever I give you, your wife will get more.” The husband says he wants a Cadillac. His wife gets a Rolls Royce. The husband says he wants one million dollars. His wife gets two million. Finally the husband says, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Any lawyers here? I have a crack lawyer, Vincent Elkins, and one day I had this personal legal problem – the DNA test results came back – so i asked him, “Vincent, what would you charge to answer three legal questions?” He said, “That would be $500.” I said, “$500? Isn’t that a lot of money?” And he said, “No, now what’s your third question?” This reminds of the fact that 99 percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name.

You know that there is a big flap up in North Dakota where an oil company wants to build a pipeline through an Indian reservation. TV reporters were there, government officials and, of course, lawyers. One day a brave ran to the chief’s lodge and said, “Chief, I’ve got some good new and some bad news.” The chief said, “Give me the bad news first.” The brave said, “There are 4,000 lawyers running all over the reservation.” The chief said, “That is bad news. So what’s the good news?” and the brave said, “They taste like buffalo.”

We just had an election and chose the evil of the two lessers. Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot, either. On one hand we had Hillary Clinton, who is a bit on the dull side. When reporters asked to see her health report it turned out to be an autopsy. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. Bill Clinton is from Arkansas, where people show up at a family reunion looking for a date. At the University of Arkansas they had to cancel parents’ day due to an 80 percent chance of error. At the Governor’s mansion, in Little Rock, they put in wall to wall carpet in the bathroom. They liked it so much they ran the carpet all the way up to the house.

 

Thank ya, thank ya. Great crowd. Now, when George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump all died, they went to heaven to meet St. Peter. Bush was first, and he was told by St Peter, “This woman will be your companion for the rest of eternity.” And they brought out the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen in your life. Bush said, “Wait! I thought heaven was supposed to be a place of eternal joy.” St. Peter listened, then checked his ledger, and said, “Don’t complain, George. You barely got into heaven.” Next it was Bill Clinton’s time. St. Peter told him the same thing and brought out the twin sister of Bush’s companion. Clinton said, “This is ridiculous.” St. Peter replied: “Don’t gripe, Bill. With your record, you barely got into heaven.” Suddenly Trump came by with Taylor Swift. Bush and Clinton yelled, “How can you do this to us?” St. Peter replied, “Remember that Taylor Swift barely got into heaven.”

Incidentally, one day Jesus came back and went to Moscow, where he came upon Vladimir Putin who asked Jesus, “When will Russia be prosperous?” Jesus said, “In 400 years.” Putin started crying, and Jesus asked, “Why are you crying? I thought this would be good news.” Putin said, “I won’t live long enough to see it.” So Jesus went to London, and met with Queen Elizabeth. And she asked, ‘’Jesus, tell me, when will the royal family get out of its royal scandals?” And Jesus said, “In about a century.” The queen started crying, and Jesus asked, “Why are you crying?” The queen said, “I won’t live long enough to see it.” So Jesus came to Houston, and ran into Mayor Sylvester Turner, who asked, “Jesus, when will the Houston Texans win the Super Bowl?” And Jesus started crying. Thank ya, thank ya. And how about these kids today?

 

Ashby laffs at ashby2@comcast.net

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GULLIBLE’S TRAVELS 

December 5, 2016 by  
Filed under Blogs, Hot Button / Lynn Ashby

By Lynn Ashby                                                                     5 Dec. 2016

THE PC — Did you know that the Pope indorsed Donald Trump for the U.S. presidency? It must true. I read it on my social media. So did one hundred million others. Some observers say it changed the outcome of the election. And did you hear about all those paid protesters bused into Austin to break up a Trump rally? The story went (excuse the cliché) viral. Then there was the story about the ACLU suing to prevent Marines from praying.

What we have here is the newest wrinkle in social media: fake news. It’s driving legitimate news organizations nuts, not to mention the targets of such drivel. Fake news has always been around. The birthers got into it big time. I had an acquaintance from high school who would weekly send me emails showing Barack Obama was actually born in Kenya. Once he even sent me a “birth certificate” from the Royal Medical Hospital of Nairobi proving that Obama was born there. The certificate made the rounds like wildfire until it was discovered that the Royal Medical Hospital of Nairobi hadn’t opened until years later and the doctor’s signature was from someone who had died long ago. Incidentally, Donald Trump was a major force behind the birther movement, but today he just shrugs it off – like so many things, tax returns, foundation funds going to pay off lawsuits and, well, I’ve run out of space.

Fake news took on Mach speed during the last presidential election due to social media, and the lies received top priority with the truth never catching up. Mark Twain supposedly said, “A lie can travel halfway around the world before the truth can get its boots on.” He was right. At this point we must ask ourselves: who has this much extra time to write all this stuff? Don’t they have anything better to do, like Adopt a Highway? Experts say some do it just to have fun and make fools of other self-important dummies. Others do it for political reasons – backing their candidate by smearing the opponent, like the Trump and Hillary rumormongers. Some do it for money, thinking they can sell ads beside their story on Martians eating Hollywood. Two teenagers in Croatia, of all places, thought they could strike it rich by selling ads to go along with their false stories. Like any good intelligence agency, they begin with something believable, possible or true. “This coded message from Agent X says the Third Division will move at dawn. We already know this from Agents Y and Z. Agent X reports the commander is General J, good work, we thought so. Finally, he writes they will attack at Sector H. Move troops to Sector H.” And the attack hits 20 miles away at Sector F.

We now go to the next point: Who believes these fake news reports, even enough to send them on to others? A lot of otherwise very smart people. The reports are inevitably either anti-Hillary or pro-Tromp (the papal endorsement). One young man in Vancouver started sending out messages praising Hillary and beating up on Trump, and got nowhere. So he did a 180 and sent out fake pro-Trump and vicious anti-Hillary bulletins. His business leaped forward.

So we know something about the writers, but why do so many otherwise intelligent folks bite the bait? Because they want to hear all the news — that fits their preconceived notions. People believe what they want to believe. Works every time. You heard about paid protestors bused into Austin to break up a Trump rally? Trump did and used the report in speeches. But what happened, as discovered by The New York Times, is that Eric Tucker, co-founder of a marketing company, took photos of a large group of buses he saw near downtown Austin because he thought it was unusual. Then he saw reports of protests against Trump in the city and decided the two were connected. He posted three of the images with the declaration: “Anti-Trump protestors in Austin today are not as organic as they seem. Here are the busses they came in.” The busses were, in fact, hired by a company called Tableau Software, which was holding a conference that drew more than 13,000 people. Tucker’s post was shared at least 16,000 times on Twitter and more than 350,000 times on Facebook. And it was totally false. Gotcha!

Now we have this revelation: Remember all of those stories about Hillary’s health problems? Karl Rove reported that Hillary had hit her head and was out of commission for three months. That was easily checked out. A lie based on a fact. It was three days. Then there were the “rigged elections” stories. Others grabbed on to these fabrications, which Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Fox News repeated. The Washington Post interviewed government sources and found that the whole health situation came from – one guess – the Russians. They have 200 phony websites viewed by at least 15 million Americans. Add Facebook and the total reached 213 million of us – not me, you. The Russians had planted the stories, bit by bit, and gullible Americans bit.

An easy way to check out these items is to run them by Snopes. It’s an on-line operation that backtracks real and fake news items and seems to get the same inquiries all the time as the phony bulletins make their way around the globe. Oh, about the Marines being sued by the ACLU to prevent prayers, even accompanied by a photo of a company of Leathernecks looking down as in prayer. The ACLU said they never filed any kind of suit and had no official spokesman by the name given. The Marines said they never received any such suit, and had no spokesperson by the name given, either. I suspect the Marines in the photo looking down were searching for the Drill Instructor’s contact lens.

This just in: Donald Trump has endorsed the Pope.

 

Ashby fakes it at ashby2@comcast.net